So.

Thru the wonder of Facebook, I’ve reconnected with many friends from high school. One of which was my good friend Delbert’s boyfriend. We all hung out together a lot, me and mine, them. Good times. Fast forward twenty years and the man is now a Crackin Doc!

I’ve had some pretty serious back issues since the last of August. It’s just always there, but has gotten worse to the point of waking me up at night. Gah. Just kind of figured it was being out of shape, working/standing in the wrong shoes, weight, could be delt with with some yoga and vitamins, muscle relaxers, whatever.

Whatever.
famous last words.

The pain is in my lower left hand side of my back/hip area. Turns out, thru the wonders of Dr. McCrackin, that my hips are completely rotated out of alignment and oh! wait for it! TWO PINCHED NERVES!

Bright side is, it’s not old age that’s kickin my ass. My ass is actually crooked! We’ve worked out a deal money-wise and I’ve paid on my credit card (I know. I KNOW. fuck.)But after today’s appointment, I’m already feeling…better. I think it’s always a little worse before it’s really better but at least I’m on my way, eh?

Tonight is dinner with another friend from hs. I’m so excited to see her, to catch up on life. Good times.

Ok…just wanted to let you know that I’m not a crazy hypochondriac.

Yesterday was a great day. The weather here was the very definition of perfect. NOVEMBER! We’ve all been loving it. I slept in, (LOVE THAT EXTRA HOUR!) felt good about it, got up and started picking up the house, doing the laundry, I picked up, out of my living room floor, SEVEN PAIRS OF SHOES, from throughout the week. GAH. So I’ve been living in a bit of chaos, and my weekend goals were to rid myself of it.

I left the house mid-afternoon to head down to the Ghetto Mall with MGirl and hit the Steve & Berry’s down there for some cheap clothing. The Dillards is going away too, so everything there was almost free. I got some nice things. Pair of jeans that won’t fall off, few tops. I got three turtle necks, soft soft bits of color, for when it turns cold.

This mall used to be THE PLACE to shop in OKC. It’s where I grew up going to shop. Over the last twenty or so odd years, it’s gone 8 Mile. Pretty sketchy. But walking in there, I had the most surreal of dejavu’s. My brain was remembering it, but having problems diffirentiating it from reality or some movie I’d seen over and over. Truly weird. Anyways, we wandered around laughing at all the mall shops that we hadn’t seen in eons. Orange Julius. 5-7-9. several of the formal dress shops were still there, and I’m not even kidding the merchandise is EXACTLY THE SAME AS IT WAS TWENTY YEARS AGO. Freaky deaky.

We ventured into Victoria’s Secret just because and I had a breakthru. I have always been vocal to the fact that I am the last woman on earth to switch to thong underwear. Well kids. I’m a big girl now. Remember when I said I’m going back to the part of me that was a little wild and crazy and not so closed off and locked down? Apparently panties are the key to that. I was in the back having a pretty vocal talk between the good Zelda and the bad Zelda and while I think it frightened the sales girl, BZ won and voila.

ps. they aren’t bad at all. in fact, I’m kind of liking it.

In other Circus news, Stormy Soprano is on a walk-about. I’m trying not to get freaked out but I haven’t seen him since Friday night, late. He survived Halloween, because I didn’t go to bed till 1 am on Friday, and saw him then. None of my cats will keep a collar on, they roll them the minute I put them around their damned necks. I’m going to get flea collars today and maybe they will keep them on, but Stormy….say a little prayer.

Today is full of errands, deposit paycheck, pay bills online, go to chiropractor, clean out car, put up new stuff from car, finish laundry, hit grocery store for a few bits, fill up with gas, dinner with an old high school friend, comedy tonight then home.

WE GET TO VOTE TOMORROW!!!!!

Bring it on.

Have a great day ya’ll. What’s on your plate? How’s the week looking for you? Have you seen Joe’s new look? verra swanky. Go give him some love, his car imploded last night so today he’s dealing with the bank.

Ahhhhhh.
So THAT’S what a Saturday off feels like with nowhere to go and nothing really to do!!!

Mgirl and I traveled to the Burbs today to celebrate the first year of a boy, eat some delicious fake cheese and real slaw’d coneys, drink cold beer and watch some football with friends.

It.
Was.
A.
GOOD.
Day.

and the few hours I worked were full. AND while today was payday and I left work before the checks were ready, I MADE SIXTY FIVE PERCENT COMMISSION!!!!!!

Blessed are the peacemakers.

and the ones who are thankful for their blessings…

November First! We’ll forgo all the “can you believe it? Where did October go” stuff and just dive right in. NaBloPoMo beings today!!!

THAT in itself is crazy to me. Last year, I tried. I had never done this before, and wanted to join the cool kids who had been playing for awhile. Looking back…November of 07 was a hard one for me. Chocked full of lessons yet to learn, lessons that had to be re-learned, lot’s of dirty martini’s, rescues made by true friends, topped off with outage from the internet that booted me from the daily posting.

I’ve said it many times over the last year and a half, but it bears repeating.

Oh what a difference a year makes.

It’s been a week over here at the circus. If you’ve been reading, you know the terminal ferris wheel I’ve been on. If you’ve been commenting, bless you. If you’ve been lurking, I know you were here. I have sitemeter! Anyways…I’ve stopped the ride. I got off. Walking on sunshine (cue music).

This week held a Sunday with friends and pizza, a Tuesday with M’Lynn and some words that fucked me up, a Thursday of embracing the wild side of myself that I’ve supressed lo these many years, a Friday that held another roundhouse kick outta nowhere from alleged friends and a rally cry from the tribe led by my rage. The day ended with Gert and myself on my porch, dissecting these relationships and ours and making connections and talking about MeMe. My glorious, glorious Meme, whom we both miss dearly, but feel so close to her, feel her guiding our lives, that we’re never too far away. Make sense? I just choked myself up with that a little.

sniff.
snork.

All of that to say this.

My life is FULL of love. FULL to the brim and running over with love. Faces painted half blue and swords at the ready, from state line to state line.

I pray everyday. More than once a day. It’s a continuous strain of mumble jumble at times. But within those prayers are always these words.

“Please send me somebody to love. Please make me open to being loved. Please make me ready for it when it comes.”

Starting today, I recognize that my prayers have been answered. Tenfold. I have been given love…no there’s not a man, a partner (He knows where your door is and hasn’t been banging it down to get to you, Zelda.) But there is love…

Happy Birthday Hudson.
Happy November (power month to Scorpios!)
Happy NaBloPoMo.

Start Posting!!!

I thank all of you for the words.
ALL. of you.
and I know who you are.

I don’t want to say anything.
to anybody.
anymore.
ever.

I’m good.
It was a false hope made on a faulty foundation.
So be it.

I am blessed. with many brilliant and vocal people in my life. I am blessed to have the things said to me that wouldn’t normally be said. I get it.

I’ve decided.

Nada.
Sayanora
See Ya
ciao

I’m out.

and i’m fine with all of it. I’m ok. I just want my mind and my life back. I just want to be the one in the driver’s seat. Bleagh.

and by the way…when I say Bleagh…that is the sound Snoopy makes when he tilts his head and sticks his tongue out.

just so you know.

Snoopy and I both wish you a Happy Halloween. with your HEADS UP GIRLS!! HEADS UP!!

bleagh.

There is a consensus on the table over here at the Circus…to tell him or not to tell him how I feel. I’ve come to the part in the movie where I decide, after lo these many months of cat and mouse, of mixed signals and missed windows, where I decide to walk away. Call the table closed, clap my hands and turn.

With each day in this reality, hovering in this reality, it gets easier. Do I feel any different towards him? No. Still in there. Solid. Substantial. But this one way street is awfully lonely, and frankly, to pull out the hold WHMS line, “You’re right. You’re right. I know you’re right.” I’m not a stupid woman. Foolish at times, but not stupid. Point is, he knows where my front door is, and not once in these ten months of pining has he been knocking it down to get to me. That is the most clear of all signs.

However, over dinner I was given this little nugget.

“tell him. tell him how you feel. don’t look back, feeling like a young girl at 75 and say, I wish I would have told him. I wish when I was a young girl at 61, I would have told him. So what if you’re scared. Of what? losing him? a friend? a client? so what. You’ve been chasing after this long and hard and you need to tell him.”

after more than four cocktails it seemed the most brilliant and logical choice. In the dawn’s early light it made me vomit a little. I was in for it yesterday, mulling the words around in my head, having the silent conversations with the voices, playing out the scenarios. My client’s thought I was nuckin futs. whatever. Today…eh. I’m far enough on this side of it to think about sweeping it under the rug and hiding under my bed.

So I ask you. Have you ever had this happen? Have you ever had someone tell you how they felt, though you felt the opposite? Have you ever had a full blown confession? How did it pan out? And most importantly…do you think I should tell him? Do you think I’ll lose the friendship? Damage it, certainly, but lose it? I know that at the end of the day, the decision is mine. And given any number of happenings during this day my decision could be made easier or more difficult. . . but I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Leap and the net will appear.
I’ve tried to always live by this quote.
This whole experience in itself has shaken my foundation on that quote. made me realize, maybe I’m all talk and very little walk.

I want to walk again.

and if it’s a solo dance on a one way street…so be it. at least I’ll be up off of this chair.

All of it. That was the theme for dinner with M’Lynn last night. We’ll have all of it. drink all of it. eat all of it. stay for all of it.

Brilliant evening. Cosmos bright pink. Gin nice and cold. Steak perfectly medium rare, layers of potatoes with cream cheese, green beans that were just this side of raw. crunchy and bueno. We were gifted a free desert that was mascarpone cheese something around some sorbet topped with fresh berries with seeds. M’Lynn enjoys a seed filled berry, in case you didn’t know.

We laughed. We cried. We got home around 10:30. Great night.

I don’t have to work till noon today, and my first appointment isn’t until around 4, so I’m being lazy this morning. All is well here, the heat’s still on, the cats are still asleep. I’m waiting patiently for season three of weeds to arrive at my mailbox and that’s pretty much it!

Happy Birthday to my dear NAN today!! Here’s to another spectacular year! All. Of. It.

Whew it’s chilly kids! Chilly chilly chilly. Luckily enough Marco the Great got the heat working via a shiny new thermalcouple and two trips to my house yesterday. We’re all snug as a bug in a rug and having a hard time getting up and getting the day started!!

I’m ready for the week. Time to make some money. Yesterday consisted of me, the couch, Ironman, Knocked Up, the last disc of season two of Weeds, more eps of new tv than I can count. Gah. Time to get up and get moving! But I needed a lazy day. The house was cleaned for the party, so I didn’t have a lot of guilt hanging around…nice.

Tonight I’m having dinner with M’Lynn. Haven’t really seen her since the night before I left for NYC, so we have mucho to catch up on. I have to also figure out if I’m dressing up or just wearing a witches hat to work on Friday for Halloween. I have very little interest in that but need to muster up something.

One week from today kids. Vote vote vote. I watched a retrospective on the Today show this morning…from the announcements of ALL the candidates to the last week it’s been a ride hasn’t it? Watched some eps of West Wing last night. It really doesn’t get any better than that, for me anyway.

Ok. I gotta hit the shower and find something black to wear to work. Have just the best day!

Damn.
Even when I get a really good sad/mad/sad on, combined with a reaaaaaaaaaaaly good drunk…can’t seem to hold onto it.

Huh.

Trying to feel any of it this morning. More anger. More sad…and maybe it’s there a little, but not nearly at the levels of yesterday.

Huh.

So ok. Whatever, right? Bless it and let it go. Motor on. Listen to some Shirley Q, relish in the friendships and love in my life, maybe go get a massage today and keep on keepin on.

maybe I just needed a day. (seriously, I wish you could see me sitting here, rolling my eyes from left to right searching for the sad/mad inside.)Huh.

So moving on. It’s freezing ass in my house. I tried to turn on the heat for a quick burst and nada. Guess the pilot light needs lit. Gonna get that working today. Just sent a text to Marco the Great so when the temps get to freezing tonight the livestock and I won’t!

How’s your Monday shaping up? I hope great and we’re gearing up for Halloween and the last freakin week of October. GERT! CHROME! Where the hell did your month go? Zrooooom! that fast eh. And holy hell…I have a birthday coming up. How does anyone local feel about going bowling then hitting Shady Pines or something? Any other ideas…please send them my way!