I’m sad.
And I feel selfish. really really selfish.
I’m sad, to the bone sad for losing PapaJames. But I am so thankful that the Lord saw fit to take him from the miserable miserable existence he was living. Meme, bless her crazy soul. . . well they have been battling in circles for some years. He with the Parkinson’s and the Alzheimer’s and she with the brain cloud, walking around hiding his glasses making him think he was going crazy. . . just bad news. And towards the end, they had to shave his mustache because of the food and drool…just thought of that. I bet he won’t have it. Oh. man.
I’m sad…because I just wish I had someone to hold me tonight. Not a random, faceless someone. Not that at all. I wish I had that best friend, who knows me, who laughs with me, talks with me about anything and everything. Someone who doesn’t smoke pot or do drugs. (you wouldn’t believe how difficult that first part is to find around here) Someone who understands that I will have to work long hours and will be tired when I get home, who doesn’t need me to be happy, but is so happy to be with me. Someone who understands the importance of my grandparents in my life, who forgives the crazy dysfunction that is my immediate family, and feels the same way about his. I want someone who wants to take trips. Someone to see the world with. Someone who will embrace my friends with all their wonky traits that i love so much. Someone who will get as many laughs from the Wonderboy and Wonderbaby as I do. Someone who is intelligent, who keeps learning and encourages me to do the same. I want someone who wants to go to church, who knows what the word tithe means and not some kind of LifeChurch experience, but a true, lift you up, filling experience. Someone who encourages my art, and will experience it with me. Someone faithful. Someone faithful. Someone faithful.
The thing is…I believe in him. I believe in all of it. Even after the poor choices and disasters that are in my wake…it’s there. I know it is.
and i know you aren’t supposed to miss things that you’ve never had…but in this case i think…an exception.
So you see.
Selfish.
My dad has lost his father. Our family, so fractured will all come together this week face to face and try to hold it together. Ex’s will share space with ex’s. tears and memories and blessings and gratitude.
and I’m sad because I want someone to hold me tonight.
Misti Ridiculous 
I think all of those thoughts are very fair thoughts dear. Not selfish at all. Papa had a wife. He had a love. He had a family. And death even times when it seems more merciful than sad prvokes thoughts in everyone of what they want their life to be. I think Papa is fine. Looking down from Heaven urging you to dream and dream big. I know I am here on earth doing that. Its in your blood to find a great love dear. Because of Oklahoma and Mildred… you know. In a mere blink of an eye it will come. I know it.I love you.
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It isn’t at all selfish. Not at all.You want someone to hold you.Why right now? Why this minute? I mean, yes, you do probably always want it, but why is it so strong right now? Because you are grieving. So, you want…you need…to share your grief with someone. To share. And sharing isn’t at all selfish.So, don’t you dare start to feel guilty, too.I love you.
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….and what’s wrong with a little selfishness, from a one who spends their time in selflessness?We must stand the dark to appreciate the light.
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Sometimes selfish is important. You need a little selfish to hold yourself together as the rest of this week hits and you have to help everyone out. Someone faithful, someone faithful, someone faithful.
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