Life on the Frontier is moving along nicely. I’ve managed to get most of the inside stuff unpacked finally. I need a trip to the Wal-Mark for a big ass fan for my room and I’ll be set. I have stacks of things to take out to the barn, but sweet monkey loving it’s hot out there and I just cannot face the heat. 110 I believe. ugh. I have stuff to take to Goodwill…have been following my own words and done a bless it and let it go session. amazing how liberating that feels!! Just errands and whatnots.

The cats love it here. My three are just laid out asleep on whatever they land on. They have been discovering the outside, and just freak out at all the things there are to hunt and pillage. Mary’s three are still a little pissed off. Charles Ann has spent the majority of the day outside. She’d rather be in hell than in here with these stupid boys. KikiMama has tuned in to BonusMom and they have bonded. All seems to be going well.

I went out last night and met up with some friends at a different bar. It was better than great. We drank cold beer, talked about life and laughed. I got a text from one guy who just was so nice. “You can call me for anything. We are friends.” For a 37 year old man, that’s like an epic novel! Nice. I have to say though, I’m ready for a detox week or two. Not that I’ve really been twisting off or binging as one does in times like this…just a steady stream coming in and coming out of my body and I’m pretty sure I need a break.

Three weeks until NYC, and I’m ready for some Bougeouis Pig!!

I need to get my computer back from Joe and get settled with using it again. I need to take a load of stuff back to the house. I need to figure out the Sprint bill, and change addresses on all kinds of crap. This tedious stuff is starting to wear me out a little. . . but really if that’s the only thing I have to bitch about then life aint bad. eh?

I feel like I should be up and doing something else right now so I’ll sign off. Back to work tomorrow. Back to the routine. This will be good. Till then,

Huzzuah and happy whatever day this is.

The day is here. It’s gorgeous outside right now. . . at 6:45 a.m. The heat will arrive soon. 100 plus for the rest of our lives. It’s ok. The last few days, I have been blessed more times over than one person deserves. My friends who help me sleep and laugh and sing. My friends who just talk me off of the ledge and bring boxes and in the blink of an eye have all the books and stuff packed away. My friends who are just detail oriented tweakers who clean as I pack, pack as I clean, wrap my china in the most delicate of ways, bring big ass boxes and big ass supplies of bubble wrap. My friends who send strength from across the miles, wrapping their arms of support around me…My People. My Tribe. I’m blessed. Thank you all.

I’m over here early today. Woke up at 4:30, stayed in bed till 5:30, the coffee was brewed so I helped myself to a few cups and then jotted out of there. I stink. I am really really stinky. My bathroom isn’t packed, so I’m going to clean myself and take a load out to the new digs. The kitties moved yesterday. They were tweaking too, but when I talked to BonusMom last night the boys were settling in, and KikiMama was still in the carrier. Making a statement we believe. We’ll be ok.

I’m sad about this ending. I’m sad about this relationship gone. It creeps up on me in the weirdest of moments. After we have a conversation and he’s nice and genial and I hang up and burst into tears. Going through the cards we’ve given each other all these years. Thinking of the milestones we’ve shared with his children. Sr. prom, shopping for The Dress, graduation, buying her first diamonds, watching her fall in love with a great guy, traveling to her softball games. The son’s wedding. Losing his Dad, Aunt Ruthie…we’ve been through a lot. I sent an email to his sister, she has yet to respond. I’m not airing dirty laundry to his family. Not my scene. Just wanted her to know. Maybe we won’t talk anymore… I don’t know.

So this morning, I type with tears…tears of sadness and some regret, tears of anticipation and the unknown, tears of relief that we’ve finally closed the door, tears for family that is no longer, tears of excitement for a new beginning. . . tears that I only got about 4 hours of sleep….sigh. But mostly just tears. So much emotion bubbling to the brim, after being on lock down for so long, it’s just there gurgling to get out. So be it.

I only have the bathroom, some stuff in here in the computer room, and part of the garage to get organized. The movers come at noon. I’ll be online at my new place, so while there may be a downtime here, it won’t be too long.

This is what I look like leaving…….

Ok. I have a plan. Boy do I have a plan. The village that it takes will help pack tomorrow, and Friday nights. I will call the movers tomorrow and schedule them for Saturday around noonish. They will come, load all the crap, load the furniture and the piano and haul it out to the Frontier. Done. Bada Bing. This is making me happy. I feel good.

One of my guy friends from the bar came in to get his hair cut today, and I know it KILLS him to pay 23 bucks for a haircut, so that made me feel good. When he left, though, I had a huge pity party for myself. I am pissed that my bar, my friends are out of reach right now. I realize not forever but damnit. Breathe in, breathe out.

I got over it.

The greatest news of today came from WW weigh in. Didn’t go last week on account of I was breaking up with the fuckwit that was in my house. Then emotional eating and drinking like it was 1999….so very nervous.

I lost 1.6 pounds! Huzzuah. When googling for an image this is what I came up with. A little frog buddah tochocke (cannot spell that word) thingy. Whatever. I lost it.

Che came over tonight, brought Pei Wei for dinner and we made a plan of attack. AND bless her little heart I got a teensey weensey Zanax to sleep on. So this is me signing off, and hitting the sack. I’m actually going to sleep tonight. I hope.

Huzzuah.

I think I’m getting out sooner than next Sunday. More like Monday or Tuesday of the coming week. Send good packing vibes.

He’s already seeing someone else. I swear to God. Texts on his phone confirm. And yes, I check it. I have always checked it. Because I’ve never trusted him. DUH. Plus I pay for that mother on my bill so I figure it’s mine to do with what I want, including cancelling it if Sprint will be so gracious to do so. Doubtful.

I got two texts around the same time last night on my phone from people I know were at the bar, who obviously saw them together and figured it out. And it’s not so much that he’s with someone else, it’s that they are up there at the place I LIKE TO GO TO! With some of my people. Ugh. annoyed is what I am.

I told him last night that I didn’t know what this weekend was really going to encompass. I’m supposed to go to Arkansas until Tuesday but I don’t see how I can do that…I need to be PACKING AND GETTING THE FUCK OUT. And I also said, “don’t bring anyone into my house until I’m out” He just looked shocked. And it doesn’t matter that I say that and he says ok, he’ll do whatever he damn well pleases anyway because that is how he operates. What he wants and when he wants it.

Am I pissed about the other girl? Not her specifically. I don’t think. It’s not like I wanted him/want him. Is it just because they are gross all over the bar that used to be mine? territorial thing? I am pretty territorial. WHY DO I CARE??? Annoyed. It’s embarrassing. true. But it’s not my embarrassment, I’m not owning that.

I’ve packed about 4 boxes and oh my GOD you guys. . . endless. It feels endless and hopeless and what the fuck am I going to do?!?!?!?!? I’m not whining, or crying. Not really stressing. I guess I’m just having a bit of a blowout. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

And as I type out loud, the cats scatter away wondering what the hell’s gotten into Mom.

and I need suggestions as to where to go for boxes. He brought three from the bar. Beer boxes are good, so there should be more where those came from…I’m getting boxes from work today…

I think I’m just going to get packed, order a U-haul, beg strong men, possibly my father for help (am moving a piano people. those are hea-bee as Wonderboy says)and try to get this shit done by next Sunday…

Should I just move my clothes and cats and start living there this weekend when I come back? Then just move boxes at a time, after work and whatnot? I hate HATE leaving my stuff here unsupervised. Now, that IS me tweaking out on being territorial.

And does anyone know how to get my Itunes music off of this computer and onto my laptop? Joe? Ideas? At this point, I could give a shit but am trying to cover all the bases.

oy.

I have to say, sleeping in that other bed SUCKS ASS. I wake up I swear every single hour. Me and whatever cat. I just can’t sleep. I try breathing exercise, meditation, and all that does is clear my head to start mentally packing and moving. Waking up remembering not to pack the Harry Potter’s because Madchen(MAY-chen) is reading them right now and wouldn’t that suck to pack them away mid series.

So. forget all that no need to say anything but good game bullshit I said earlier…I need community response and insight. I’m at the bottom of my resource of energy getting through the last phase and working out of this one. I’m just focusing on being moved, living life on the frontier with the kitties. All 7 of them. And working on loving life and myself again.

But first I freaking have to pack all this shit.

and did nobody like my koala joke? I laughed until I fell off my chair. Oh well. It worked on me!!!

During college, Chrome and I had a conversation with our Ma. Ma was our English professor/Division Chair/mentor/Wonder Woman. She had decided that both Chrome and I looked very much like two of her daughters. . . so we asked her one day, “who’s our Daddy?”

In all eloquence and dignity, she replied, ” Girls, you can pick your own.”

The woman is BRILLIANT, I tell you.

Well, Chrome picked Carl Sagan to be her daddy and I picked Joseph Campbell.

Joe has helped me through many a dark night of the soul and as I was flipping through a book of his last night I found some inspiration and wonderful words. I share them with you.

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

“The warrior’s approach is to say “yes” to life: “yes” to it all.”

“Committing yourself to a person unconditionally is very different from having unconditional love for everybody in New York City. I’m not the Dalai Lama, who’s supposed to have unconditional love for everything in the world. Even God doesn’t have unconditional love. He throws people into hell. I personally don’t even think that unconditional love is an ideal. I think you’ve got to have a discriminating faculty and let bastards be bastards and let those that ought to be hit in the jaw get it.—–I think perhaps unconditional love is the Grail. It goes past God–a pretty big picture. Love, which is unconditional in marriage, is specific, it is focused. It is for that person and not for somebody else. Unconditional love goes right through everything, and it’s a breakthrough in spiritual life. Do not look for it outside of yourself. The only place to look for it is inside. If it is going to be unconditional love, what’s out there doesn’t matter.”

“The psyche knows how to heal, but it hurts. Sometimes the healing hurts more than the initial injury, but if you can survive it, you’ll be stronger, because you’ve found a larger base. Every commitment is a narrowing and when that commitment fails, you have to get back to a larger base and have the strength to hold to it.—Nietzsche called it “the love of your fate” Whatever your fate is, whatever the hell happens, you say, “that is is what I need.” It may look like a wreck,but go at it as though it were an opportunity, a challenge. If you bring love to that moment-not discouragement-you will find the strength is there.”

And finally:

” the dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed.”

A koala is sitting up a gum tree ….

smoking a joint

when a little lizard walks past

and looks up and says,

“Hey Koala !

What are you doing?”

The koala says: “Smoking a
joint, come up and have some.”

So the little lizard climbs up and sits

next to the koala and they burn a few.

After a while the little lizard says his

mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a

drink from the river. But the little lizard

is so stoned that he leans too far

over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over

to the little lizard and helps him to

the side, then asks the little lizard:

“What’s the matter with you?”

The little lizard explains to the crocodile

that he was sitting smoking a joint with

the koala in the tree, got too stoned and

then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this

out and walks into the rain forest, finds

the tree where the koala is sitting finishing

a joint, and he looks up and says “Hey you!”

So the koala looks down at him and says:

“Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude … how

much water did you drink?!!”

So, I’ve often suspected of infidelity on his part throughout this relationship. Some things I have a gut feeling about. The when’s where’s who’s are of no consequence and there is no “why didn’t I leave sooner” going on. Now is the time and so be it. But tonight I had a conversation with a girl who I enjoy quite a lot. We hung out at the bar, her husband has fixed my a/c on more than one occasion.

Apparently, he’s moved on. And fast. There was someone all over him on Saturday night, and she was wearing a wedding ring. The night before I broke up with him, he left with two six packs and his ex girlfriend. The one before me. I found that out about thirty minutes after I broke it off and left the house that morning.

Bleagh. Ewwwwwww. Gross.

I feel grossed out by that. The corpse ain’t even got the rigomortis and DAMN!

On the other hand, had there been ANYONE to kiss this weekend, I’d have totally done it.

But I have a grossed out pit in my stomach…and while I know there is no understanding or explanation, and who-the-hell-cares-good-by-and-good-riddance-to- him-I-have-done-the-right-thing-and-the-logical-side-is-the-one-that-is-in-the-driver’s-seat-now, I feel what I feel. I figured I’d write it out. Purge and Cleanse.

Chant with me people:

CLEAN SLATE! CLEAN SLATE! CLEAN SLATE!

I’m settling in for a night of my boyfriend Anthony Bourdain who is in the center of the universe on tonight’s episode. NEW YORK baby!! I’m taking notes. Hope you get to catch it too. . .

I’m ok. but I’ve decided to unlock the dam. Un-compartment the compartmentalization that’s been so strong for the last few years. No holds barred, here it comes. I don’t need anything from this nor do I expect anything in the form of words or whatever. This is one of those situations where we all go “good game” and leave the field. I’m in a good place. I just need to get it out of my head.

Things are good. I really feel like my plan is forming and taking shape and it’s one that I like and can really live with. Communication and whatnot are fine between he and I, but we still have to talk and get things settled and take care of details about the money and living arrangements. I really don’t see any of it being a problem.

My plan is to move to the Frontier with BonusMom. The kitties will love all the room and things to kill and eat. Plus two of their family already live out there so it’ll be a reunion of sorts. I had a talk with KikiMama yesterday and she purred in agreement so I’m thinking it’s a good deal. I’ll stay there and get my money worked in a way so that when my perfect house comes around I can afford new furniture, (of which i have none) a washer and dryer, (of which I have never even thought of owning) a new bed/mattress/sheets (because taking the spare bedroom furniture that is in my house that used to belong to his ex girlfriend does not appeal to me nor does it fit in with my Clean Start plan one iota.)

While this is a lot of money to save, and by the way, will need to save for a down payment of some sort, I will have my raise/promotion go into effect after the NY trip in September, and getting busy in the holiday season will bring in the money.

I feel like it’s good. Workable. The only downside is having no place to bring home a man for a slumber party. . . and quite frankly, that is the least of my worries right now.

I feel sad at times about the demise of this relationship. But the mourning period has come and gone already. It’s been done for awhile now. Years. So the only really anxiety I feel is about packing all this crap and moving it. And that is so minor, I’m just not going to fret.

It is what it is.

I feel the support from all corners. I am truly blessed with a net of people to catch me. Life is good.

Huzzuah and Happy Monday.