So, I totally DO want you to tell me to keep on keepin’ on. Keep my feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. Hang in there. All of that.

The previous post was not meant to discourage comments and support. Mostly it was to comment on how the past week or so it seems that I’ve had that hovering over me, what with all of the clients speaking about it and bla bla bla.

I maintain my stance that I’m good. Happy good. Healing good. I’m not focused on any of it. on being “out there” or looking or finding SuperDude. I was focused on a specific for a long time and hey.that was my choice. We ALL knew where that was heading…sigh. But being rejected like that…I don’t know why I say “like that” as if there are any better ways to hear those words…but it was icky and brutal and painful and while I’ve not talked about it here, while I’ve been ass deep in busy within my own self I haven’t really dealt with it FULLY. I’m better. He and I are shaky to ok on our way to being good. But THAT is what I’m doing with my head and my heart. I’m focused on not picking the scabs. Just watching the bruise turn from purple to yellow to eventually nothing.

So let’s keep our pom pom’s out kids! Pump up those jams! I love the support! I crave it and need it as a hooker needs KY.

It’s a GORGEOUS morning here. Picture perfect. I have my doors open for the cool breeze. Last night I busted out the cotton night gown and only slept with the sheet and summer quilt for the first time. Ceiling fans are a blowing. I’m not focused on the windows that won’t open, or the work that must be done, or the money I may or may not make today. I’m focused on my beautiful blessings. Each one of you. And if I know your face, or if you are randomly getting to the Circus because you googled George Clooney Pictures…thank you. Grab a cup of coffee. Give your animals some extra loving. Give your kids a hug and a kiss. It all just goes so fast…right?

So yeah, the go between stuff is done. I think the guys have taken it upon themselves to do this and were bouncing ideas, thoughts, and venting sessions off of me. So be it. They are good guys. It all shakes out in the end.

Slow frakkin day today at work. I mean, SO SLOW. and it was GORGEOUS outside to boot. The Arts Fest is going on, but I have to say I prolly won’t make it down there. I’m cash poor this week, so need to save save save my pennies. Besides, I’m just kinda wanting to be at home. Getting things organzied, projects to do and finish, the yard to deal with. Just kinda wanting to do that.

It seems as if everywhere I turn this week I’m getting the “don’t worry he’s out there” thing. or the “are you really out there” thing. or the “you just have to quit looking and he’ll show up” thing. Clients, almost every one of them the last few weeks. I guess I need to check my horoscope or some such. And everyone here, as well. And it’s good, and I love the support.

here’s the deal. I know all of this. I get it loud and clear and it’s really easy to say things like that when one has already found what they weren’t looking for. But I’m good. I’m really really good with life right now. Still social as ever. Finally getting caught up on things at my home that I’ve wanted. Reconnected with friends and reconnected with even older acquaintences that live in the future. I’m still really kind of bandaging up from the rejection that happened last month. That kind of stuff takes awhile before it scabs over. But the conversations I’m having via email with people, and being fun and laughing…all help. I’m as “out there” as I can possibly be without laying buck naked in the middle of Broadway Extension. As much as I can possibly be. I am as hopefull as I can possibly be. And the thing is…if there ISN’T a He around the corner?

I’m still valid.

and I still will hate folding laundry. and I still will overspend on weekends because I want everyone to have a good time. and I still will trip over the cats in the morning because I must have coffee. and I still will miss my tribe, scattered from one coast to the next because I want everyone to live in the same zip code. and I will still pine for what I can’t have i.e. Jennifer Anniston’s hair. Kate Winslet’s body. George Clooney.

so finding or not finding SuperDude isn’t going to alter my being all that much. and I’m ok with that.

it was a rock star weekend. my first free one in weeks! I sang Jackson at karaoke with Joe, hung with Shane two nights, had coffee with the redhead, got some serious facetime in with MGirl and the rest of the tribe. ALMOST saw Gert, Numskullery and Elephantsoap…next time ya’ll…next time.

so yesterday my computer,my iBook, went to the great iBook farm in the sky. Pretty sure. so I hooked up my new/old PC from the bookshop, and Joe came over and made things move faster and smarter and I’ve been trying to remember passwords and code names and ridiculous things that my brain, after this weekend, should never have to remember.

I had a great time. With friends new and old. Funny thing though…I’ve become the patron saint of the love life for the girl that….what did she do? oh yeah. she smooth out threw me under the bus and went out with that last guy who’s name I will not type here. GAH. OtherGirl was what we began to call her. And in hindsight…what with the whole confessional with him last month and picking the scabs,and the surviving and the band aids that come in the same flavor of hair color…well…things have been ok. Civil. and even better.

Because I chose.
I chose to just be friends with her.
it’s a small town, this one that capitalizes The Plains.
and we revolve around the same group and will eventually work in and breathe the same air. So…whatever. Bless it and let it go.

and now…NOW I’ve got guys calling out of the fucking wood work.

about her.

what should I do.
when should I call.
that really pissed me off. does she? doesn’t she?

and the thing is, I enjoy and really like the guys. and parts of OtherGirl, I enjoy as well. I was honest as shit about her shady side with one of the fellows and he seems to feel that attractive.

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG.

how it it people?
how IS IT?
she’s this ok looking, decent body, better personality, yet SHADY. SLIM SHADY…SHADY kinda girl. and she’s batting them off with a fucking fly swatter.

and I’m not pining over the guys that are fawning. Not at all. I’m merely observing and continiously amazed that these girls GET THE GUYS!!!

crazy…party of one, your table is now ready.

I don’t get it.

we all have crazy. that’s a given. It’s what it is…till it isn’t. . . heh. then it’s something else. profound, I know. but seriously, fellas. The three of you that read here at the Circus…WHAT IN THE FUCKING ASS FUCK IS THE THRILL????

so somehow I’ve become the touchstone. The bitching post about her. call me. text me. unload. I’ll advise and send you about your business with a wishbone and the pink parts of a live chicken. good luck to ya. I mean, really, we all want it to happen, right? We do. but fuck around. why do I have to make it happen FOR HER????

what’s next.

my life has been good here at the Circus. I’ve been emailing with a friend who lives in the future. That’s been enlightening and fun. I’ve been getting used to a PC as opposed to a Mac. That’s been wonky. I’ve been rearranging my furniture and hanging up all my clothes. The cats are happy with the weather. Stormy Soprano is eating off all the matts out of his fur. Ok. Live continues.

Now that my computer situation is more stabalized, I’ll be back. I’m not boycotting. Just been otherwise unavailable for consultation.

Friday finally…
but we have to get to work early. 8:30 for our “book club” meeting. You remember we’re reading that book, salon wide, and then having meetings to discuss. I’m behind on my reading but it goes fast. I’m going to shove it into my brain here in a minute. or two.

M’Lynn got news yesterday. Her mom has been moved to hospice. She and a friend drove out to Corn America last night, her brother is expected to come today. This…while expected…sucks. Keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers, and I’ll keep you posted.

Going to karaoke with friends tonight. First Friday I’ve had free in about eight weeks! Of course, it’s a school night so nothing crazy but I am excited. Tomorrow night we head to BatShitCrazytown for some slurry and some facetime with Gert. Ahhhh the weekend…

First though, she has to get through that Spice Test! GAK. Good thoughts sister. just keep sniffing just keep sniffing just keep sniffing!

What’s on your plate this weekend? Anything fun and good? It’s rainy here, so that makes me want to be lazy, however part of me wants to work in the yard a bit, look at lawnmowers to buy, rearrange my furniture in the living room…we’ll see what happens!

Happy Friday!

Thirsty for coffee this morning, I’ll tell ya that much. I’m tired. Still. tired. today is another 10 or so hour day. Gak. But whatever. I’ve been off work so much for the play, I need to make up for it. Hopefully I’ll be busy.

Yesterday brought on a bit of the blues. Around 3pm I started thinking, I don’t have anything to do tonight. But by then I was so over the day, still had three clients left, knew I wasn’t leaving till 8pm and was just OVER IT. Came home, ate some frozen dinner and went to bed. I want to get some stuff done around here, but by the time I get home, I’m just worn out. flop. maybe this weekend. . . maybe I’ll start by making a list. Lists usually help.

Has anyone seen the trailer for the new Star Trek movie??? I’m SUPER excited. it looks so good. there’s several movies out that i want to see. Adventureland. Sunshine Cleaning, or something like that.

Went to see McCrackin yesterday after I got outta class. OY VEY with the crackin already. I need some more, but have to wait till next week. Also, can’t go do this thing for that movie I auditioned for because I’m working tonight. They are doing a table read of the entire script for re-writes and such…I have GOT to get my online stuff together, headshots, resume, bundle that together so I can submit for things like this…gak. that’s on my list of things to do.

Ok. again, I’m boring the hell out of myself. bla bla bla fishcakes.

Class this morning. Every month we have salon-wide education. I want to learn a new haircut today that i can make a ton of money on this week! My first client is my new sweet sweet queen who want’s something different including color today. I feel less than zero in the creative department. I’m flop. Send me some good joo joo. I’m out.

So, comedy monday night was BRILLIANT!! Oklahoma Indie Now filmed for future publication on the tv and the internet. Joe did the on air hosting and interviews. I was twisting off with the best of them and for some reason had to sign a release form so I guess I made it on camera too…I will post the link and let you know when it airs!

Yesterday was slow at work. I’ve had two of my steady clients kind of go away, and I”m worried about that. I wonder if they are ok, if they are coming back. As usual I wonder if I did something to hurt their feelings or make them mad…gak. Anyways, today is the last day in the pay period and I need to make some money. hopefully everyone shows up and we’ll bang some hair today.

Last night I went over to Collin’s to watch some American Idol and eat some greasy pizza. Great night of hanging out and relaxing. Laughs abound.

I’m going to close. I’ve sufficiently bored the crap out of myself with this post. I cannot imagine what I’ve done to you.

It was a quick trip to Arkansas to visit the Wonderfamily. Wonderbaby turned a whoppin ONE and he had a grand day full of cake and family and fun. Alphabet Train by Vtech is a GREAT GIFT if anyone is lookin for one…it was a big hit. I was even impressed. Very smart these toys!

Had an uneventful drive home, immediatly took a nap. Gotta rest up before Comedy tonight! I’m SUPER excited for this installment. More details after the event.

So, what with Easter being on Sunday, I’m not having myself some carbonated beverages. I drank a Sprite Zero, Diet Coke and another Diet Coke on my trip yesterday. THE WORST HEADACHE IN MY LIFE!!! I went back to the tea for the drive home. sigh. Moderation…eh.

Hope your Monday was great and fabulous and kicked off your week with a . . . kick! I’m off to the shower and to watch myself some funny guys standing up!

Easter Sunday, ya’ll!

is it a day of reflection for you? of celebration and thanks? or a day of gathering with family and friends and deviled eggs? is it a day when you get out and grocery shop and run your errands while the rest of the world is at church? is it finally the day you break out the white shoes and clothes? (sorry Tim Gunnn. Just canna do it before!) is it officially spring for you and time to plant beautiful flowers and enjoy?

For a lot of us here at the Circus…it’s a new beginning. For yours truly, the last eight weeks or so have been amazing, creative, and really quite powerful. Creatively, to be back on stage in a full run for the first time in six years has been amazing. scary. difficult. scary. fulfilling. worthwhile… Personally the time has been explosive and expansive. I lost a dream…but gained a Collin! checks and balances. And let me tell ya, that while it’s not an over and under kind of thing…(the best way to get over one man is to get under another) it is a beautiful fit and the hole in my heart is healing. Whole Hearted instead of Hole Hearted. that’s a nice thing to feel…

We closed the show last night. I hate goodbyes. Really of any kind. After strike, which really wasn’t too terrible, I gave Collin a haircut that was NOT circa 1964. then we all said our goodbyes. At the last minute I joined the rest of the crew at the ihop for some LAST late night food. Then home to reflect and unwind. My back is janked so…well I just feel it today. all of it. and I overslept for the 9:30 service so get a bit of a break till the 10:45. I’m leaving for Arkansas directly after so this gives me time to get stuff gathered and get the car full of gas bla bla bla. I’m busy until Tuesday. I wonder if I’ll get the postpartum? I wonder if now that I have time back on my side, if the explosion and expansion I spoke of will crash into me…in a less romantic Dave Matthews kind of way…I feel like with this play that I’ve purged all of my bleagh, like scene six was the cleansing…I wonder what’s leftover in there?
Guess we’ll see.

Gert flew home for working this weekend. I saw her about an hour yesterday when I cut her hair. She’s in the vast vast vast middle of her new life. Week one of chef’s school, of dealing with Mr Big BlahBlah and the fall out of all that at the war bar. She’s working next weekend, so I will be sitting in front of her Saturday night. fo sho.

Joe’s movie got pushed another week, however he garnered a new gig in FRONT of the camera. Details after Monday night comedy!

Change is a bitch, eh? but for the love of Petey Fisk, I’m so glad I’m not the woman I was two years ago. I’m ok with that change. Are you? Are you excited for spring arriving? for what the year holds? I always feel like Easter is The Official Beginning. And not because I can go get myself a big ass sprite zero from sonic because I just started observing Lent last year, but it’s just the door that opens from the gray to the technicolor…welcome back pretty. welcome back.

This play has opened my eyes to the brevity of it all. . . and how it all seems eternal. It was the motivation of my revelation last month, it’s the motivation for this now. I love you.

I love you. I am happy to know you, happy that you are here with me, reading my drivil and wondering if I’ll ever get my shit together. yeah. me too! But the thing is…well…

I love you.

Happy Easter.
Happy White Shoes.
Happy Carbonated Beverages!!!

Welcome back pretty…welcome back.

The last crazy week begins. Shows tonight, tomorrow and Saturday. Strike Saturday night. Easter church Sunday. Drive to Arkansas after I get out, for Wonderbaby’s first birthday. Home Monday. Comedy Monday night that is being filmed for a new OK showcase group, and will be guest hosted by none other than our very own Joe Banks! Halakaleem!!!

I’ve got houseguests tonight in for the show, Dad is coming, which means I need to be running the Dyson and putting up that clean laundry on the love seat over there instead of typing this. GAK!.

I am busy today at work. Hopefully. The last two days, I’ve had color booked by mistake and it turned out to only be cuts. Not that big of a deal in the long run, but annoying nonetheless. So hopefully today will be as is.

Lots going on everywhere! What’s up with you?

All I have accomplished today is groceries. I have not been to the store for anything other than cat food and toilet paper, in close to 9 weeks. I’ve eaten out every single meal, or just not eaten. Right now, I’ve got some Panko chicken baking along with some roasted veggies roasting. My body will implode the minute the vegetable passes my lips!

I slept so good today. Do you ever have those days where you are just so tired, and you know there is nothing terribly pressing you MUST DO, yet you can’t rest for the voices in your head nagging at you? Determined to let you rest…but with a helping of guilt underneath the covers…Usually that’s me. Unless I medicate…there’s a lot of voices and nagging and guilt of things that need to, should have, gotta gotta gotta…but not today.

I think the way to overcome the voices is to get to tired to hear the bastards!

So anyways, slept on the couch, cats too. we all napped. I finally rolled into the light of day and went outside to begin my trip to the grocery, when I immmediatly locked myself out of my house. keys inside. Luckily, my cell phone is permanantly glued to my hand so I called 911MGirl, and she saved my butt. AGAIN!. I went to a different grocery store, thinking it was going to be much cheaper. And while yes, the produce and some things were, I wasn’t that impressed. I did like that they have a live butcher. Those are hard to come by these days. Everything is prepackaged. anyways, they didn’t have hardly ANY generic, or store branded items. That’s the way I shop for lots of stuff. cheaper. same quality…anyways, I loaded the pantry and the fridge and I’m excited. Started a load of laundry, and now I’m going to move over to the couch and watch a movie on demand. I deserve it dang it.

Oh, my new friend Biem and I watched Hamlet 2 this week. Anyone? Anyone? we were both super tired from our morning matinee, so we kind of missed the first half. but i thought it was hysterical. I loved it! Anyways…there’s several on there that I haven’t seen. Pineapple Express. Baghead, Bottle Shock, Frozen River, Milk, Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist, Vicky Cristiana barcelona, W….what shall it be? any thoughts???