Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.
Five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear. . .

Yep.
It’s been a year. One year since I said, “when.”

And you know what? I’d been looking to this day since June-ish. July-ish. and all of a sudden sitting with my besty and my pseudo sister having an ice cold fish bowl of beer to wash away the bat shit crazy day….I remembered!!! It wasn’t first in my head. It wasn’t even four hundredth! It happened around 7pm! DING!!!!.

Fuck around. It was a year ago today. and a year ago tomorrow. DIONS BIRTHDAY I wrote this….this.

This is why we make documentation, yes? So that we may go back and weep for the women/men that we were. Bless us. Bless them.

I sat with my girlfriends tonight, and made plans with my soulmate for tomorrow and I looked back at my year. Then I came home and read my year. and I look at MY HOUSE. and yes…with tears in my eyes I give thanks.

to you.
to my family who now reads.
to my new friends who have come to know me and hopefully love me.
and to myself….for believing every single thing my family and parents and grandparents ever said to me that consisted of this:

“you can do anything you want”

plain and simple.

anything.

and to their surprise and shock…have seemed to do just that.

and this road has taken me far and away and back again. To and fro and apart and right here. The path has been different…but I’ve always been that way. It’s been a little funky…but my tune has never been in sync. I have gathered my people along the path…and disposed equally of those unable to complete the journey. No harm. No foul. It is what it is.

AND FUCKIN’A HOW’D YA LIKE ME NOW!!!!

point is…it’s been a year. and No. no dates (save one.) and no men. and no slumber parties. and many stories. and many promises and many goals along the way…

here’s to another five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes….

may they all be filled with joy and bliss…

God knows that’s still what I’m following!

Oh man oh man. Have you all read Gert’s last two posts??? Go. Now. Go and read and imagine the roller coaster she’s been on the last seventy two or so hours…oy vey. Here’s to her today, though as the Only Woman Standing. I’m raising my cuppa java to you sis!! Halakaleem!! Robert Plant music is blairing and what the hell, let’s go ahead and eat the dark chocolate candy anyway!!!

It’s been a kind of a funky week over in my world. (ps. we need a name for my house. put your thinking caps on and let’s have a contest. that probably requires a proper post and I’ll get to it later!) Had some kind of weirdness with a friend but it seems to, like teenage acne, cleared itself up. Still left with the funky feeling though.

Nothing a good paycheck can’t erase! Huzzuah for payday! I made the 65% commission, though with all of my cancellations this last week I have no idea how. My Paycheck Angel was working overtime and bless her heart for doing it. She get’s an Atta Girl! Now, tonight it all goes to bills, but I have reached the point that frankly, when I can pay everything I’m happy. My savings has dwindled down to bits and that is my next target. And the tips have been going into a drawer for the NYC trip which is looming six weeks away.

GIRLS!! SIX WEEKS AWAY!!!!! MGirl and Mandrea are jumping out of their skin with excitement. We are going to have a grand time. No large group to deal with, no crazy picky eaters who try to push their roommates to the edge of sanity, none of that!!! I need to start thinking about what shows to see….I still want to see Spring Awakening as I didn’t get it last year. I know you’ve both seen it so I won’t ask you to spend the $$ to go with me. I know Chrome wants me to see Xanadu and I’m all in for that, but here’s my deal. Isn’t Whoopie in it? Are the tickets up due to that? I’ve seen her before and don’t feel the need to pay more $ to see her again, but if they are the same price, I’m all in for it. Any other suggestions? maybe a play? I dunno. I know the other girls want to shop shop shop. H&M will never be the same.

Today I get to go back to the gym and work off last weeks gain, and lose an additional to get me back on track for NYC goal. I hate that $$ makes a difference especially when I get the “friend” discount and only have to pay 27 dollars a month!! But hey. it is what it is and there ya go.

Weekend plans anyone? I’m going to try to get some facetime with B and Scottyringo. And any of my other friends that I can manage. In the back of my head I’m also working on a USAO gathering and the beginnings of my reunion that is set to explode next year. I am a class officer and that job usually falls on officer’s shoulders, however I didn’t live here ten years ago for the first one. touring days don’t ya know. so I just sent my money and showed up for the party. However, I kind of feel like something needs to start rumbling around about this…I’m excited. Not about the number of years gone by, but about getting together. I had just the best best best time at the last one. Seriously. It was great. So I’m one of the dorks that get excited about the next one!!! Oh well. That’s me. Anyways….Sunday I think I’m going to hit the early movie with Nan and M’Lynn for the X-Files. I remember watching in Saginaw with Clemo. “non arc episodes” would just piss us off!!! (like I knew from arc or non arc. I just played along to impress everyone. and frankly, got into it too!) Then Sunday night is the first game of preseason football starring my Indianapolis Colts!!! Wahoooooo. Also on the table as a possibility is a comedy roast for one of my new friends who is moving to NYC. He works here, for our bombing memorial, and got a job there with the 9/11 memorial. He’s leaving in like…five minutes. So his comedy friends are roasting him and I may try to get there for that too….whew. I’m tired.

Re-wind….What are you going to do this weekend, kids? Happy Friday!! Halakaleem and Huzzuah and I love George Clooney!

So….apparently a weekend chock full of Eischen’s nachos, okra, chicken, and beer as well as a Purple Pool full of chips and dip, hot wings and hot and ready pizza, washed down by gin and maybe some beer…..maybe…quite possibly…that combined with the fact that I’m flat busted (and broke too! ba dum ba!!!) and couldn’t work out at the gym until I pay up tomorrow…maybe that could probably sorta kind be the reasons I gained one point four today.

but I could be wrong.

maybe I’m just bloated.

It was a night for staying young and growing up…I won’t say anymore about that until Gert delves into the details. Suffice it to say….we’re both heading to Neverland.

I watched it actually, tonight. Finding Neverland. I’d missed it when it was new, actually Ex-Him had no interest therefore it didn’t happen in the theatre then bla bla bla fishcakes. Life goes on.

anyhoo, I netflixed it and finally, FINALLY after about a month of having it, got around to watching.

Brilliant.

Johnny Depp….he had me at 21 Jump Street, kids and hasn’t let go since.

I did the ugly cry. the hu-h-uh-hu-uh trying to get your breath, snork some air thru your completely clogged nose holes…ugh. Thank GOD the reality show hasn’t kicked in yet, because it was the UG-LEE cry.

so, now Ive got that just cried, cleansed feeling that Holly Hunter got in Broadcast News…time for the bed.

One day closer to payday. I have to weigh in tomorrow and fear the lack of moving my ass at the gym will show it. But I did ok foodwise the last few days, in spite of the weekend so we’ll see. If my day holds up (and do whatever sacrificing rituals you all do to make sure it does) I’m on target to make 65%. Seven dollars over actually.

I’m being watched out for, I know that. I just have to figure out how to be grown up about it when I get it. stupid money.

no, I’m ending on a happy note! I love you. I love Johnny Depp. and I am so excited for September and the premiere of Burn After Reading starring my beloved George Clooney, that I could just spit!

just holding my breath until payday.
why
why
why
am I so ridiculous????

thankfully, my paychecks are holding out and providing. that isn’t an accident. I know it’s not.

I have GOT to get better about my extra curricular spending habits.

GOT TO!!!

have a great Humping Day.

I would be going to the gym, alas, must wait until the payday to renew for the month.

agh.

last night i came home and delved into boxes yet unseen.
interesting.
Gert journals.
journals have always been a big fat reminder of what I don’t do. Regularly. or well.

So….the keeping of the girl who begat the girl who begat the woman who begat the woman who begat the woman who begat moi……lost in space, frankly.

not really though.

I write.
Long before I blogged, I wrote. I wrote papers upon papers upon journals upon books upon plays upon monologues. Long before anyone laid claim to said genres…I wrote.

and the point to the title of this post is I DID!! I wrote a song. and I can remember singing it on my balcony with Dion…and did he–perhaps–help with the words or just work out the tune? I don’t recall. But hey…quite frankly–thhe song is sappy but doesn’t quite suck 12 inch dicks in the Batcave.
not quite…

I just didn’t tell or show. mostly because I think I sound like a whiney psychotic crazy fathead who needs a sandwich (clearly not the case) and a valium.

whatever.

my point, and I do have one, is this:

I went through some boxes last night. Found some writings. Monologues used for work,for auditions. One act plays. words formed onto a piece of paper.

all of which could be conducive to the thing I feel I’m on the precipice with….the thing, or act, or movement, or piece or WHAT THE FUCK EVER that I am supposed to birth….

I feel the connection.

I think I need of find the person to help me connect it. . . talked that point out a bit today at purple pool. I think maybe I am supposed to find someone to confide all the crazy talk into…and that may be the person to help me write and birth this whatever….????

or maybe I should have just come home from purple pool about two hours earlier?????

awwwwwwwwwwwww. that’s just stoo-pid.

Had a great night tonight. Got off work early today, came home and declared war on the houseflys in my home. First, I got out the bleach spray. Then I got out the Dyson. They never had a chance.
fuckers.
bleagh.
Seriously folks, it’s gross. And all of my clients I ask or tell about this claim to have the same problem. But here’s the deal. I don’t believe them. For some reason, I believe it’s something I have done wrong that is causing me this strife. So….I kicked their ass. collectively.

bleagh. again.

Then I got myself cleaned up and drove about 40 minutes outside of town
and ate the BEST FRIED CHICKEN AND FRIED OKRA AND OH WAIT SOME CHILI CHEESE NACHOS FOR APPETISERS and drank the coldest beer in the county and laughed until the gas bubbles in my stomach erupted!!! Oh. My God. It was fun. Me and my pseudo sisters #2 and #3 plus two clients of #2 that we’ve hung out with before an a friend of theirs.

This friend was a fella. Boy. Single. hmmmmmmmmm…..

ok.

is this a “set up” or a “looksee” or a regular ole invite for chicken? I have no clue and frankly no cares. I’m all about the company and the environment and by the way it’s my Friday night so fuck off. bring me a beer.

We laughed our way through the cardiac arrest that was before us, greasy and on wax paper pieces for plates. (it’s a brilliant gastronomic event) and we’re cracking the wise and making the funny and yes. Do you know me?? I can be loud. My laugh is….variable sometimes but when it is true and raw and from my womb…it’s loud.

So I’m chiming in with the funny, and because you all know me you know I trend towards the bawdy and this guy makes the statement that “there’s a line and you crossed it way over there. Also, yes she’s funny but that table right over there knows she is funny too.”

now, don’t paint half your face blue and get out the sword, it wasn’t like that. Just some sidebar comments. But it became clear, the more he made eye contact with me, the more that night wore on….I’m just too…..much? loud? raunchy?

just too…

I wrote a piece this week about being too…. It was in my current reading material and I ripped it out of the redhead’s hands when I inadvertantly handed it over to him. Not ready for public consumption. But I understand that I am too…
loud.
much.
ridiculous.
bawdy.
contridictory.
complicated.
risky.

Just too…

but I guess I only saw that in my head…never in someone else’s eyes before.

and I’m not climbing on the cross that says SINGLE at the top in ancient writings. No. Not that at all. Merely stating an observation of the night.

It all goes back to one of the first pieces that I wrote and actually performed for auditions…the final line reading:

“…he’s just not ready for my brilliance.”

lost this half of a watermelon today. yep. sure the hell did. and then proceeded to have one shitty ass day of no-shows and cancellations and re-schedules. bleagh. It was only right that I soothe my soul with much needed conversation with M’Lynn over some gin and tonic and nachos. yes yes indeed.

so, it was good. and by good, I mean GOOOOOOOOOOOD. Seriously great conversation. Life is ridiculous right now. The whole precipice thing…..she see’s it too. for me. weird and right at the same time. so the words flowed and the drinks slowed and the tears came right directly after the laughter.

Perfect.

and the Speakeasy????? quite possibly my favorite place on earth. other than a stoop in Astoria, a porch in El Reno, a corner in Brooklyn, an apartment on 63rd, a balcony in Florida, a yard in Bismark, and the front steps of 1618 Andover Court.

Went over to Mandrea’s new apartment last night and help decorate. Apparently I have a little of my mom in me after all, or I was channeling her! We got it looking nice and comfy and homey in no time then sat around and laughed and laughed and ate a fruit chiller! have you tried this? it comes in liquid form at the grocery then you freeze it and it turns into this (in mandrea’s words) “this ice cream gel kind of stuff” Bleagh. She lost me at gel.

Turns out…the french word for gel is Sorbet. and it’s 3points for the whole little container and it’s cold and sweet and delish.

Home to pick up more of my clutter which is pretty much done but for the office which remains a disaster zone then to bed. Today is a long day, and it includes weigh in. Chrome and I have been really trying to be supportive in this effort. She however is kicking ass and I am it seems, lacking the cheerleadering gene. Sis, I promise to be better this week. Seriously.

love and light people. keep faith.

Had a beautiful conversation with Gert last night. Face time. After all this time. We covered many topics, but mostly discovered that the changes and emotions and layers that we are uncovering within ourselves, is happening to both of us. At the same time. And as our words spilled out and slid over and overlapped into another memory, it became real. Valid. Things have always been clear for both of us, especially on certain topics, yet until we get to lay them on the table they kind of float around in the air, not solid, not nailed down and real. It’s one of the greatest things. In the history of ever, to feel such validation from someone who knows your heart.

I was told yesterday that someone was blessed to have me around. It is a grand compliment, and it’s a new relationship so I don’t really know how to take it. However, to be blessed…truly into your heart and bone marrow blessed by a friend is, I believe a bit of heaven on earth. And I am.

Life is rolling around and inside me this week. I feel as if I’m on a precipice…something is coming…discovery. I can feel it. It’s manifesting itself in different areas…I’ve been writing for the first time in years, feeling compelled to get words on paper…feeling 100% of everything in any given moment as if all of my nerves were laid bare…spontanious tears and delicious laughter too…renewal maybe.
Just maybe.
life begins.
again.

I wanted to post a youtube song here, but for some reason, my computer doesn’t want me to. So you. go. Youtube this: billy bragg i keep the faith.

listen.
it’s my theme right now.
myspacers, it’s also my song on my homepage.

and above all, have a great day!!! i’m taking my fat ass to the gym. THERE’s a place for some rebirth!!