For as long as I can remember. Third grade. Fourth grade. I loved her. She was an obsession for me…beautiful, fresh, young. She was living the dream I always wanted. I saved my money, bought every hardback book ever published. Memorized the details of her wedding dress (designers=emmanuels. 24 foot train. honeysuckle for her bouquet from the royal gardens) She was perfect. She was mine. I made a scrapbook. Filled with pictures from every rag to People.

As I grew up, so did we all. Fairy tales are just that. Dreams don’t come without a price. But I still loved her. I was Murial, in Murial’s Wedding. I watched the wedding over and over and over. I couldn’t help it. It broke my heart for her that life was not as she’d been told it would be. It broke my heart for me, that life was not as I’d been told. So many changes, paralells.

Finally, it seemed, we were both on a path to happiness. New beginnings. Ten years ago last weekend I moved out of my house I shared with my husband. Ten years ago today, I did my last show of my first professional acting job. Ten years ago tomorrow, I flew to Indiana and began a new life.

I heard the news in a convenience store. We’d stopped in after saying all our goodbyes to the cast and before we headed back to Tulsa. I thought what everyone thought. No. Couldn’t be true. Just a bad accident. She’s fine. She’s mine.

Flying away from all I ‘d ever known to be true and safe the next morning she was everywhere. The news. The papers. Friends were calling my mom’s house, checking on me. I was so scared, all I wanted to do was be in my room and watch it unfold and cry for what we’d lost. Instead I flew to a new place, lived in a office/den. Cried for all we lost. Watched tv until I couldn’t focus. Wished desperatly to be home, anywhere, married and baking cupcakes. wishing that for both of us. wishing.

I can see that funeral procession as clearly as I can see her bridal procession. I can still remember the feeling in my heart, the rapid fire beating of it as I watched her approach the cathederal. She was amazing. She was mine. And she was everyone’s.

Good God I’m tired. the extra hours are paying off, I’m hitting a great commission on this paycheck, that is if today holds out and I don’t have any cancellations or no-shows. But damn. 96 hours this payperiod is making me very tired. Thankfully a vacation is on the horizon…not that it wil be a relaxing one. NYC never serves me that way. But it will refill me and that is what I need. Fill me to the brim.

I got a ginormous package if info and maps from Rog. The Ultimate Tour Guide. Thanks for those. I must visit Canal Street and look for purchases for a few people. Purses. Purses. Purses. And while I loathe that place, I’m still carrying my purse from last year that I bought down there and too, need a new one. Am thinking that Monday after class would be a better time, since we’re down there anyway. I’m trying to sort through all the stuff in regards to the trip, the supplies, the packing. I need a suitcase, which I’ll get from someone here. My luggage took it’s last trip to LA in January. It was done done done. It was a high school graduation pressie from Mom and man oh man did it see some of the world.

I must be tired if I’m blithering on about my luggage or lackthereof.

Kizz is over at 117Hudson about to lose her marbles in regards to money and how she’s spent hers this month. I’m about to begin the same experiment or something along those lines. I need to get the program worked out and onto my computer. I think I’ll begin it after the trip when I really start the cash flowing. Go over and give her a little whoop whoop. She’s trying to type and breathe through a paper bag all at the same time. Oy.

I still can’t figure out how to link sites within my text. there are no buttons on this screen to do so. no green movie camera thingy. Is it because I’m on a Mac? Kizz? gah.

time to make the doughnuts.

Huzzuah and Happy Friday. I’m sad about Owen Wilson. Well wishes to him and I LOVE my boyfriend George Clooney. Dirty thoughs to him.

I wish I could just transport you all to this very spot at this very moment. It’s about 70 degrees outside and it rained last night so everything is a lttle cloudy and wet. the cats are lying about as if posing for a postcard, all except Stormy Soprano who has taken the first watch inside his wine box. (can’t have too much normal now can we?) It’s nice. I’m having coffee and it’s so quiet you can hear crickets and the fountain in the garden where KikiMama has perched herself.

Nice.

Had a funky moment or two this week. I suppose that is natural. I was talking to Gert last night and she was commending the exit of this relationship and it’s lack of drama…I said it was there, it was just played out over the last few years until now we just don’t have it in us. I can either sit a a table and watch football and drink a cold beer and laugh with my friends, or crowd into a tiny little bathroom and wail and sob about all that is lost forever. Frankly I only have the energy in this part of my life to do one of the two and I pick the first one.

I talked to him a few times this week. It’s fiine. Very friendly. Genuinely friendly. He called and asked for a recipe one afternoon and for some reason, it kind of kicked my ass. He made a point to say he was cooking for “himself” and maybe he was but I’m so not believing it. And fine. If there is someone he wants to cook my food for, so be it. We just had some nice times around the table outside and it brought that back to the surface and I kind of hit the wall. Sneaks up on me sometimes.

It’s ok though. We’re going up to the bar on Saturday night to watch football. My friend is bartending and I’m excited for it. Should be a nice neon sunburned time.

Onwards and upwards.

Weighed in yesterday. Another 1.6 lost. Three weeks in a row, 1.6. That is fine and dandy. I’m not complaining. I am 2.6 away from my 10% goal and I would sure like to have that gone by NYC. I think I can I think I can. Here’s a grand total picture.
20.4 mothereffing pounds!!!!!! or a big yellow baby stroller. Good thing THAT’s off my ass.

10) The 25-30 minute commute. I love my car and now I get to drive it!

9.) I can listen to Bob and Tom on the morning drive. I used to listen to them when I lived in Indiana. Hysterical.

8.) Mowing by hand. While it seems arcane and highly uncalled for, we try to go “green” here on the frontier. And it gives us a goodly amount of activity points!

7.) The cats are loving it. This morning, they have chased frogs, caught cecadias (i doubt i spelled that correctly.) had breakfast and played a rousing game of kick the shiney easter egg and hide in the box. What a life.

6.) Peace of mind. I may be close to calming down. To breathing and contemplating. it’s gorgous out here and the perfect place to be.

5.) I enjoy having BonusMom around. Someone to cook for on occasion, someone to chat with who still doesn’t care if I crawl into bed at 8pm and sleep all night long into the wee morning. nice.

4.)There are fresh vegetables EVERYWHERE! I bought corn on the cob last night and she said, did you BUY that??? i still don’t know what we have stocked back but my oh my the bounty!!!

3.)The bathroom is bigger than the Blue Banana! Ha. I have a vanity, and drawers and just so much room to put stuff. It is quite exciting!

2.) Anticipating the cooler/colder months. We will have fires. Inside and out in the fire pit. Parties and calm evenings with cocoa or wine.

1.) I get amazing ” good luck presseis” like the ceramic ornament with fingers crossed on it from Kizz and a fabulous shiney pink camera from Rog that I will soon be uploading pictures of said ornament with. Thank you all so much.

Huzzuah and Happy Tuesday. I love George Clooney. And Adam Pascal who is reprising his role in RENT right now. Do I DARE see it again????

Man oh man did I get some stuff done today…lots of shopping. For any of you that know me you know I NEVER shop. Ever. But today i bought four pair of shoes, one pair of jeans smaller size thank you verymuch, two shirts, two pair of earrings, on skirt, some make up brushes and an eye bright pencil. The Hell???

I know I’m supposed to be saving for NYC and oh yeah, for a house. But I have no guilt over these purchases. None.I also got a birthday gift finally, and filled the grill thingy with propane for a lesser price thanks to Smurf who turned me on to Uhaul’s service. I hit the wal mark for foodstuffs, drove home and grilled veggies and had salmon and wine for dinner, did laundry, fresh sheets today, and got organized with the purchase of a calendar. Rehearsals for Steel Mags start next Sunday. NYC is in a mere days.

I got a new foam thingy for my mattress/bed and oh my lord it feels fine. I doubt I see 9:30 or the lunar eclipse. It’s a full moon out there people. go outside and gander. it’s gorgeous.

tomorrow there is more stuff to tell but tonight i’m sleepy.

huzzuah and happy monday and if you have forgotten, i freakin love George Clooney.

something funky has been going on with my internet connection,.

this means I just didn’t know what to do when the new computer got tangled into a web of funkiness.

I figured it out tonight.

now I’m too tired to write an update of the week since the last post.

Just a few things.

saw phil vassar in concet tonight. go google and itues the crap out of this guy. delish. JUMPED onto the top of his baby grand which he played standing up like a sex crazed maniac. . . . that last part could have been me….but he did jump onto it several times and play it standing.

SLURP.

For the NYC gals, fyi. I am coming on the 8th. That is a Saturday. Leaving on the 13th. that is a Thursday. talked to Kizz today and seems like there may have been a little corn-fusion in that arena. I will get the specifics later now that I am back online.

this is what I look like going to bed.

Oh what a week.

It’s only wednesday. Which means it’s only the second day of my week.

And holy canole, what a week.

As I sit here at the kitchen table, typing on my handy dandy little iBook, there is a LIVE armadillo snuffing through the grass right outside my door. Anyone ever seen a live one of these things? Funky. Just funky.

Let me give you a little insight as to what it means to be a frontier girl. Frontier Girl. capital letters thankyouverymuch.

We had a flood on Sunday. Hurricane Erin snuck up on us here in Oklahoma and screamed BoogidyBoodigyBoogidy and we all went back to sleep…until the flood waters came. 8.5 inches here. EIGHT AND A HALF FREAKIN INCHES. Well, we have a creek/river thingy just to the south of the property. Way out of banks. Flooded just a ridiculous amount. The end of our street, if you continued past the house, is completly closed. Ponchatrain. Boo.

Monday Stormy Soprano jumped up onto a cabinet and promptly set his hind quarter on fire from the lit candle. Smoke. Stinky burnt ass smoke. He was walking around smoking from behind. Oh good lawd but he stunk. poor boy. looks like I just took a hunk of hair and chopped it right off….like the fancy girl in Sixteen Candles who got her drunk ass hair stuck in the door and her friends cut it off…raggedy and nasty hair.

Monday night Sambo decided to hunt for things. He never came home. I called for him the next morning, Bonusmom ran around with a flashlight all night long. Nothing. I had a pit. Just freakin scared and sad. All day at work, I was sad clown. Then he decided to come the fuck back home. Not so much with the flooding is the city boy. he hasn’t so much as stepped one toe out the door since. Something bad is out there and he’s not much for finding out what it is again. thank goodness he came home. really could not take one more blow.

Tuesday night, all is well. I helped mow the frontier. And by mow, I mean with a push mower. And by push mower I mean no gas. No electric. just the propellers that swoosh swoosh flickity swoosh and chop the grass. Activity points for EVERYONE!!! damn. Frontier life is harsh. So we call it a night and come in. all the kids in but for Stormy Soprano, and he’s hunting and watching the four grey baby barn cats run around and chase the frogs that plagued us from the flood. Alll of a sudden i hear some nasty freaky kind of scatterwalling and I rush out. Nothing. I really don’t worry about him because he is after all, a bad ass and has survived spontanious combustion already this week. BonusMom sees him a few mintues later hauling it in to the door. After he comes in, I see some stuff on his backside…Firtch? (frontier word for whatever is on the floor or ground) no. It’s poo. Bleagh. We think he was taking a reprieve and something must have attacked or tried to have a date. whatever it was it literally scared the shit out of him. So we are running around wiping down, gagging, running for wet ones for him, bleach and soap for us. he’s mortified. the other kids get one whiff and haul it the other way. no good.

Sigh.

Frontier life is exhausting. I got home too late to finish the mowing. bonusmom is in nebraska for the week, home on sunday or monday. . . so it’s just me. me and the forty thousand frogs, 10 cats (counting the outside ones we feed) and one hungry armadillo.

somebody better be humming the theme to green acres. God knows I am.

Can it already be friday again? was it not just a day ago we gathered to sweat, pack, cry and whatever? man. what a difference a week makes. . .

Going to dinner tonight with my Aunt Janet. BonusMom’s sis who’s driving from Iowa for a hair cut and color tomorrow. we’re going to nonna’s in bricktown where I’ve never been so that’s exciting. Tomorrow is a full day at work so we’re just truckin right along.

Talked to my sis last night. Wonderboy starts kindergarten on Monday. All day kindergarten. Yesterday they met the teachers et.al. and Sis said he was holding Daddy’s hand pretty darn tight but by the end of the event he was playing with a table full of other boys building stuff with blocks and plotting to overthrow the bad guys. Apparently when it was just the kids and their teacher having a little chit chat, he announced that he was an artist so he was looking forward to the art classes.

REALLY? I can’t get his Type A personality to make a scratch on paper for fear that he “will mess it up” We’ll see. I’m looking forward to the Artist at work. hee hee hee. I’m going to Arkansas next weekend for hair cuts and color. He got on the phone last night and told me his hair was just getting too wong. we’re still working on the L’s and the R’s, but things are better since the tonsils and adenoids came out a few weeks ago.

just some fun stuff to read about other than my crap.

I realize that OU/TEXAS is Oct 6. BUT I believe we’re doing the first of many Fall Fest’s on the 5th, if anyone is interested and wants to mark the date. I believe I will have more than one this year!! I wish I had my camera and I’d upload some gorgeous pics of my outside for you all to see.

For dinner last night Mary and I shared a bottle of red wine and some puffed club crackers. Points schmoints. That did not suck at all.

happy friday folks.

went to weigh in yesterday…and since I cannot figure out how to do pics and pasting on this computer, we’ll just have to invision 1.2 lbs. I’m happy with that. Work was busy yesterday, I slept like crappola and that’s about all I have today. Back into working and driving and figuring it all out. I feel like I’m saying the same things over and over and over. oh well.

Dion, my favorite man in tights……please don’t feel funky. I don’t know why I didn’t call other than, I was just keeping my head above water. I wasn’t really talking to anyone….I will call you tonight. we’ve MUCH to discuss. I love you honey.

Huzzuah and Happy Thursday.

Back to work today. Back to the world and to reality. . . and you know what? I’m ready! I’m excited about getting back to work. I needed the mental health days, so I won’t feel badly about the small paycheck. All for a reason. Slept like a baby last night with my bed all gushed up and my fan blowing on me and my new pink t-shirt sheets. Very nice. I’m going to work on hooking up a misting system outside this week so we can actually go out there before 8:30 at night. ugh.

I got a bunch of stuff unloaded into storage, and have three things to run around in the city today. Stuff to him, stuff to goodwill, stuff to a friend. We packed a bunch of his stuff accidentally…his shoes, the checkbooks, all of his books. Those will just stay boxed up until I can get moved again and unpacked…he said he’s fine with that but would like the shoes back. Hahaha. I’m just glad I went through those boxes and found the checkbook stuff…..that could have been very bad.

I weigh in today….and I’m just going to bless it and let it go….lots of drinking and while there has been little eating, what has gone into my mouth has been less that superb. whatever. It begins again today.

I miss the familiarity of the house. The routine. But we’re developing new ones here and they are working just fine. I hope for happiness for him and his life. i still haven’t heard from his sister….that makes me really sad. Have texted with his daughter. she starts senior year of college sometime soon, so I offered to do her hair. I hope she and I can stay in touch. These are just the thoughts floating through my brain. random. fine.

Ok…time to wrangle the cats inside and begin my first day of getting ready here.

Huzzuah and happy Wednesday.

apparently i cant run the spell check or highlight anything within because my buttons are gone. a quirk that I need to figure out. Till then, just deal.