First Grill

I fired up the grill for the first time tonight.  Cheeseburgers and grilled sweet potatoes. SO GOOD! It was the treat I wanted after a day of dealing with taxes and numbers and figuring out what I’m going to owe for self employment taxes this quarter. Receipts kept, some needed, most not needed. While I will have to pay somewhere in the 200-300 dollar range for this education, I’m doing my best to not freak out about it.

The thought of dealing with self employment taxes is enough to send me to get a “real job” –fight or flight response–and yes then my brain takes over and instead of swollowing the entire thing at once, I start taking itty bitty bites and I think it’s something I can do. A means to an end.

Dealing with money has never been my strong suit. It makes me doubt everything, but at the top of that list is myself. I doubt my intellect. I doubt my decisions. I doubt my choices for the future. It’s one of my most dysfunctional relationships…the one I have with money.

I have never ever had a good relationship with money. My parents had their own dysfunction. My dad could buy 400 dollar alligator boots, but if we spent 150 at Fashion Gal, shit hit the fan. We would sneak packages in. I would race home to get the mail before he saw the bills. Spending was something that, while it seems I can do it well, I don’t do it on myself much. New clothes, new anything…always bought with guilt. I’m sure it trickles down, doesn’t everything?

At the beginning of the year my goal was to do the Dave Ramsey thing and get out of debt. Austerity plan and all that. Right now, I’m just staying above water. It’s exhausting. Mentally draining. As if there’s a cloud hanging over me at every turn. I’m sick of it.

Wrapping my head around this whole way of life, taxes, expences, book keeping, staying on top and even ahead of the game…it’s a lot. I just don’t want to do that work all the time. I look forward to a time and a job where I won’t have to. People do it everyday, so until then I will figure it out.

Meanwhile, I’ve given all of my information to my CPA, my return will be filed and figured soon. I have to gather totals of payments from Job 2 and I’ll send that info to her for my quarterly payments…and it’ll be done. Onwards and upwards. Right?