Maybe I am one of those people who struggle with depression during the holidays. This is a shocking thought/discovery because yes, I do have my dark days, but for the most part I am a Happy Camper. Joyful. Laughing. It’s true…but seriously. I’m struggling this season.
Ennui.
–noun
a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom: The endless lecture produced an unbearable ennui.
Yes…that’s me. But darker. All I can focus on is what I’m lacking. The voices are loud this week, folks. It’s a View Master show of what if’s and maybe’s and damnit but it’s getting to me.
Yesterday’s client list was a whopping three. One of which I had to pay for out of my own check because it was a donation. (which I do NOT mind doing at all. ever. not for this event) And I did get a future client out of the deal and it was a friend so it was lovely to have her in my chair and get to really bang out some fabulous hair on her head…sigh. I just cried on the way home. Cried during Glee. Cried during Modern Family (THESE ARE SITCOMS PEOPLE. SITUATION COMEDIES NOT DRAMAS!) Cried reading my book before I went to bed…shit fuck damn. and now that damned Hallmark commercial…GAH!
This morning, I’m better.(save the stupid commercials) I’m a little wobbly. It’s taking all I’ve got, but I’m up. I do have a few on my book today and the ones I’ve got I love, so that’ll be a bright spot!
So. Maybe it’s just a phase. Maybe it’s hormonal (but I’m not PMSing, so who knows) Maybe this is who I am at this time of year…I think I’d be better if the finances weren’t so bad. If I could buy my family at least a little something for Christmas…just listening to people talk of shopping makes me feel horrible because I can’t…
Let’s end this on a positive note before we all head for the closet with a tie around our neck.
The Missing Car Payment reappeared in my account and I promptly resent it. Check that off the list. 🙂
My insulation comes Monday. I’m beyond giddy for that. 🙂
I made enough tips yesterday to get my Secret Santa his gift! 🙂
Todays Note from the Universe is spot on. Let’s all read and focus on that:
You see, Zelda, life isn’t supposed to be all “cakewalk” and no “baking.”
Especially not for those who like to experiment, take risks, and be surprised.
Please pass the sparklers,
The Universe
Misti Ridiculous 
I haven't seen Glee yet but Modern Family just wasn't playing fair. When he bought the fireworks and Manny hugged him? COME ON! Santa punched a caroler, funny, yeah, but in a cotton commercial kind of way. Maybe the tears will wash away some of the sad. This time of year is hard and you can rest easy with the knowledge that you give so much outside of the "giving season" so you are absolutely not depriving anyone over the long run.Love you.
LikeLike
What a burden it must be to be expected to be happy all the time.Allow yourself to release and recognize this time for balance.The scales will soon tip the other way.
LikeLike
"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."Ya gotta love A.A. MilneLove is a gift. Give that.Love to you in square tonnage.
LikeLike