Last night, I got home and I was wound tighter than an eight-day-clock.
Lists. Lists. Lists. To Do Lists.
Lists for school.
Lists for the house to prepare for leaving in 48 hours.
Lists for packing.
Lists for things that need to be done for Delbert’s impending wedding.
Appointments for hair and feet and nails and spraytan.
I packed a bit, tried on hateful clothing and made more lists about what I needed to replace it. Sent frantic texts to Stephanie who calmed my ruffled fluffy…oh so fluffy…feathers. Made another list.
Wrote out a list of all the things–A LIST OF ALL THE THINGS!– that I needed to do today, along with times to schedule it so that I can get it all done. ALL DONE!
I’ve got today, in the morning, and a brief moment between classes tomorrow that aren’t booked with things to do or with appointments with professors, or with library time. So…yeah. Once again, look how well I’m managing my time, ya’ll! Wheeeee!!! No hands!~ No hands!
Speaking of hands, let’s see a show of them. How many of you think that the minute I crawled into bed sometime after 11pm that the lists and the voices and the things to do just STOPPED?
Mom-put down your hand. I didn’t take a pill.
I was up until almost 4am. Two bowls of cheerios and an ambien later…I’m awake.
But it’s after 9am and I’m piled with kitties who want to snuggle and I feel a moment of panic and then I feel the breeze and just take a moment. I pad into the kitchen to start the coffee and feed the livestock. I actually turned on the tv and realized what the date was.
And I stopped.
And I took a moment.
And I reflected, as so many of us will do today, on the 11 years passed, and on that day.
I am profoundly changed. We all are, I believe.
I am profoundly grateful for the chance to change, to have experienced everything I’ve experienced in these 11 years. . . including all of the ugly, including the ugly place I was in when it happened. . . because I’m no longer there.
None of us are.
For me, personally, today is going to be about living each moment in awareness. I’m going to take my list, but whatever doesn’t get finished, just doesn’t get finished. I’m going to pay attention and be hyper-aware of this life that I am living, and the people in it that I love so much.
And if that’s not a reason to slow my roll a bit today, then I don’t know what is.