it’s fucking hard.
and i am doing the best I can to make the right choices.
i have enough voices in my head. yours. mine. Meme’s and Papa’s. the cats. the ghosts of choices past. the spirits of lessons learned. WE ALL LIVE IN HERE and everyone needs to just shut the fuck up for about FIVE MINUTES so that I can think.
I am not pushing out this man just for selfish reasons. I am not staying busy and forcing his hand on social engagements.
I am not doing only what I want only when I want to serve only my purpose. Let’s not forget that the month of October? it always holds Fall Fest. RFTC. Gert’s Bday. Halloween. these things were there long before a boyfriend. Let’s not forget I’ve been working two jobs. That takes place on the weekends. Let’s not forget, that sometimes shit just happens and because we were raised in a certain way, we honor our obligations.
let’s not forget that I chose purposefully not to divulge details here that were sacred, so do me the honor of KNOWING that I’m not an idiot. would you please?
I’m worn out.
My heart and my head have been playing battleship for the last forty eight hours.
I have done NOTHING but pray. And PS. that’s not something I only do when life is shitty. So don’t talk down to me or suggest otherwise.
I have prayed. I have sought counsel with those I trust. My family. My friends. I have thrown nothing but love and light into this dark corner of my life. I am breathing thru this. I am not making rash decisions. you know why?
because I’m almost forty years old and guess what? I’ve learned a thing or two while my gypsy soul has come down this road.
I’ve learned that life is a blessed gift.
I’ve learned that miles don’t equal distance of the heart.
I’ve learned that love comes in many forms.
I’ve learned that family does the same.
I’ve learned that honest words are priceless.
I’ve learned that they are also mandatory.
I’ve learned that pain will heal.
I’ve learned that pillow cases will dry.
I’ve learned that joy is found in laughter.
I’ve learned that laughter can be seen in just about every corner.
In my life anyway.
So folks. I got this. I do. I’m not going Mariah on you and spilling the drivel and coating myself in glitter while streaking naked in the walmarks. I actually unclogged my kitchen sink tonight. made homemade dinner. worked out at the gym. helped a friend get some hot water for to wash her hair. . .
I’m breathing. and I’m throwing love at all of it. And all of you. Thanks for sifting thru my emotional wasteland. If you’ve made it this far without hitting that arrow button up there, well. Thank you.
I got this.
the relationship will be what it will be.
My heart, whatever the outcome, will be fine. It’s been held in your hands time and time again…so even if I drop it I know you’ve got me safe and sound. And I know, that no matter what my life holds, you will be there. Supporting. Loving. I know that. I’m going to bed. I have a 5:45 gym call tomorrow.
look at me go.