Dem Bitches Be Crazy or I Learned To Ride A Bike This Summer

I woke up this morning, excited at first, and then overwhelmed by the “go back to sleep you can start tomorrow” voices. I got plenty of sleep last night. I wore my bite guard, because I’m grinding so badly in my sleep lately, that I’ve got headaches all day. So. I did everything right. I got good sleep. I ate clean before bed. I had all of my gear set about and charged and clothes laid out, all the things done beforehand so I wouldn’t have roadblocks.

And then The Voices started chiming in.

“you’re so sleepy.”

“it’s your day off”

“you DESERVE to rest”

Let me just say…Dem Bitches Be Loud and Crazy!!!

and a little persuasive…only for one snooze then I gag-balled them and rolled on out. Packed my bike. Filled my camelbak. Attached my music. Had a half a cup of coffee and skedaddled. I was meeting one of my best friends and his daughter (who called me “Homeslice” in a text last night…have you heard that? Homeslice? like Homegirl maybe?)and we were going BIKING!

Yes it’s 119 THOUSAND degrees outside, but we started about 7:30 am. We rode 7 miles. We had to start and stop and break and get water and cajole each other into keepin on keepin on. Piper is going into the 11th grade (HOW COME ALL OF MY BABIES ARE GROWING UP SO FAST??? WTH?) and Bless Her Heart. I mean it. God Bless Her. She felt woozy and sweaty and throw uppy and made me feel so much better for my feeling woozy and sweaty and throw uppy my own self. I’m the biggest whiner when it comes to exercise, I will hands down admit that. But it’s…tricky. There’s seat adjustment and gear adjustment and your feet fly off the pedals if it’s not correct and that seat, (no matter if you have a gel cover on it), feels like your straddling the Log Ride at Six Flags..without the water. My hooha will likely be screaming at me tomorrow… and not in the I just had a great night with George Clooney kind of screaming. There’s hills and there’s other riders who are zooming past you and you are for sure they’re muttering under their breath, “who let the touched kids have bikes?” Riding into wind? Well that’s a thing. The blazing ass sun is another thing. I was my very own incarnation of Bridget Jones on the exercise bike…who is kicking ass and then just falls onto the floor. I kept thinking of Chrome who rides all over hell’s half acre in NYC and it’s just her daily routine…wow. Just wow.

But I didn’t fall.

I didn’t throw up.

I did walk the bike a few steps because I felt like my hip joints were going to spontaneously combust and I would look really really awkward if that happened. . . and really…with the giant purple bicycle helmet on, walking my bike from tree shade to tree shade and humming Your Sex Is On Fire under my breath…who wants to chance looking awkward???

I got a little nervous riding through the intersections where there are concrete pillars that are seperated for us…but I remembered Cindy’s words…Look at where you want to go. It helps with balance. Sure did!

I made it back to my car in one piece. I high fived my riding companions and was amazed at what we’d just done. I was laughing and sweating and sucking my camelbak like it actually WAS George Clooney and I thought…

Dem bitches be crazy alright…and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Homeslices-7 Couch-0