Confession

There is a consensus on the table over here at the Circus…to tell him or not to tell him how I feel. I’ve come to the part in the movie where I decide, after lo these many months of cat and mouse, of mixed signals and missed windows, where I decide to walk away. Call the table closed, clap my hands and turn.

With each day in this reality, hovering in this reality, it gets easier. Do I feel any different towards him? No. Still in there. Solid. Substantial. But this one way street is awfully lonely, and frankly, to pull out the hold WHMS line, “You’re right. You’re right. I know you’re right.” I’m not a stupid woman. Foolish at times, but not stupid. Point is, he knows where my front door is, and not once in these ten months of pining has he been knocking it down to get to me. That is the most clear of all signs.

However, over dinner I was given this little nugget.

“tell him. tell him how you feel. don’t look back, feeling like a young girl at 75 and say, I wish I would have told him. I wish when I was a young girl at 61, I would have told him. So what if you’re scared. Of what? losing him? a friend? a client? so what. You’ve been chasing after this long and hard and you need to tell him.”

after more than four cocktails it seemed the most brilliant and logical choice. In the dawn’s early light it made me vomit a little. I was in for it yesterday, mulling the words around in my head, having the silent conversations with the voices, playing out the scenarios. My client’s thought I was nuckin futs. whatever. Today…eh. I’m far enough on this side of it to think about sweeping it under the rug and hiding under my bed.

So I ask you. Have you ever had this happen? Have you ever had someone tell you how they felt, though you felt the opposite? Have you ever had a full blown confession? How did it pan out? And most importantly…do you think I should tell him? Do you think I’ll lose the friendship? Damage it, certainly, but lose it? I know that at the end of the day, the decision is mine. And given any number of happenings during this day my decision could be made easier or more difficult. . . but I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Leap and the net will appear.
I’ve tried to always live by this quote.
This whole experience in itself has shaken my foundation on that quote. made me realize, maybe I’m all talk and very little walk.

I want to walk again.

and if it’s a solo dance on a one way street…so be it. at least I’ll be up off of this chair.