It’s been a full day of Ridiculous over here.
I met with the graduate department chair at OU this afternoon, and had a really nice, informational meeting about the program, about funding via teaching assistantships, about the application process. I felt really at ease and comfortable and left there thinking…”I can totally do this.”
Being on the OU campus, I had a nice little walk about tour and an after meeting coffee break with my Mr. and then squatted the rest of the afternoon at his house to finish writing my profile paper for literary criticism that’s due tomorrow. It was really a lovely day.
Until. . .
I got the critique of my 19th C paper back from my professor which called for a major re-write, re-organization as well as additional research.
I thought I was going to vomit. I still might, but I’m not giving up the delicious pasta dinner we had for paper stress. No way man.
After spending what could have been a minute or an hour on the side of the bathtub working my way through a meltdown/huh-huh-huh ugly cry, I’m better. I’m not great. My voices have decided to use it as a call to arms and are absolutely screaming in my head, all sorts of shitty things.
“You can’t write a paper and you want to be a professor?”
“You were going to use THIS as your writing sample for the application? You are NEVER getting accepted. You aren’t smart enough. Not even close to being smart enough to do this.”
and the succinct yet substantial:
I’m doing the best I can to stick a ball gag in each of their mouths. I really really am.
I’ve re-arranged my work schedule for Thursday to allow for the entire day to be spent writing. The paper isn’t due until 5:00 pm on Friday. My professor has given major chunks of criticism and suggested edits. These things, I’m hoping with a dose of space and time added to it, will all morph into an acceptable A paper for this class.
The thing that really really sucks…
I thought it was good. I knew that organization wasn’t perfect and citations weren’t polished, but I thought that I had really grounded my argument in theory, had shown credible and intelligent proof of that and had finished with content that was really, without needing too much editing, a pretty good initial product.
So. There’s that.
I really really really cannot wait to look back on this post and smile with the relief that it all worked out. Because right now…meltingdown is the only thing I’m really sure that I can do.