Apparently, Kizz and I have somehow conjured up some funk from our past. This past weekend she was contacted by her ex love. . . and I was contacted by my ex-husband.
Just a bland and friendly little facebook email. Sitting there. Waiting on my to wake up. Containing bland and friendly little bits of information. I live here now. I work here. I do this. I like that.
Made more so because two night’s previous I’d had a dream containing him and another guy from college. The day previous I had talked about him at work, a girl had asked a question about my being married before.
I responded with like blandness and friendliness and then asked him why he’d emailed me.
“so that I wouldn’t regret not doing so”
Ok. So, apparently there is more salvation and redemption and forgivness that needs to happen. (You know we did this in 2008. I contacted him and we emailed a bit and had closure and then I walked away. Again. I didn’t feel he needed to be a part of my current life and he was acting like that was exactly what he was planning.) Well, if that’s what he needs that is fine.
But I got to thinking about it. What about me? What about what I’m feeling or how I’m dealing with this? What if it dregs up all kinds of old emotions and what if scenarios and all of the old risidual gobbeldygook? That’s not quite fair is it? So that he’ll be able to live with no regrets?
If the only person that is going to feel better after you do something…is you…is it the right thing to do?
I’ve decided to just roll with it. I have no feelings, really and truly, about this anymore. They went away a long long time ago. I don’t even resemble the girl who was called Mrs. anymore. My life began, in earnest, when I got divorced and has continued full force through today. There are people and places and nephews that were never even an idea back then, that are part of my everyday living now. I’m not interested, today, in sharing that life with him. But if he needs a little conversation to be able to live regret free, and if I can give that to him…well so be it.
I also have plans to make a quick trip to Talequah this weekend, and have a reunion with Boyd and my best good friend Mike and his family. It’ll be fast and furious but we will grasp time whenever we can, right? Going to that place, and being with Boyd…always drags up memories of that summer I got divorced. So it seems fitting that a trip there will end this week…
In other fun plans I get to celebrate Bonusmom’s birthday tonight with a meal! I’m going to make myself DO somethings around this house. I’ve got a lead on another part time oil and gas job to replace the one I’ve got when it peters out. I have blooms on my tomato and cucumber plants and baby okra and baby jalapenos in the garden!
A lot of my friends are escaping to the lake this week. I am so excited that they are getting some time to relax…I crave it. I’m also craving NYC. Did you see the Tony Awards? My favorite Neil Patrick Harris just rocked the gaff tape off of that show. Producer, host, perfection. But it made me just crave the city. The theatre. Just . . . being there. Sigh. I need a sponsor for my life.
If I would have stayed married…who knows what my financial world would look like. Most certainly it would be better than I’ve got now. But I wouldn’t have a clue who lives in apartment 2b in Brooklyn. Nor would I have gotten a postcard from Payten Ruth from camp, because I would have never known her daddy.
It’s those things that I carry in my arsenal when I’m ghostbusting. They work every single time.