Let me say to you. To those of you in the know. And those of you out of it. Let me just say to you that this relationship of mine?

it’s fucking hard.
and i am doing the best I can to make the right choices.
i have enough voices in my head. yours. mine. Meme’s and Papa’s. the cats. the ghosts of choices past. the spirits of lessons learned. WE ALL LIVE IN HERE and everyone needs to just shut the fuck up for about FIVE MINUTES so that I can think.

I am not pushing out this man just for selfish reasons. I am not staying busy and forcing his hand on social engagements.
I am not doing only what I want only when I want to serve only my purpose. Let’s not forget that the month of October? it always holds Fall Fest. RFTC. Gert’s Bday. Halloween. these things were there long before a boyfriend. Let’s not forget I’ve been working two jobs. That takes place on the weekends. Let’s not forget, that sometimes shit just happens and because we were raised in a certain way, we honor our obligations.

let’s not forget that I chose purposefully not to divulge details here that were sacred, so do me the honor of KNOWING that I’m not an idiot. would you please?

I’m worn out.

My heart and my head have been playing battleship for the last forty eight hours.
I have done NOTHING but pray. And PS. that’s not something I only do when life is shitty. So don’t talk down to me or suggest otherwise.
I have prayed. I have sought counsel with those I trust. My family. My friends. I have thrown nothing but love and light into this dark corner of my life. I am breathing thru this. I am not making rash decisions. you know why?

because I’m almost forty years old and guess what? I’ve learned a thing or two while my gypsy soul has come down this road.

I’ve learned that life is a blessed gift.
I’ve learned that miles don’t equal distance of the heart.
I’ve learned that love comes in many forms.
I’ve learned that family does the same.
I’ve learned that honest words are priceless.
I’ve learned that they are also mandatory.
I’ve learned that pain will heal.
I’ve learned that pillow cases will dry.
I’ve learned that joy is found in laughter.
I’ve learned that laughter can be seen in just about every corner.
In my life anyway.

So folks. I got this. I do. I’m not going Mariah on you and spilling the drivel and coating myself in glitter while streaking naked in the walmarks. I actually unclogged my kitchen sink tonight. made homemade dinner. worked out at the gym. helped a friend get some hot water for to wash her hair. . .

I’m breathing. and I’m throwing love at all of it. And all of you. Thanks for sifting thru my emotional wasteland. If you’ve made it this far without hitting that arrow button up there, well. Thank you.

I got this.

the relationship will be what it will be.
My heart, whatever the outcome, will be fine. It’s been held in your hands time and time again…so even if I drop it I know you’ve got me safe and sound. And I know, that no matter what my life holds, you will be there. Supporting. Loving. I know that. I’m going to bed. I have a 5:45 gym call tomorrow.

look at me go.

Today I’m hanging on by my nails. I have two appointments. My day is bare bones. I’m struggling with some decisions that need to be made. I feel fat and gross and want to start working out. I am tired from the month.

HOWEVER!!!!!

some things I love are:

Cletus. and the carvings that commenced when Elephantsoap and Numskullery came over and made me dinner and laughed and cried at Biggest Loser. I love my friends. Lookie at what she carved…awwww!
BEHOLD: CLETUS!

Modern Family. If you arent watching this you’re missing out. There isn’t much that makes me laugh right out loud on a thursday morning at 5:45. But last night’s ep sure did. it sure did. Set the DVR. Go to Hulu and catch up. It’s worth the time.

Travel. I leave one week from today. I cannot possibly wait. We, these people and I, will turn back time. Im betting there is chocolate. and Laughter and Tears. and Singing. Just like it should be.

today, that is what I love.
that, and you. I love that and you and him. i sure do love him.

dont have a whole lot of time before boyfriend arrives. we’re having yet another talk tonight. seems this relationship thing is kind of a bitch for both sides. no one fret. all is good. but I’m runnong on sparse alone time…so am trying to guzzle *BURN* down some egg drop soup that should still be boiling and watching a bit of my Thunder play some bball! Cant believe it’s started again! Woo Hoo!!!

Today was a good day at work.
Tomorrow I’m open from 9-7 with two appointments and my day starting at 5pm.

fuckadoodledoo.

this is what I want to say to you…it’s shitty everywhere. It just is. There is a lot of funk floating amongst us, all of us. take a minute to realize that you’re not alone. that we WILL survive whatever this is, and that tomorrow is fresh and new.

I’m holding on to that.

and now, back to my scalding soup.

I’ve been so social this month I feel like my last name should be Rockefeller or Trump or something else fancy schmancy. Running around. New relationship. Juggling jobs and money. This week, I’ve got not a whole lot during the week. I’m going to use the time to relax, keep my house chores up to date and focus on the things I am so grateful for. Here’s ten of them:

1. My health. I am so grateful to be healthy. After the UTI scare that lasted two weeks last month, and the no insurance, and the money spent which put me behind on other things and people that I owe money to, and the relatively impossible future of any insurance in the hands of our government…I’m just happy to be healthy. Taking care of myself. Lots of good foods, vitamins, water, rest, peace.

2. My Family, though not close in miles, always at the ready when I need them. Wonderboy and Wonderbabys stories cheer me right up! Wonderboy is over Halloween. Thinks it’s stupid. He needed to dress up for his Cub Scout party and his response, “how’s about I just go as a cub scout?” priceless.

3. My Tribe. I had people over Saturday night and while we’re all from different places and know and do different things it’s just hysterical to see us all glommed together. So much fun. So much love. So much life. It is brilliant and I am blessed to be a part of it. Tonight, carving pumpkins and having dinner with Elephantsoap and Numskullery. Nice nice nice.

4. Facebook. I know, you’re rolling your eyes but wait. Via facebook, I have reconnected with so many people. Via facebook I got our U2 tickets and opened the gateway to a perfect 24 hours with my best friend. Facebook provided the Theatre Kids to reconnect and plan our reunion that I will leave for in about 9 days. Facebok has brought me clients and provided opportunities…I say God Bless Facebook.

5. The Internet. Without my emails with Gert every other day or so I would be so sad. Life is crazy busy and our email conversations are the lifelink that is necessary to get from one weekend to the next.

6. My Job. I love my job. I’m worried sick about my job, just because my clients seem to have disappeared. I think my last pay raise is the impetus for this but no way to be certain. I’m just praying for clients, for new ones, for old ones to return. Praying for sustainability. Meanwhile, I love my job. I love who I work with. I love how we all support each other and feel like a family. That is a blessing.

7. My house. It’s warm. It’s cosy. It houses my friends and family when it needs to. I can afford it still. The backyard alone is the scene for so many memories and nights of laughter! The fire pit I got for Christmas last year served as the centerpiece for Smores & Whores and is just fabulous!

8. This Season. It’s my favorite. From about OU/TX game thru New Years Eve. It’s my favorite time. my Power time. My season. I love the air. I love the smells. I love the football and the fires and the parties and the faces that come through my life at this time of year. the holidays…the hectic, the parties, the crazy…I love it. all of it.

9. this computer. I love this computer. I know it’s a Thing. but I love it. I am so grateful for it, and for my ability to use it. I still don’t have it completely down. My email isn’t set up properly. There are things I need to learn about it. But I’m getting there. I am.

10. My new relationship. . . it’s been interesting, the newness yet familiar settled feel that it has brought to my life. Trepidation yet full force. Discovery. all of it. I’m grateful.

Yeah, this Monday was not relaxing or productive. I spent it in class. The sr creative director from Vidal Sassoon in L.A. was here this weekend and today was an opportunity to spend the day in class free of charge. She is amazing and inspiring and my friends all got new fabulous cuts, which makes me think I want a new and—nope. not even close. still growing.

anyways, it was good. I’m tired. I came home, munched on goldfish crackers, watched Dexter, napped kind of…but I’m just still tired. I’ve got that kind of tired where I think I want to go out tonight and see comedy but really I want to stay home and flop and I’m torn between the two, as I seem to always be these past Mondays…gah.

So. Here I sit. couch. tv. goldfish. I need a vegetable and a vitamin.

that’s all I got today folks.

I love today. I’ve been looking forward to it for a year. Today we gather, we go downtown to the 3rd annual Ghouls Gone Wild Parade and the March of the 1000 Flaming Skeletons led by Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips walking in his bubble

then we return to my casa and have a fire, roast some food on sticks, carve some punkins, sit around and enjoy each other for a night. We laugh. We eat more. We eat smores. We eat goldfish. Goldfish Smores, become Goldfish Whores and laugh some more.

I love today.

Last night was awesome. Boyfriend backed out, so it was just myself, Marcia and Brandon what met at the theatre and had a little culture and facetime! These are my friends from USAO days…we email, we see each other randomly, and always promise to gather and then never do. Brandon and I had some Mexican food for pre theatre dinner and laughed and caught up on life…twas good. The show we saw was Murderers…ever heard of it. Three person show. All monologues. and quite funny! Very delightful!

I finished my plays and turned them in along with my ratings…Beauty on the Vine. was the one that struck me as the most possible. I think, THINK I liked it. But I need other opinions on my opinion. It may be that just portions were well written and the rest was crap. who knows. I got 6 more so that should keep me for the next few weeks!

Speaking of reading time…I GOT RELEASED FROM JURY DUTY! HALAKALEEM!!! Duty, served. Check. Done. This makes me happy, that I won’t be called and miss work, that I only had to miss one day…things are still super slow and I have lost some clients for sure and I’m sad about that. I have a pretty slow day today and am hoping for some walk ins…sigh.

What else? That’s about it I think. I need to straighten up a wee bit, get something together for breakfast and get on with it today. Still have to go to the grocery store, set up the back yard, run the Dyson once more…

Kikimama has taken to NOT using the litter box. She’s pooping in it but peeing in the bathroom on the rug. I got thru more Swiffer pads and rugs in a week than a nursing home. WTF? I totally cleaned it all out and put in a new kind of litter that hopefully will lure her back…any ideas out there? Gah. crazy cat.

Ok kids. Happy Saturday. Enjoy your weekend. Muah and Halakaleem!

A Lot.

That describes my life right now. There’s a lot of good. I’ve been incredibly social, and that is winding down thankfully…kind of. Theatre tonight. My house tomorrow after the parade. Party next Saturday. Shower/Birthday party Sunday. Fly to Chicago the following Thursday. Then home to my birthday and relaxing…hopefully. Boyfriend is, I think, getting a little tired. I am having struggles juggling him, and everything else. The result is that my closets are science experiments. My finances are jumbled. I’ve forgotten to put payments in the mail. . . I know this because I’ve found them on the table under more mail.

and hey, turns out? I have NO winter/fall clothes. Everything is just scraps. which is disconcerting at best. I need to hit the Old Navy and Target. It’s a necessity by this time. Gah.

Sunday, we don’t really have anything. I’m supposed to be at play committee but am turning in my plays and reviews tonight when I go see the new show. Hopefully we can sleep late, catch a movie or something and I can come home and organize my closets and mail/bills. You know when that is looming over you…just puts a pit in your stomach. gah.

Elephantsoap loaned me the whole set of the Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood books. I’d like to re-read those, perhaps I will begin this weekend!

Hey, Star Wars? Pretty freakin awesome. The whole philharmonic/movies/laser light show combo was pretty cool! We all let our geeks hang out a bit! The dude who gave Yoda a big shoutout was one of my favorite moments. I was disapointed by the “museum exhibit” that we got. One. One thing. Chewbacca. And yes, that’s cool, but the whole thing hits Dallas this weekend and their exhibit is WAY bigger. The whole thing. and I think that’s just not quite fair. But whatever. I’m glad we went. I’m glad I got to do it with Elephantsoap and Numskullery. We’ve made some amazing memories this year. True story.

If I had one wish, I would wish I could make enough money to pay all my bills AND join a gym. the Y perferably. When Boyfriend stays over, he has to get up at the crack of ass. So here I am. awake. I could be at the gym. I could be. I am not. I am on the couch with coffee, the computer and my dvr. I wish for that.

Yesterday, my book picked up a bit. Hopefully today will bring the same thing. Crossing fingers. Praying. Head to the grindstone…let’s go TEAM!

Happy Friday ya’ll.

I’ve put together a little party of my own for my girl:

It’s my girl Chrome’s birthday!

She’s going to enjoy the following forbidden fruits this weekend, travel to hang out with the amish, purchase some wood. *dirty!* and hopefully have an all round fabulous weekend celebrating her arrival on this planet!

Happy Birthday my sister! Here’s to a year of discovery, of laughter and love. Of beginnings and endless “yes’s” To a year chock full of happy.

i love you.

This is what I’m doing with Elephantsoap and Numskullery tomorrow.
Dont be too jealous.