Sad

joe explained to me tonight that the the word SAD is much more heart wrenching and painful to admit than the word MAD.

i agree.

and after more than ENOUGH cocktails and discussion I have to admit I agree.

fact is…

I’M BOTH

I’m mad. at myself, at a man, at another girl, at situations beyond comprehension, at my own ridiculous version of friendship and grace…at all of it.

and I’m sad. bone weary sad at how things turn out. . . even though you pray for a sign. pray with knees on the floor for a sign so you can continue, move on with life, go forth.

kids. . .

I got my sign last night. It was a perfectly coreographed dance of scratch and sniff between two non blondes and here’s the bitch of it…I came out with the short straw. ok. fine.

cue mad.

I realize that I’m talking in circles and no one reading this recognizes which voice is typing but fuck it. it goes back to the fact that this space is mine. and I can say what i want to and purge what I wish and so be it. you don’t really have to understand. or get it. or figure it out. just know that I am mad. really realllllly mad.

and sad.

and if you know me…you know that I won’t answer my phone or leave my house if I don’t have to for as long as it takes…and then…

life begins again.