Ladies and Gentlemen,
Today I had a breakthrough. It came in the middle of a breakdown. But I think it counts.
Quite a bit of my work consists of researching.
The advent of technology changed the way research is done, especially since I last did any in 1997.
So on my “homework days” I sit and I read. I make notes. I peruse databases online. I write a bit. Mostly I read and I peruse databases and read other works that have been published.
Surfing the net.
My brain does not aknowledge this to be Real Work. True Work. Productive Work.
That’s when the panic starts up and it get’s really crowded with the voices chanting and the crazy begins to swirl at my feet. Because those voices don’t think I’m doing anything real or valid. And I should BE doing something both real AND valid, and progressing and checking things off the list.
I recognized the panic signs. They’ve been coming on pretty frequently these last few weeks. I took a half of a xanax. Yes. It was the middle of the day. But I did it. Just a half.
I came back and put in an episode of West Wing and just sat on the couch doing some deep breathing.
Once I got it together, I took another look at the thesis I was trying to write, threw it all away, chose another author and wrote the thesis in two minutes. I changed the author and set the tone and now, now that I have that I know where I’m going. I then perused more databases, took some time to really look at how to use the search engines on these things and BAM. There. There in the prologue of the book A Burnt Out Case by Graham Greene, were the words spoken about him upon his death.
I’ll have to go back and trace my research path, but that assignment is essentially finished.
I’ve decided to designate specific time to work on specific classes and papers. I think that will help me not feel quite as overwhelmed.
Also…I vacuumed my carpets. I took out the trash and recycle. I called a doctor and finally got an appointment with a lady parts doctor. (I’ve got a list of things to speak to her about one of which is the panic attacks.)
I actually was productive today. Just a few steps forward. Just a car length ahead.
The calm has remained.