the beat goes on

Cindy just left my house.

After spending time with friends at the zoo yesterday, she was too tired to make the drive so stayed one more night. We watched Downton Abbey, and ate fro yo thanks to Lynn, and just kind of puttered around.

The house feels sad this morning.

Lonely quiet.

We cried and hugged tight and, well goodbyes kill me anyways, but this one truly sucked.

Knowing that we have to get on with it.

She has to get on with the sucky drive and get to Hooper (who I dreamed about I just remembered) and I’ve got to get some Robinson Crusoe read before 3:30 and knowing that we have to continue on with life.

The celebration is over. Friends have gone home. Family has gone home.

And now we all have to figure out how to navigate this life…without Chris.

She gave me a few of his books.

The Steve Jobs biography, a book on writing and a book that his best friend quoted at the memorial.

I treasure them…and I treasure her.

I had a few hours yesterday afternoon after Talaura had gone to Stillwater, and Chad had gone to the airport and Cindy was at the zoo with sweet Quinne, and I watched St. Elmo’s Fire.

I always wanted a group like that. A group that had been friends forever, each person playing a specific role, adding their element to the workings of the group. I loved 90210 for the same reason. I alway always wanted that.

Yesterday, for the very first time, I realized that I had it.

The tears are far from over. The pain is still fresh. We’ll still feel stabby and angry and empty. But we’ll also feel thankful that we had him for the time that we did…

We’ll hold each others hand, keep steady while we learn to walk again, smile again when we begin to dance…

We will dance again.

Because the beat goes on.


4 thoughts on “the beat goes on

  1. Last night Jack dreamed of Chris and I dreamed of Cindy. This morning I fretted for Hooper – I was thinking this morning (while I gave Huxley a bath) that Hux would already feel adrift if we left him after just 2 weeks and that poor Hooper would surely feel lost after losing his friend of so long. Angry and stabby are such perfect words . . . and a bit befuddled as to how the world can possibly still be.


    1. I think that the fact that we are all so…befuddled speaks volumes. But it doesn’t help with the feeling does it?
      We just hang on to one another…


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