I’ve said before…this life I’m living is more about time management and planning than it is about moment to moment flying by the seat of my pants.
It’s an adjustment.
I’ve always had an element of spontaneity in my life and have loved that. . . required that.
Spontaneity has left the building.
Oh sure I’ve got some play time. I can go watch a tv show during the week. I can play on the weekends if I have my homework finished, or like Sunday, if I leave the movie theatre and go directly to the library and work until I’m finished. Sure. I’m not chained to my desk every moment I’m not at work. I have from about 3pm on Saturday until 2pm on Monday that are available for fun/travel/playtime. That’s pretty much it.
But I miss being the Giddy Up Gypsy Girl.
I’m sad that I don’t get to go to New Orleans with Audra and Joe and Steve and Alex. I’m jealous of that trip happening without me when all along it was supposed to happen with me. I’m annoyed that I can’t just “miss class” and go. Or “miss work” and go. I’m annoyed in that part of my life.
I’m sad that a trip to NYC isn’t on the books. I tossed the idea of going over the Thanksgiving break. That’s my first time off from school and the salon is closed. But while I have money set aside for a ticket, really, if I can’t go to NOLA, then I really can’t go to NYC. And while a trip to Arkansas is almost as pricey with tolls and gas prices…it is closer. And my sister and I do love that day after shopping.
I keep focusing on the reality, and the endgame.
There will come a day when time to play will be at my discretion. But right now, in THIS moment, it’s about the choices I made when I leapt into this adventure. My focus is on this and doing the best I can. My excitement and joy is funneled into assignments like today’s when I get to teach my favorite book. Or when the Universe gave me the chutzpah to call the director of the movie and ask her some questions. That’s what puts a smile on my face these days.
My joy comes from weekends like this past one, when I had clients in my chair like JC and Layne that I love with my whole heart, had lunch and got caught up with them. When I was invited to the PseudoFamily’s house for burgers and beers and laughed all night, and then because the burn ban had been lifted we sat outside with blankets and watched the entire town shoot off fireworks. It was meeting friends Sunday for a movie and enjoying time with them. It was spending the rest of the day in the library, and finally, FINALLY having a breakthrough in the research and everything in my brain starting to click and groove again. It was coming home and getting all of my lesson plans finished for the afternoon’s class.
Navigating this thing…it’s difficult. But I’m still me. I’m still here. The gypsy part is riding this one out for awhile…the committed responsible one is driving the bus.
I look forward to the rest stop when they trade places.