So….apparently a weekend chock full of Eischen’s nachos, okra, chicken, and beer as well as a Purple Pool full of chips and dip, hot wings and hot and ready pizza, washed down by gin and maybe some beer…..maybe…quite possibly…that combined with the fact that I’m flat busted (and broke too! ba dum ba!!!) and couldn’t work out at the gym until I pay up tomorrow…maybe that could probably sorta kind be the reasons I gained one point four today.

but I could be wrong.

maybe I’m just bloated.

It was a night for staying young and growing up…I won’t say anymore about that until Gert delves into the details. Suffice it to say….we’re both heading to Neverland.

I watched it actually, tonight. Finding Neverland. I’d missed it when it was new, actually Ex-Him had no interest therefore it didn’t happen in the theatre then bla bla bla fishcakes. Life goes on.

anyhoo, I netflixed it and finally, FINALLY after about a month of having it, got around to watching.

Brilliant.

Johnny Depp….he had me at 21 Jump Street, kids and hasn’t let go since.

I did the ugly cry. the hu-h-uh-hu-uh trying to get your breath, snork some air thru your completely clogged nose holes…ugh. Thank GOD the reality show hasn’t kicked in yet, because it was the UG-LEE cry.

so, now Ive got that just cried, cleansed feeling that Holly Hunter got in Broadcast News…time for the bed.

One day closer to payday. I have to weigh in tomorrow and fear the lack of moving my ass at the gym will show it. But I did ok foodwise the last few days, in spite of the weekend so we’ll see. If my day holds up (and do whatever sacrificing rituals you all do to make sure it does) I’m on target to make 65%. Seven dollars over actually.

I’m being watched out for, I know that. I just have to figure out how to be grown up about it when I get it. stupid money.

no, I’m ending on a happy note! I love you. I love Johnny Depp. and I am so excited for September and the premiere of Burn After Reading starring my beloved George Clooney, that I could just spit!

just holding my breath until payday.
why
why
why
am I so ridiculous????

thankfully, my paychecks are holding out and providing. that isn’t an accident. I know it’s not.

I have GOT to get better about my extra curricular spending habits.

GOT TO!!!

have a great Humping Day.

I would be going to the gym, alas, must wait until the payday to renew for the month.

agh.

last night i came home and delved into boxes yet unseen.
interesting.
Gert journals.
journals have always been a big fat reminder of what I don’t do. Regularly. or well.

So….the keeping of the girl who begat the girl who begat the woman who begat the woman who begat the woman who begat moi……lost in space, frankly.

not really though.

I write.
Long before I blogged, I wrote. I wrote papers upon papers upon journals upon books upon plays upon monologues. Long before anyone laid claim to said genres…I wrote.

and the point to the title of this post is I DID!! I wrote a song. and I can remember singing it on my balcony with Dion…and did he–perhaps–help with the words or just work out the tune? I don’t recall. But hey…quite frankly–thhe song is sappy but doesn’t quite suck 12 inch dicks in the Batcave.
not quite…

I just didn’t tell or show. mostly because I think I sound like a whiney psychotic crazy fathead who needs a sandwich (clearly not the case) and a valium.

whatever.

my point, and I do have one, is this:

I went through some boxes last night. Found some writings. Monologues used for work,for auditions. One act plays. words formed onto a piece of paper.

all of which could be conducive to the thing I feel I’m on the precipice with….the thing, or act, or movement, or piece or WHAT THE FUCK EVER that I am supposed to birth….

I feel the connection.

I think I need of find the person to help me connect it. . . talked that point out a bit today at purple pool. I think maybe I am supposed to find someone to confide all the crazy talk into…and that may be the person to help me write and birth this whatever….????

or maybe I should have just come home from purple pool about two hours earlier?????

awwwwwwwwwwwww. that’s just stoo-pid.

Had a great night tonight. Got off work early today, came home and declared war on the houseflys in my home. First, I got out the bleach spray. Then I got out the Dyson. They never had a chance.
fuckers.
bleagh.
Seriously folks, it’s gross. And all of my clients I ask or tell about this claim to have the same problem. But here’s the deal. I don’t believe them. For some reason, I believe it’s something I have done wrong that is causing me this strife. So….I kicked their ass. collectively.

bleagh. again.

Then I got myself cleaned up and drove about 40 minutes outside of town
and ate the BEST FRIED CHICKEN AND FRIED OKRA AND OH WAIT SOME CHILI CHEESE NACHOS FOR APPETISERS and drank the coldest beer in the county and laughed until the gas bubbles in my stomach erupted!!! Oh. My God. It was fun. Me and my pseudo sisters #2 and #3 plus two clients of #2 that we’ve hung out with before an a friend of theirs.

This friend was a fella. Boy. Single. hmmmmmmmmm…..

ok.

is this a “set up” or a “looksee” or a regular ole invite for chicken? I have no clue and frankly no cares. I’m all about the company and the environment and by the way it’s my Friday night so fuck off. bring me a beer.

We laughed our way through the cardiac arrest that was before us, greasy and on wax paper pieces for plates. (it’s a brilliant gastronomic event) and we’re cracking the wise and making the funny and yes. Do you know me?? I can be loud. My laugh is….variable sometimes but when it is true and raw and from my womb…it’s loud.

So I’m chiming in with the funny, and because you all know me you know I trend towards the bawdy and this guy makes the statement that “there’s a line and you crossed it way over there. Also, yes she’s funny but that table right over there knows she is funny too.”

now, don’t paint half your face blue and get out the sword, it wasn’t like that. Just some sidebar comments. But it became clear, the more he made eye contact with me, the more that night wore on….I’m just too…..much? loud? raunchy?

just too…

I wrote a piece this week about being too…. It was in my current reading material and I ripped it out of the redhead’s hands when I inadvertantly handed it over to him. Not ready for public consumption. But I understand that I am too…
loud.
much.
ridiculous.
bawdy.
contridictory.
complicated.
risky.

Just too…

but I guess I only saw that in my head…never in someone else’s eyes before.

and I’m not climbing on the cross that says SINGLE at the top in ancient writings. No. Not that at all. Merely stating an observation of the night.

It all goes back to one of the first pieces that I wrote and actually performed for auditions…the final line reading:

“…he’s just not ready for my brilliance.”

lost this half of a watermelon today. yep. sure the hell did. and then proceeded to have one shitty ass day of no-shows and cancellations and re-schedules. bleagh. It was only right that I soothe my soul with much needed conversation with M’Lynn over some gin and tonic and nachos. yes yes indeed.

so, it was good. and by good, I mean GOOOOOOOOOOOD. Seriously great conversation. Life is ridiculous right now. The whole precipice thing…..she see’s it too. for me. weird and right at the same time. so the words flowed and the drinks slowed and the tears came right directly after the laughter.

Perfect.

and the Speakeasy????? quite possibly my favorite place on earth. other than a stoop in Astoria, a porch in El Reno, a corner in Brooklyn, an apartment on 63rd, a balcony in Florida, a yard in Bismark, and the front steps of 1618 Andover Court.

Went over to Mandrea’s new apartment last night and help decorate. Apparently I have a little of my mom in me after all, or I was channeling her! We got it looking nice and comfy and homey in no time then sat around and laughed and laughed and ate a fruit chiller! have you tried this? it comes in liquid form at the grocery then you freeze it and it turns into this (in mandrea’s words) “this ice cream gel kind of stuff” Bleagh. She lost me at gel.

Turns out…the french word for gel is Sorbet. and it’s 3points for the whole little container and it’s cold and sweet and delish.

Home to pick up more of my clutter which is pretty much done but for the office which remains a disaster zone then to bed. Today is a long day, and it includes weigh in. Chrome and I have been really trying to be supportive in this effort. She however is kicking ass and I am it seems, lacking the cheerleadering gene. Sis, I promise to be better this week. Seriously.

love and light people. keep faith.

Had a beautiful conversation with Gert last night. Face time. After all this time. We covered many topics, but mostly discovered that the changes and emotions and layers that we are uncovering within ourselves, is happening to both of us. At the same time. And as our words spilled out and slid over and overlapped into another memory, it became real. Valid. Things have always been clear for both of us, especially on certain topics, yet until we get to lay them on the table they kind of float around in the air, not solid, not nailed down and real. It’s one of the greatest things. In the history of ever, to feel such validation from someone who knows your heart.

I was told yesterday that someone was blessed to have me around. It is a grand compliment, and it’s a new relationship so I don’t really know how to take it. However, to be blessed…truly into your heart and bone marrow blessed by a friend is, I believe a bit of heaven on earth. And I am.

Life is rolling around and inside me this week. I feel as if I’m on a precipice…something is coming…discovery. I can feel it. It’s manifesting itself in different areas…I’ve been writing for the first time in years, feeling compelled to get words on paper…feeling 100% of everything in any given moment as if all of my nerves were laid bare…spontanious tears and delicious laughter too…renewal maybe.
Just maybe.
life begins.
again.

I wanted to post a youtube song here, but for some reason, my computer doesn’t want me to. So you. go. Youtube this: billy bragg i keep the faith.

listen.
it’s my theme right now.
myspacers, it’s also my song on my homepage.

and above all, have a great day!!! i’m taking my fat ass to the gym. THERE’s a place for some rebirth!!

Gert and I are getting face time for the first time in EONS!!! We have much to share much to talk about, some and not to say all of which will involve work, family, boys, health, promises, births, deaths, crazy, ass crazy, ass crazy fuckers that we love, (as opposed to crazy ass fuckers that we love) food, summertime, timelines, time in general, auditions, boys, friends, plans, future plans, immediate plans, boys, movies, sex, batman

wait. that was just the natural progression of MY thoughts.

movies, sex, boys, smoking, not smoking, clothes, shopping, travel, immediate travel, future travel, home ownership, decorating, gardening, future gardening plans, fall, birthdays, holidays, boys, animals, working out, television, dvr’d television, Eischen’s chicken, books, broken promises, general funk, and the shiny new star that is hanging on my wall.

will let you know how it works out when we come up for air!

 

 

My sis is having a birthday today! Huzzuah and Halakaleem! What a gift it has been and continues to be for me to get her in my life. She’s funny, and smart, and totally has her shit together even when she’s falling apart. Her life has not been an easy one the last four years but with grace and dignity she continued. She’s got the whole deal now, the supersize wonderlife and it is a joy to be a part of it. Love ya, Sisser! Happy Birthday!!