I thank all of you for the words.
ALL. of you.
and I know who you are.

I don’t want to say anything.
to anybody.
anymore.
ever.

I’m good.
It was a false hope made on a faulty foundation.
So be it.

I am blessed. with many brilliant and vocal people in my life. I am blessed to have the things said to me that wouldn’t normally be said. I get it.

I’ve decided.

Nada.
Sayanora
See Ya
ciao

I’m out.

and i’m fine with all of it. I’m ok. I just want my mind and my life back. I just want to be the one in the driver’s seat. Bleagh.

and by the way…when I say Bleagh…that is the sound Snoopy makes when he tilts his head and sticks his tongue out.

just so you know.

Snoopy and I both wish you a Happy Halloween. with your HEADS UP GIRLS!! HEADS UP!!

bleagh.

There is a consensus on the table over here at the Circus…to tell him or not to tell him how I feel. I’ve come to the part in the movie where I decide, after lo these many months of cat and mouse, of mixed signals and missed windows, where I decide to walk away. Call the table closed, clap my hands and turn.

With each day in this reality, hovering in this reality, it gets easier. Do I feel any different towards him? No. Still in there. Solid. Substantial. But this one way street is awfully lonely, and frankly, to pull out the hold WHMS line, “You’re right. You’re right. I know you’re right.” I’m not a stupid woman. Foolish at times, but not stupid. Point is, he knows where my front door is, and not once in these ten months of pining has he been knocking it down to get to me. That is the most clear of all signs.

However, over dinner I was given this little nugget.

“tell him. tell him how you feel. don’t look back, feeling like a young girl at 75 and say, I wish I would have told him. I wish when I was a young girl at 61, I would have told him. So what if you’re scared. Of what? losing him? a friend? a client? so what. You’ve been chasing after this long and hard and you need to tell him.”

after more than four cocktails it seemed the most brilliant and logical choice. In the dawn’s early light it made me vomit a little. I was in for it yesterday, mulling the words around in my head, having the silent conversations with the voices, playing out the scenarios. My client’s thought I was nuckin futs. whatever. Today…eh. I’m far enough on this side of it to think about sweeping it under the rug and hiding under my bed.

So I ask you. Have you ever had this happen? Have you ever had someone tell you how they felt, though you felt the opposite? Have you ever had a full blown confession? How did it pan out? And most importantly…do you think I should tell him? Do you think I’ll lose the friendship? Damage it, certainly, but lose it? I know that at the end of the day, the decision is mine. And given any number of happenings during this day my decision could be made easier or more difficult. . . but I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Leap and the net will appear.
I’ve tried to always live by this quote.
This whole experience in itself has shaken my foundation on that quote. made me realize, maybe I’m all talk and very little walk.

I want to walk again.

and if it’s a solo dance on a one way street…so be it. at least I’ll be up off of this chair.

All of it. That was the theme for dinner with M’Lynn last night. We’ll have all of it. drink all of it. eat all of it. stay for all of it.

Brilliant evening. Cosmos bright pink. Gin nice and cold. Steak perfectly medium rare, layers of potatoes with cream cheese, green beans that were just this side of raw. crunchy and bueno. We were gifted a free desert that was mascarpone cheese something around some sorbet topped with fresh berries with seeds. M’Lynn enjoys a seed filled berry, in case you didn’t know.

We laughed. We cried. We got home around 10:30. Great night.

I don’t have to work till noon today, and my first appointment isn’t until around 4, so I’m being lazy this morning. All is well here, the heat’s still on, the cats are still asleep. I’m waiting patiently for season three of weeds to arrive at my mailbox and that’s pretty much it!

Happy Birthday to my dear NAN today!! Here’s to another spectacular year! All. Of. It.

Whew it’s chilly kids! Chilly chilly chilly. Luckily enough Marco the Great got the heat working via a shiny new thermalcouple and two trips to my house yesterday. We’re all snug as a bug in a rug and having a hard time getting up and getting the day started!!

I’m ready for the week. Time to make some money. Yesterday consisted of me, the couch, Ironman, Knocked Up, the last disc of season two of Weeds, more eps of new tv than I can count. Gah. Time to get up and get moving! But I needed a lazy day. The house was cleaned for the party, so I didn’t have a lot of guilt hanging around…nice.

Tonight I’m having dinner with M’Lynn. Haven’t really seen her since the night before I left for NYC, so we have mucho to catch up on. I have to also figure out if I’m dressing up or just wearing a witches hat to work on Friday for Halloween. I have very little interest in that but need to muster up something.

One week from today kids. Vote vote vote. I watched a retrospective on the Today show this morning…from the announcements of ALL the candidates to the last week it’s been a ride hasn’t it? Watched some eps of West Wing last night. It really doesn’t get any better than that, for me anyway.

Ok. I gotta hit the shower and find something black to wear to work. Have just the best day!

Damn.
Even when I get a really good sad/mad/sad on, combined with a reaaaaaaaaaaaly good drunk…can’t seem to hold onto it.

Huh.

Trying to feel any of it this morning. More anger. More sad…and maybe it’s there a little, but not nearly at the levels of yesterday.

Huh.

So ok. Whatever, right? Bless it and let it go. Motor on. Listen to some Shirley Q, relish in the friendships and love in my life, maybe go get a massage today and keep on keepin on.

maybe I just needed a day. (seriously, I wish you could see me sitting here, rolling my eyes from left to right searching for the sad/mad inside.)Huh.

So moving on. It’s freezing ass in my house. I tried to turn on the heat for a quick burst and nada. Guess the pilot light needs lit. Gonna get that working today. Just sent a text to Marco the Great so when the temps get to freezing tonight the livestock and I won’t!

How’s your Monday shaping up? I hope great and we’re gearing up for Halloween and the last freakin week of October. GERT! CHROME! Where the hell did your month go? Zrooooom! that fast eh. And holy hell…I have a birthday coming up. How does anyone local feel about going bowling then hitting Shady Pines or something? Any other ideas…please send them my way!

joe explained to me tonight that the the word SAD is much more heart wrenching and painful to admit than the word MAD.

i agree.

and after more than ENOUGH cocktails and discussion I have to admit I agree.

fact is…

I’M BOTH

I’m mad. at myself, at a man, at another girl, at situations beyond comprehension, at my own ridiculous version of friendship and grace…at all of it.

and I’m sad. bone weary sad at how things turn out. . . even though you pray for a sign. pray with knees on the floor for a sign so you can continue, move on with life, go forth.

kids. . .

I got my sign last night. It was a perfectly coreographed dance of scratch and sniff between two non blondes and here’s the bitch of it…I came out with the short straw. ok. fine.

cue mad.

I realize that I’m talking in circles and no one reading this recognizes which voice is typing but fuck it. it goes back to the fact that this space is mine. and I can say what i want to and purge what I wish and so be it. you don’t really have to understand. or get it. or figure it out. just know that I am mad. really realllllly mad.

and sad.

and if you know me…you know that I won’t answer my phone or leave my house if I don’t have to for as long as it takes…and then…

life begins again.

I know.
The Circus has had an acute case of the Boredoms as of late.

There’s lots to talk about.

I’m currently on a sit down from frantically getting off work (money made today! Honk! Honk!) getting pinion wood and stuff for tiki torches, coming home and cleaning the bits I hadn’t gotten to this week, feeding the livestock, figuring out what to do with the shit in my car so my peeps will fit and embarking to the Ghouls Gone Wild Parade then back to mi casa for punkin carvings and beer.

possibly lots of beer.
and smores.
and laughing with friends, old and new. (I’ve got new friends I can’t wait to share with you!)

but for now folks, I’m outta here. it’s fifteen till time for people to arrive and I as usual look like twelve miles of assholes.

xoxo

Oh chile! It’s ass cold in my casa! But I’m too cheap to turn on the heat yet. I’m afeared for the bills! It’s ok, though. The cats are all snuggly, and I’m layered up and the only bitch is getting out of the bed this week! I actually think that has more to do with the doom of work than the weather!

man, oh man it’s been slow. I have two appointments today. ON A FRIDAY!!! The fuck? Hoping for more call ins/walk ins. It could happen. Gah.

I’ve been watching Weeds this week. Got through season one last weekend, and poured through the first disc of season two last night. As usual, I’m one of the last on the bandwagon, but I don’t have Showtime, so whatever. I’m LOVING IT!!!! LOVE-ING-IT. Sarcastic, brilliant, delicious writing. Laugh out loud stuff. If you are like me and haven’t jumped yet, go. do. enjoy.

I am so tired of waking up to doom and gloom. Anybody else? I think it’s penetrating my psyche. This morning Meredeth and Matt said that the pre-stock-trading crashed a breaker it went so low. Well. Good morning to you too…I think I’m going to just start watching zero news and more Clooney. Though, I would have missed the Weekend Update highlights with Will and Tina. Man, I’m gonna miss that stuff.

Eleven Days.
nuff said.

This weekend should be fun. I’m kidnapping Gert and forcing her to spend every waking minute with me. Tonight we’re headed to Bat Shit Crazy Town for the last home football game. Why not, eh? Tomorrow night we’re doing the Halloween Parade with the March of the 1000 Skeletons led by Flaming Lips dudes, then back to my house for punkin carvins and smores and laughs and fun.

Sunday is committee meeting and some auditions should I choose to do them…love me some weekends!

Ok. I need more coffee. and to start getting ready. But this black kitty is curled up in my lap and it’s so warm and I just don’t wanna. . .

Happy Friday! Huzzuah and Halakaleem!