Clarity

I want to hire someone to come feng shui my house. I know that the first step will be de-clutter. It seems as if everytime I get something uncluttered, five minutes later it’s just as gross as it was before. It’s exhausting. I know the energy in this house isn’t great. I can feel it weighing down on all of us. I need some space. Some light. Some new and fresh.

 

This weekend was dark. It’s getting better. But it isn’t great. I’ve completely shut down. One hundred percent. Off. Not mad. Not ragey or stabby or weepy or forgiving. I’m just off. Friday night sent me spiraling back into my old safety net and it’s taking a bit to shake it off. To the point that I can’t even get motivated to DO anything. Yesterday was silent. Shame. Grief. I just ignored it all and stayed in another room and slept or watched Suits. Now that I’m finished with that show…I’m at a loss.

 

I don’t want to waste the weekend. I have one more day. He is of course busy with the depot. as usual. I just need to make some choices and move forward with them. whatever that means.

 

New Beginnings

I’m back here again. Reclaiming my space in the writing world. It’s different, there are adjustments to make and new things to navigate, but it feels good to have a space to write. The world is maddening and life is busy and fast and without a place to put the words in my head, I have found that things go sideways.

So I feel happy that we have this place again.

I’ll make it mine, hang some photos on the wall, spiff things up at some point.

This weekend though, I remain in a state of gratefulness at the slow moving theme of the days and nights. The easy pace of sleeping in, sipping coffee and putting off taking down the outdoor decor, putting up the boxes of indoor holiday decor. It’ll be there tomorrow. Today we just wanted rest.

Sunday saw us back in the pew at St. Johns. What a respite that was for my soul. I pray for grace, for patience and for all of the broken pieces of me to become one. This human life is complicated, made more so with daily interruptions, family squabbles, impatience and deep seeded fears. I felt grace flowing all over me, and have continued to feel it. I know I was where I was supposed to be.

Something to be said about returning to a safe space.

 

 

Eclipse Crazy YaYa

Last week was equal parts beautiful and bonkers. The first week on a new job combined with an event is just about surviving. It’s eclipse crazy. YAYA! Yeah. Let’s blame the eclipse.

Late nights, a blown transformer on event day producing no power in the venue, a working transformer in time to cool down the space for 300 + guests, laughing hysterically during clean up and load out and a weekend spent in mindful rest, volunteering and learning a new instrument.

YAYA!

The eclipse is tomorrow. We are not traveling, but Mark did get us some of the last glasses in the world. I watched the newscast with Walter Cronkite from the last total eclipse in the 70’s and it’s just so cool. I love stuff like this.

Perhaps that’s what motivated me to pull the plug on learning an instrument. I’ve been talking about it for years, and we’ve talked about several possibilities. The guitar, (seems awfully daunting to me) a concertina. Because cute.

But after a conversation with Julie a few weeks ago I’ve been leaning toward a ukulele. The first step is learning how to spell the damn thing. Anywhoo, on Friday night I posted on the fb asking if anyone had one I could borrow just to test drive one. BOOM. My friend from jr high and high school messaged with “I’ve got one you can have- and it true El Reno fashion-lets meet at Sonic!”

and Bob’s your uncle, I now own a ukulele and some music!

This has been my most fun thing in awhile. Also, ya’ll. The look on Marks face when I learn chords and start to play music together? It’s something pretty special.

I’m happily still meditating, finding that there are significant pieces of consecutive time where I am totally in the moment, where I acknowledge how grateful I am for things like time with my best friend who is teaching me how to play an instrument, the summer wind on my face as we ride our bikes on neighborhood streets, the snuggle of my sweet sweet going blind fast baby kitty and the support and laughter of an amazing group of friends who also happen to be co-workers.

Also, Keshia’s new album is giving me life this week.

Who would’ve ever thought that at 46 years old, I would be touting the musical stylings of Keshia. Formerly Ke$hia.

What can I say?

Blame it on the eclipse.

New Beginnings

It’s been 6 months since I’ve visited this space. This rainy, lazy Saturday before I begin my new work adventures seems like a good time to come back, doesn’t it?

I’ve started meditating.

My goals for this are multiple:

Better sleep. Moving through the days with intention, compassion and awareness. More time in the moment and much less time spent with the chaos choir in my head. Less time spent just inside out exhausted from the world.

My former hair client and friend Ryan sent me a code for a free month of the Headspace app. I used it once and let it set for 6 weeks 8 weeks, who knows. All things in the right time, eh? So I started using it, ten minutes a day about the same time my friends and I started reading A Buddha Walks Into A Bar. Talk about serendipity.

I can already tell a difference if I somehow don’t give myself the ten minutes in the morning. I can tell a difference if I don’t give myself ten minutes at night to decompress.

The guided meditations are so easy. So…just…so forgiving. It’s ok if your mind travels. It’s ok. Everything is ok. There is no “you’re doing it wrong!!!” That’s the most pleasantly surprising thing, that it IS so nice and surprising in that my internal reaction was to expect the negative.

I love it. I can’t even tell you how much.

I’m doing a float tomorrow and I cannot wait to do it and incorporate some of the practices I’ve already gained.

Monday, I begin my Fund Development career. I’m still with Girl Scouts. No longer in the PR/Comms dept, and while that job has afforded me so many crazy, cool, life-changing experiences I am beyond ready for something new.

I’m thankful that I found something to feed this need without having to leave the organization that I so strongly believe in. I’ll hit the ground running next week as we have an event on Thursday, I’ve got a United Way event on Wednesday with one of our state legislators and holy cow thats not even counting the learning curve. I’m excited.

I’m happy to be back here too.

 

 

 

Free Brain Space

I’ve been making a conscious effort this year to spend less time taking in the opinions of the world via social media, and putting more energy into gratitude, being mindful of the time I’m spending in conversation with my husband and friends and just generally staying away from the yuk.

I removed all FB apps from my phone, which is working great. Especially when I’m in a waiting situation, like the line at the grocery store, or at the salon. I disconnected my Twitter and IG feed from FB and enjoy time on those platforms independent from FB.

Because pretty pictures of my sweet #SybilWoJo and #Jamapalooza and #ZooBabies are way better for my soul than anything anyone is posting on Facebook. Because 140 characters is enough for me to ingest.

It’s working. I feel lighter. I’m having less arguments with family and friends and acquaintances in my head. There is less toxic and more of the good in my particularly crazy brain.

I’m calling it a win.

We’ve continued going to St. John’s here in Norman on Sunday morning. We have had some really great conversations about the time we’re spending, how we feel about it, what it means to us and our lives. It has been many many years since I’ve been a churchgoer. So these are baby steps. But we are really enjoying what this time we spend weekly is adding to our lives.

Mark will have his 35th work anniversary this year. We look forward to the day that we can retire, and move to Colorado and begin a new adventure there. He’s sent off for actual retirement information, and once we have that we will being real conversations about real dates. I’m giddy about it. And scared. But not so scared that I wouldn’t do it.

Leap and the net will appear.

I want to begin writing here on a more regular basis. There are books to read. Shows to see. Life to be lived. That moment a day journal I started? I made it like two weeks and then dropped off. I should pick that up again. And that’s cool, right?

The politics and the state of our world right now is just doing its best to level me. A lot of us I think. But I’m holding on to joy.

Savoring the moments.

 

 

#Blessed

We’ve talked about it for several years…really since I met the priest of St John’s Episcopal Church at a neighborhood Christmas party a few years ago and just enjoyed his company immensely. Our neighbor and friend Anne goes to St. John’s and I’ve always loved the way she loves her church.

When Mark and I speak of ‘church’ (and we have these conversations often) we do what most non-church going folk do and bring all of our personal experiences to the table. Our stories sometimes intersect and overlap, but not with positive examples. So when I said I wanted to visit this week, it came after several years of talking about it. Looking at different “flavors” as I call it. What do we like about church, what do we not like.

We both love the tradition and ceremony, but also need a contemporary message that will ring true for our lives in 2017. We don’t like fog machines and praise bands, though that resonates with many, it’s not our personal flavor. Choirs and robes and candles and pews and prayers and messages about love and reminders that we are to love each other and commentary on the place in our society and democracy…all of that. All of that.

Today was really lovely. Made even more special because my husband was right by my side sharing in this new experience. When the call for birthday and anniversaries came several people filed up and knelt at the alter.

“what are they doing,” I whispered.

“it’s their birthday or anniversary,” he whispered back.

“I know but what are they getting?” I asked.

“blessings!” he giggled. and continued to laugh at me while the folks received their blessings.

Look I didn’t know. Maybe you had to give a little extra money for your birthday tithe or something! I also spent a handfull of years in the Assembly of God flavor of church and the first time I was there and people filed to the alter one old lady took a header about two minutes into prayer and the men were lifting carrying her to her chair. So…yeah.

The Eucharist was just beautiful, the ceremony and affirmation of community.

also….real wine. one cup.

no little tiny baby shot glasses full of Welches.

 

As we kneeled in prayer (on real kneeling pews!) I prayed for this family of mine, for our next year, for this next week…I prayed for our leaders in the state capitol…and for our president-elect. If ever there was a week when my soul needs the extra bubble wrap security that comes with prayer…this is it.

It was a lovely way to start our week.

I look forward to visiting again.

 

Hitch Your Wagon

It’s an emotional night at my house. All of my emotions are just wrecked and hanging out on my shoulders.

President Obama just told us we should hitch our wagon to something greater than ourselves. To continue to have faith in and believe in Yes We Can.

sob.


I couldn’t even finish this last night.

In truth, I wanted to watch This Is Us and just decompress from the day.

My workday only concluded in time for me to tune into the President’s farewell speech when he was speaking to his wife and daughter. tears.

But I was keyed up already because I had just finished the first of 5 training webinar’s for my upcoming trip to NYC in March.

My council was one of three selected to send four delegates to represent girls and Girl Scouts at the United Nation’s Commission on the Status of Women for a week over Spring Break. I am one of the chaperones. For a week, our girls will be at the table, discussing the following: 

  • Priority theme:
    Women’s economic empowerment in the changing world of work
  • Review theme:
    Challenges and achievements in the implementation of the Millennium Development Goals for women and girls (agreed conclusions of the fifty-eighth session)
  • Emerging issue/Focus area:
    The empowerment of indigenous women

They will have an opportunity to serve with girls from Hawaii and Southern New England councils as well as other delegates from across the nation, and the world. They will be at the table representing the Girl space on the themes and be allowed to use their voice. They will literally be in the room where it’s happening. 

and I get to be there too.

This is going to be a game changer for these girls. What an experience.

I’m really proud that the organization I work for offers opportunities like this for girls to expand their world view, to think about more than their little bubble. They will experience travel and a big city and different modes of transportation and they will never be the same girls from Oklahoma who had maybe never left the state. (I don’t know their stories yet, but i’m on a roll here.)

And I firmly believe that this experience will help them navigate an adult life that brings issues like we are facing today.

This divisive, vitriolic culture that we’re all swimming in, watching it grow and grow until we’re dog paddling with our chins barely clear of it, and our friends, the people we have shared meals and laughter with, they refuse to throw us a life raft because they were for him and we were for her.

My hope is that these girls, will continue to have experiences that expand their world view, experiences that introduce them to people of other skin colors, people of other faiths, people who have different educations and backgrounds than they do. And because of those experiences, they have the courage to use their voice, to stand up for injustices and continue to impact their world and create change.

History has it’s eyes on you. On our president elect. On our governor. On you. On me.

I’m sickened by the sideshow. I’m confused by those who see him as the true answer.

And only time will tell…if we were on the right side of history.

Until then, I’m following this President’s call.

I’m hitching my wagon to something greater than ourselves.

I wonder what that will be for you?

For me, that something greater is our girls.

Yes. They. Can.