Have a Coke and a Smile and Shut The F Up.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Today I had a breakthrough. It came in the middle of a breakdown. But I think it counts.

Quite a bit of my work consists of researching.

The advent of technology changed the way research is done, especially since I last did any in 1997.

So on my “homework days” I sit and I read. I make notes. I peruse databases online. I write a bit. Mostly I read and I peruse databases and read other works that have been published.

Reading.

Surfing the net.

My brain does not aknowledge this to be Real Work. True Work. Productive Work.

That’s when the panic starts up and it get’s really crowded with the voices chanting and the crazy begins to swirl at my feet. Because those voices don’t think I’m doing anything real or valid. And I should BE doing something both real AND valid, and progressing and checking things off the list.

I recognized the panic signs. They’ve been coming on pretty frequently these last few weeks. I took a half of a xanax. Yes. It was the middle of the day. But I did it. Just a half.

I came back and put in an episode of West Wing and just sat on the couch doing some deep breathing.

Once I got it together, I took another look at the thesis I was trying to write, threw it all away, chose another author and wrote the thesis in two minutes. I changed the author and set the tone and now, now that I have that I know where I’m going. I then perused more databases, took some time to really look at how to use the search engines on these things and BAM. There. There in the prologue of the book A Burnt Out Case by Graham Greene, were the words spoken about him upon his death.

I’ll have to go back and trace my research path, but that assignment is essentially finished.

I’ve decided to designate specific time to work on specific classes and papers. I think that will help me not feel quite as overwhelmed.

Also…I vacuumed my carpets. I took out the trash and recycle. I called a doctor and finally got an appointment with a lady parts doctor. (I’ve got a list of things to speak to her about one of which is the panic attacks.)

I actually was productive today. Just a few steps forward. Just a car length ahead.

The calm has remained.

4 thoughts on “Have a Coke and a Smile and Shut The F Up.

  1. Which author did you switch to?

    Did you know that some colleges have days when they cancel classes and they’re called READING DAYS? It’s like studying days but it’s all about the fact that the human brain can only read so fucking much. It’s work when you’re doing it the way you’re doing it. Good work.

    I’ve been avoiding some hard work on the cabaret show. Last night after doing a lot of singing I finally decided to see what sheet music I had so I could at least stop fretting about NOT HAVING ANY OF THE MUSIC FOR ANY OF THE SONGS SO WHAT’S THE POINT ANYWAY WWAAHHHH! I don’t have much of the music but I do have some and I have it in a nice binder and I’m going on a field trip to Staples today to get something to make tabs out of. I feel MUCH better now.

    Glad you feel better, too.

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  2. Getting organized, mentally and physically is just so much part of the game. I do believe I’ve compartmentalized the work enough at this point that going forth will be easier to wrap my head around.

    I switched to Gwendolyn Brooks. I love her poetry. Love.

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  3. I am so glad you made your appointment. Don’t forget to ask about the sleep thing. Maybe make yourself some notes before you go so you don’t forget anything you want to address?

    It seems to me like there is a good chance that all the information co-mingles because some of your classes are so similar. It would be REALLY hard to separate some of that stuff out while you’re doing your research. “Oh, I could use that for this paper. Oh, that would be great for this other thing I’m doing.” Quite a bit of spill-over? And htat would drive me freaking nuts.

    Hang in there. Okay? Love you!!!!

    Like

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