I did not sleep.
Partially because The Voices kept rehearsing my set in my head and partially because I dont know how to turn off notifications on my crackberry so every five minutes or when I’d get an email or facebook, it would tweet. GAH! Joe is going to help fix that for me tonight. He doesn’t know it yet, but he’s gonna.
It came a huge storm last night, but is clearing off nicely today…am swigging coffee then heading out to the lake for a walk. Time for myself. Then to the bank, then to home to online pay bills, then to get MGirl, then to the Frontier to get Wonderboy, then to the Mustang pool for three hours max. Then to home for what I’d like to call a nap. Possibly just me in a dark room being quiet. Then MGirl is coming over to help do my hair and make sure I don’t drink too much. Yes. I need a babysitter. I’m not ashamed to admit it.
The last time I felt this kind of fear, fear of the unknown, fear so strongly, was when I left my first ex husband one weekend and moved to Indiana and started tour the next weekend. I vividly remember being in the backyard of the place where I was renting a room. It was the den/office. I slept on a pullout. Walking around the backyard on the cordless phone (pre cell phones) telling Gert, what am I doing? I’m supposed to be ass keep in cupcakes and little league by now! and Gert telling me she was pregnant with Noodle.
That is some pretty strong sense memory.
But with that fear came a second wave of feelings…so strong and convicted of my choice being the right one…so assured that I was within my own personal chaos, doing the right thing and the right time. This road? This road led me to the USPS guy and his pretty pretty wife, led me to Cincy for crazy weekend with Chrome, led me to Saginaw and opened my heart to Clemo, Kizz, Arnie, Dionysas and a year full of karaoke. Led me back to Cincy and to Chrome and to strength and struggles that forged a friendship worth all of it. Led me to puppets and to Harry Potter and to bartending my first job and to Carus my brother in arms. . . that road led me back to here. Back to my family and to Wonderboy and Wonderbaby. Back to Gert and to Joe. To BonusMom and the Frontier. To Elephantsoap and Numskullery and the Redhead and the Vegan in Nyc and Abbylicious and MGirl and Hawk and Ringo and Murph and the 796 guys and to Capital S and to banging hair and all my girls there and to my house and the gazebo and pumpkin carving parties and toasted pumpkin seeds and M’Lynn and Nan and the purple pool…
So with a belly full of fear.
And a heart full of conviction. . .
I jump onto this road. This new path tonight. Taking the first step into the darkness and into the unknown and knowing that someone will either be there to catch me or I’ll be taught how to fly*