I spent some time with this sloganater as per Kizz and found some funny. Mindless mindsucking fun!

It’s a lot less Zelda than a Hover…(??)

Come One, Come All to Zelda

Zelda Keeps Going and Going

I’m Lovin’ Zelda

That’s Handy Harry! Stick It In The Zelda! (dirty!)

Zelda Is My Middle Name

Whatever Your Into, Get Into Zelda.

Maybe She’s Born With It, Maybe It’s Zelda.

Does You Does, Or Does You Don’t Take Zelda?

Well Valentines day was just another Thursday. Slow moving at work. Did meet an interesting fella. We’ll discuss him later. I made all of 50 bucks today. Flop. and flop. Tomorrow is the last day of the pay period and I’m THIS close to commission and fuck around if I don’t have one single appointment tomorrow. SO. . . Manifest Ya’ll!!

Went to weigh in today. up point two. then I peed for about ten minutes(drinking a lot of iced tea from Sonic since I gave up pop for Lent last week.) and wanted to re-weigh but it was too late. Oh well. Next week. Haven’t been to the gym in a week so that will help get the ball (or ass) rolling for next week. Halakaleem!

Took some stuff to my mortgage broker. Things are moving along on that front. Trying not to think too much about anything until the inspection comes and goes. monday. 2pm.

We have a new reader here. Got a comment from a long lost friend. Actually the brother of a long lost friend. My best friend really,from about first grade thru fifth,I think was when she moved to Texas. Anyways, I suppose he just stumbled upon the blog whilst cruising the net. It’s such a small world. So, KevinsDad, welcome. Get your sisters over here too. It’s Free Admission and unlimited stay here at the Circus! Glad to have you.

Has anyone watched Lipstick Jungle? I like it. I like the sex that blonde is having with that sculpted specimen of delicious. It’s a muscle buffet. All. You. Can. Eat.

My horoscope in this months edition of Marie Claire said I was supposed to have hot sex tonight. So far the only thing hot was the plate of nachos I had for dinner. again, AGAIN, I say…

MANIFEST YA’LL!!!

So, Chrome’s show opened last week. here’s some belated breaking of legs for her. I want details my darling, on how it’s been and how it’s going!

Kizz opens her show tomorrow night. Many legs breaking for you too dear.

Here’s to a Happy Valentine’s day/night and to a Happy Friday. Halakaleem. I’m hitting the sack with thoughts of George floating around in my head. Slurp.

and finally, I leave you with Eve’s words. I have done this show twice. Once as an actor, the other as a director. It was profound, both experiences. This isn’t the monologue I did, but the one I’m waiting for…along with my wagon wheel coffee table!Looking for Bob.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you all. Love Love Love.

THIS IS HOW I CAME TO LOVE MY VAGINA.

IT’S EMBARRASSING

BECAUSE IT’S NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT.

I MEAN, I KNOW HOW IT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

IN A BATH, WITH SALT GRAINS FROM THE DEAD SEA,

ENYA PLAYING…

ME LOVING MY WOMAN-SELF.

I KNOW THE STORY.

VAGINAS ARE BEAUTIFUL.

OUR SELF-HATRED IS ONLY THE INTERNALIZED REPRESSION

AND HATRED OF THE PATRIARCHAL CULTURE.

IT ISN’T REAL.

PUSSIES UNITE.

I KNOW ALL OF IT.

LIKE IF WE’D GROWN UP IN A CULTURE

WHERE WE WERE TAUGHT FAT THIGHS WERE BEAUTIFUL,

WE’D ALL BE POUNDING DOWN MILK SHAKES AND DOUGHNUTS,

, SPENDING OUR DAYS LYING ON OUR BACKS

THIGH-EXPANDING.

BUT WE DIDN’T GROW UP IN THAT CULTURE, DID WE ?

NO.

I HATED MY THIGHS,

AND I HATED MY VAGINA EVEN MORE.

I THOUGHT IT WAS INCREDIBLY UGLY.

I WAS ONE OF THOSE WOMEN WHO HAD LOOKED AT IT,

AND FROM THAT MOMENT ON I WISHED I HADN’T.

IT MADE ME SICK.

I PITIED ANYONE WHO HAD TO GO DOWN THERE.

IN ORDER TO SURVIVE,

I BEGAN TO PRETEND

THERE WAS SOMETHIN G ELSE BETWEEN MY LEGS.

I IMAGINED FURNITURE.

COZY FUTONS WITH LIGHT COTTON COMFORTERS,

LITTLE VELVET SETTEES, OR PRETTY THINGS.

SILK HANDKERCHIEFS,

QUILTED POT HOLDERS.

I GOT SO ACCUSTOMED TO THIS,

I LOST ALL MEMORY OF HAVING A VAGINA.

WHENEVER A MAN WAS INSIDE ME,

I PICTURED HIM INSIDE A MINK-LINED MUFFLER

OR A CHINESE BOWL.

THEN I MET BOB…

BOB WAS THE MOST ORDINARY MAN

I EVER MET.

THIN, TALL, NONDESCRIPT,

HE WORE KHAKI TAN CLOTHES.

( audience laughing )

BOB DID NOT LIKE SPICY FOODS OR LISTEN TO PRODIGY.

HE HAD NO INTEREST IN SEXY LINGERIE.

IN THE SUMMER,

HE SPENT TIME IN THE SHADE.

. HE DID NOT SHARE HIS INNER FEELINGS

, HE DIDN’T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS OR ISSUES

HE WASN’T EVEN AN ALCOHOLIC.

HE WASN’T VERY FUNNY O R ARTICULATE OR MYSTERIOUS.

. HE WASN’T MEAN OR UNAVAILABLE

HE WASN’T SELF-INVOLVED OR CHARISMATIC.

HE DIDN’T DRIVE FAST.

I DIDN’T PARTICULARLY LIKE BOB.

I WOULD HAVE MISSED HIM ALTOGETHER

E IF HE HADN’T PICKED UP MY CHANG

THAT I DROPPED ON THE DELI FLOOR.

WHEN HE HANDED ME BACK MY PENNIES AND QUARTERS,

AND HIS HAND

ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED MINE,

. SOMETHING HAPPENED

. I WENT TO BED WITH HIM

THAT’S WHEN TH E MIRACLE OCCURRED.

IT TURNED OUT THAT BOB LOVED VAGINAS.

HE WAS A CONNOISSEUR.

HE LOVED THE WAY THEY TASTED, THE WAY THEY SMELLED,

THE WAY THEY FELT, BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY,

BOB LOVED THE WAY THEY LOOKED.

. HE HAD TO LOOK AT THEM

FIRST TIME WE HAD SEX, HE TOLD ME HE HAD TO SEE ME.

“I’M RIGHT HERE, BOB.”

“NO,” HE SAID. “YOU, I NEED TO SEE YOU.”

“TURN ON THE LIGHT,” I SAID,

THINKING HE WAS A WEIRDO AND FREAKING OUT IN THE DARK.

HE TURNED ON THE LIGHT.

“OKAY,” HE SAID, “I’M READY, I’M READY TO SEE YOU.”

“I’M RIGHT HERE, BOB, RIGHT HERE.”

HE BEGAN TO UNDRESS ME.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BOB ?”

“I NEED TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.”

“BUT YOU’VE SEEN A RED LEATHER COUCH BEFORE, BOB,

I KNOW YOU’VE SEEN THAT.”

BOB CONTINUED, HE WOULD NOT STOP.

I WANTED TO THROW UP AND DIE.

“THIS IS AWFULLY INTIMATE, BOB.

CAN’T YOU JUST DO IT ?”

“NO,” HE SAID.

“IT’S WHO YOU ARE, I NEED TO LOOK.”

I HELD MY BREATH.

HE LOOKED,

AND LOOKED.

HE GASPED,

AND SMILED,

AND STARED,

AND GROANED.

HE GOT BREATHY,

AND HIS FACE CHANGED.

HE DIDN’T LOOK ORDINARY ANYMORE.

HE LOOKED LIKE A HUNGRY BEAST.

“YOU’RE SO BEAUTIFUL,” HE SAID.

“YOU’RE ELEGANT AND DEEP

” AND INNOCENT AND WILD.

“YOU SAW THAT THERE ?”, I SAID.

IT WAS LIKE HE READ MY PALM.

“I SAW THAT,”

HE SAID, “AND MUCH, MUCH MORE.”

BOB STAYED LOOKING

. FOR ALMOST AN HOUR

, AS IF HE WERE STUDYING A MAP

, OBSERVING THE MOON

STARING INTO MY EYES.

BUT IT WAS MY VAGINA !

IN THE LIGHT,

I WATCHED HIM LOOKING AT ME.

HE WAS SO EXCITED.

SO PEACEFUL AND EUPHORIC.

I BEGAN TO GET WET AND TURNED ON.

I BEGAN TO SEE MYSELF THE WAY HE SAW ME.

I BEGAN TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL AND DELICIOUS,

LIKE A GREAT PAINTING OR A WATERFALL.

BOB WASN’T AFRAID, NO, HE WASN’T GROSSED OUT.

I BEGAN TO SWELL.

I BEGAN TO FEEL PROUD.

I BEGAN TO LOVE MY VAGINA.

. AND BOB LOST HIMSELF THERE

AND I WAS THERE WITH HIM,

IN MY VAGINA.

AND WE…

WERE…

GONE !

Had a wee celebration last night for the house-buying. We really just needed an excuse to go out on a school night and have some face time with each other. Seige showed up, gave out sage plumbing advice, paid off a nice little busboy to google at Dre’s boobs and distributed general hilarity. MeShell and MGirl took turns at doodles and drawings while Dre announced that she needed more references in said blog. She’s tired of reading about MGirl and Moi, to which MeShell said well, we are busy being married! to which Dre replied “I’m available. I’m AVAILAAAAAAAAAAABLE! Well, only for girls..oh” She heard herself right in the middle of that statement. needless to say, lots of laughter. LOTS of laughter.

I needed it. Yesterday was spent talking to every insurance agent this side of the Mississippi, looking for quotes on the house. My brain is full of numbers and deductables and percentages and once again (will this never end?) people talking DOWN to me. Here’s the deal folks. Have I ever done this before? No. Do I have a lot of the knowledge at hand for any of this? No. Did I get to where I am today, experiencing what I’ve experienced by being a fucking idiot?

that is a rhetorical question.

BLEAGH. The thing about it is, i get a fat discount for having auto and home on the same policy. but my insurance, the people I’ve been with since I was 16, are the highest for homeowners.. Flop. The other guys, want my auto as well, but won’t give me a 250 deductable with the same rate for my car. They are trying to talk me into a 750, or 500 deductable which, as a single woman buying a house, is stupid. Just stupid. If something were to happen, I would need a rental(all my extra back up cars moved to Arkansas) and could come up with 250. Not so much with the 500 or 750. But no one wants to hear it. just Talk Talk Talk talk. flop. I’m probably going to keep my car where it is, and just do homeowners thru someone else. So be it. Spence said it would be frustrating yet rewarding. Four days into it and I’m ready for some rewards.

Everyone got their valentimes (i know i’m spelling it that way. i like it)lined up for tomorrow? It’s going to be nice here and the only reason I say that is because the lovely lady who owns the flower shop two spaces down from the salon will have a great day!

I took the morning to myself today. Have been really bad at working out the past week. Just need some me time. I need to do some heavy laughing. So we’ll see what weigh in brings tomorrow and get back on the horse at that point.

Ok. I’m out. To the shower, to the bank, must get some cat food and get to work. Have a delightfully productive humpday. Ciao.

So, despite taking that very giant grown up step this weekend and buying a house, I’ve decided to give you a list of reasons why, like that kid on the Toys R Us commericial, I’m still not grown.

10)Bodily functions make me laugh until I cry. Still.

9.) When I’m sick, I still like some Vicks Vapor Rub on my chest with a warm towel.

8.) Cookies and milk (homemade peanutbutter) can make anything better.

7.) I still get giddy and a little misty-eyed(ha!) at the end of Sixteen Candles, Footloose, Breakfast Club and Dirty Dancing…and can quote each with a clarity that is frightening.

6.) Eating Frosted Flakes right from the box, whilst viewing any and every episode of Beverly Hills 90210 is a perfect way to spend a day.

5.)I’ll never get over my crushes on Luke Perry, or Christian Slater. Sigh.

4.) Sometimes I crave a suicide. (a little bit of every kind of pop on the machine that we’d get at the skating rink.)

3.) I really get scared from scary movies.

2.)Hide and Go seek still makes me pee my pants.

1.) I get mad crushes on boys who for all intents and purposes won’t return the crush. Oh well…that’s why they call it a crush! (cue parental voice)

MeShell had the good sense to capture this moment on film via her cellphone. She’s gonna make a great momma someday!

Lawd, what a weekend!! Halakaleem! So many thank you’s to all of you for the texts/comments/myspace messages. MGirl said it right. I’ve got a great camp! I certainly do. For those of you who tromped thru the house before i got the balls to sign for it, all the while winking and nodding and encouraging me, I thank you! it’s going to be a crazy few months! But look at me now. Six months ago I was in such a dark, horrible place and now I’m a gosh danged homeowner!! What the fuck??? Let’s get it done fast before they realize that I’m sooooo not grown up and have been faking it all these years!

Monday is inspection day. 2pm. We have to make sure things are up to code and pass or I’m walking away from this baby, no deal. It’s more complicated than my brain can deal with but I’m doing ok, keeping up, treading water. My mind has shifted from the oh my gosh oh my gosh stuff to visualizing the bliss and memories I’m going to have in this fabulous place!!

I think I close march 30th. If all the stuff is done before, we’ll do it earlier. However, i don’t plan on moving until the end of April. I want to wait till after my sis has her baby. One big thing at a time. So far Holden Walker is growing and kicking and still is set to launch April 16ish. After that, I’ll call the movers and pack the piano and Forward march!!! Until then, I hope to get painting done, and some furniture bought and maybe get a washer/dryer but you know? If I don’t? whatever. Throw some cold beer in the fridge and move the hell in anyway!!

On the frontier alone this week. Me and the cats anyway. Bonusmom is spending time in Arkansas then going to her sis’s house in St Louis. So anyway, I’ll be hunting and gathering info for my mortgage man, working on taxes, sending break a leg wishes to the NYC gals, oh yeah, Valentimes is this week too. I’d better shave just in case George stops by, get the legs nice and smooth. maybe change the sheets…but that might jinx things! Ok. dirty sheets it is!

I’ve put off doing work for too long. Must sign of for a bit. Huzzuah and Halakaleem and i love George Clooney.

I made an offer on a house Saturday. It got accepted today. Holy moly. I’m about to be a homeowner. Here’s the link to look at it. The pics make it look bigger than it really is. It’s tiny, but cosy. Just right. I’m going to hypervennilate now.

enjoy.

http://dittoandassoc.helpusell.com/el/details.asp?id=9397928
&agent=24314

I have decided to give up bulimia and world peace for Lent.

Anyone else?

Well, Hillary won quite clearly in our state. As did McCain. I figured he would but am very surprised that she did. I think too many people believe that we’d be selling our souls to have a president with a middle name of Hussein. (be reminded that I live in a very red state. blood red.) Much less a black man who allegedly doesn’t pledge the flag. good grief.

Still too close to call nationally, though. When are the other primaries? Soon, in the coming weeks I believe.

No Fat Tuesday celebration for me yesterday. I was so bad to my body all weekend long, but it was a little sad, no craw fish for me this year. it’s my favorite thing, though. maybe next year.

I have a few new houses to look at…a lot of houses are for sale by owner so that is a whole other new genre for me to learn about. Will keep you posted about that. I did have a dream last night about cooking lasagna for a certain man friend in my new house. It had wood floors and apparently my new couch is COM-FEE!! bwa ha ha ha ha. Someday…please God. Someday.

Speaking of God, do any of you observe Lent? Starts today. I observed it once, being the lapsed Baptist that I am. Well, raised Baptist, then dated/married Assembly of God(raised hands, speaking in tongues, boogidy boogidy stuff) for five or so years so I don’t know what that makes me. So once, my first tour it was me and four Catholics. We gave up fast food. Easy, eh? Well, when you are on the road, living in a van and in hotels, fast food is what you eat. We all did really well. We deemed Subway allowable and if anyone fell off, the money spent on fast food went into a kitty to be spent on beer at the end of Lent. God was ok with the beer part, right? It was the Easter Sunday lunch at the only Sonic in Illinois that made it so perfect!!

I have several friends that observe. BonusMom who is Lutheran, observes. I’d like to. You all may very well fall off your chairs, but I miss church. And not just CHURCH, but I miss that part of my life. I feel strongly (about more than my boobs) about this, and pretty much only discuss it with Martha or Gert. At a crossroads, I am.

I cannot log onto myspace. This week, it’s a hit or miss thing. I don’t know if it’s my computer that is possessed or what. I’m on a loop of logging in with my name and password and it processes it then sends me right back to the same thing. over and over and over and over. Once in a blue moon it takes and I get on. Tried for about an hour last night, so I just stayed logged on until late. Annoying. Grrrrrr.

The good news is that George says not to worry too much about my boobs. He says more than this hand full is a waste anyway. Huzzuah and Happy Humping Day. I’m off to the gym. I felt pretty good in my skinnier jeans on Sunday but oh the road is a long one.

NOTE***If you are reading this and trend toward the squemish or just don’t need to know anything about my boobs, sign off now. You have been warned. ***

Speaking of boobs…mine are going away. I think it to be the most unfair of all unfair’s that just because one works on losing one’s fat nasty ass, she has to lose the only thing she’s got going for her too.

I like my boobs. I always have. Never really obsessed on their size, sometimes wished they were bigger, but not enough to want surgery or feel ugly about them. They are fine with me. . . a little too responsive at times,(shots do it every time!ergo the padded bra) but hey, that’s ok with me. Recently though, I’ve been looking at them a lot. I did the pencil test while in the bathroom the other morning. You know what I’m talking about? Where you put a pencil under your boob and if it stays…well you’ve lost some perk.

Morbid, horrible test. nonetheless, I took it.

Flop. Pencil on floor immediately. Now, I was shocked and retook said test about oh…thirteen times. Yay! one would say! Perky!! Huh. I’m not so sure about that.
I’m pretty sure it’s because they are shrinking. Dwindling away, sadly swimming about in a bra that has become more like a tent than a snugly fitted glove.

WHY?!?!?!?!?

I’m sad about this. It’s not worth eating back the 30+lbs that have caused the little fuckers to shrink, but damnit!!! DAMN IT!

I know we all have body issues. Some of us have been used as a drive thru McDonalds by our children, some of us have battled disease and won, or lost, some of us have lost and gained and lost and gained, some of us are pre-dispositioned genetically. I get all of that. And I’m not comparing or competing with any of it.

But, I have to admit, I’m sad about my boobs.