More on The Subject: Change

Misti, are you still planning to go to The Jens’ house tonight? I’ll bring you a few contractor bags, which are a bit bigger and tougher than regular trash bags.

I’ve been thinking about change lately (it’s the beginning of a new year, so how can you not?), and there’s a lot I like and love about my life, but all those things I want to change are the result of being content with the way things are, or worse, being afraid of failing to make a change. I just finish reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. It’s about his journey to change the story of his life, from one that is boring and passive to one that is meaningful and active.
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From the Author’s Note:
If you watched a movie about a guy who wanted a Volvo and worked for years to get it, you wouldn’t cry at the end when he drove off the lot, testing the windshield wipers. You wouldn’t tell your friends you saw a beautiful movie or go home and put a record on to think about the story you’d seen. The truth is, you wouldn’t remember that movie a week later, except you’d feel robbed and want your money back. Nobody cries at the end of a movie about a guy who wants a Volvo.

But we spend years actually living those stories, and expect our lives to be meaningful. The truth is, if what we choose to do with our lives won’t make a story meaningful, it won’t make a life meaningful either.
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I read that, and just felt a knot in my gut, because I know it’s true.

I know the stories, and the myths, and the hero’s journey, and all of that. And I know that in all of the good stories, the main character isn’t the same person at the end of it that he or she was at the beginning. They’ve overcome the trials and tribulations, and the struggles, and the obstacles, and sacrificed. They have changed.

And if they don’t change, they don’t get to be the hero of their own story. And neither do I. To have a different life, I have to become a different person. To have a better life, I have to be a better person. Story is all about choices, and I’m supposed to be the main character in the story of my own life, but there are a lot of times when I feel like I’m living life as if I’m only a supporting character in someone else’s story. So, if I want a better story for myself, I need to make better choices, and that means changing what I do and/or how I do it.

that man knows his way around some words…no? Chris, not Donald Miller…though if it’s the same Donald Miller what wrote Blue Like Jazz…that dude knows his way around some words too.

But it’s true. We all want this life to be THE STORY. Be the best story ever. We WANT to be the hero, not the supporting character, (though Joan Cusack has made the supporting role one that I covet…but that’s a whole nuther thing)

I was talking to a client today, who I am so lucky to have in my life. Each haircut is a mini therapy session for either or both of us. I said today to her…this weekend it’s time for me to get down to the nitty gritty of this eye twitch thing. Do some real work, some real digging as to what is making me so anxious and nervious and why is my body internalizing these emotions in an eye twitch.

is it money? or paperwork? or the clutter? what is it? i’ve taken control of the diet. man…that’s been fun. but WW does work for me. I work well in these parameters so we shall see some good shit come of it. I know.

I want this year to be different. Last year was hard. Mothertrucking hard. I survived. Yes I sure did, but damn. This year, I’d really like to do more than survive. HOWEVER…last year built me into this years Survivor. All that hardship and angst and pain…made the 40 year old Misti the one who writes here today…

Am I better? I don’t know. I’m still whiney. I’m still angry about things. I’m still unable to fully LIKE myself and what I look like. I still seek solace in things that are bad for my health. I still mourn the loss of my breeding years to an alcoholic. I still get pissed off that I haven’t achieved it all…

and what the fuck does that even MEAN??? I don’t know. I don’t know. at all.

But I do think I’m stronger. I do think that I can see clearly now (everybody sing) or moreso than before. I look back to my life, especially since I bought the house, and I think, Damn Girl. You’ve come a long way.

I want to be the change. I want to see the change in me. I want to look back at the end of 2011, when I’m perusing these early posts and think…yeah. YEAH. FUCK YEAH. And I can’t wait to see what happens to us. To all of us. Don’t you want to, too?

I think if I can survive the past few years, the solitude, and the heartache, and the joys and the surprises…I think if I can push myself to just keep LEAPING. JUST LEAP. ask later. just go. GO If I can keep making decisions based 20% on logic and 80% on the color purple…then perhaps…perhaps I can be the hero of my story.

have I told you, though…that you. You. YOU are already my hero? Hero’s all around, all around me, surrounding me and supporting me. I got help with the dingdang Christmas tree. It’s in it’s own box, taped up for another year. Sigh of relief. Thank you friend. SO…I know and am at the ready with my gratefulness. I am present this year, in being grateful. I have no list for 2011. I just don’t I want to work on the debt. I want to be present in each day and be present in my gratefulness. I don’t want to miss a thing. ohhhh areosmith song.

so. i’m not promising that I wont continue to write about the subject. I know we’re all working on it. It’s one of my FAVORITE THINGS about a new year. keeping the momentum…that’s kind of a bitch. But for now…I want you to know that I support your story. I love this life. I think that if you want to do something then just fucking JUMP.

jump.

I think I just found my Philosophy for the Year.

Jump