Bang That Drum

After class yesterday, I scrambled around to re-do my application for a teaching assistant position for next Fall. I worked between clients. I attached information above and beyond the requirements. Between clients I ran home, got my USAO transcript and was drove right to the Quick Print that is a few stops down from my salon…closed.

By the time I finished with clients, it was 7:30. And while there was NO cut off time for submissions, by the time I got everything locked and loaded, my information refused to upload and stayed hanging, incomplete, in cyber limbo.

I called the number listed and left a message last night about 8:15 when I finally gave up. I also called and left a message this morning. But it’s the Friday before Spring Break and I’m sure everyone has left the building.

It kind of knocked the wind out of my sails last night. This morning, after a decent night’s sleep with the windows open and my summer blanket on the bed, I’m fine with it. If it doesn’t happen, so be it. It means I won’t have to use one of my class times taking a pedagogy for teaching assistants class. If it does happen, I’ll get to stretch my muscles, get out of my comfort zone and become part of a group. The T.A.’s are a tight knit little community and it would be nice to be a part of that. I bless it and let it go. I take pride in the fact that I didn’t give in to my fear and let the voices win.

But don’t we all have those voices? No matter what the persona we extend to the public, don’t we all have those moments where we just want to curl up under the covers and hide? Cindy commented that she was surprised that I had those fears…but I know that we all do. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. For the most part I’ve conquered them in these 41 years on the planet. But some days…some of those days…BAM. They sneak up and smack you on the ass so hard you kind of expect a kiss afterward.

I suppose the key is to be able to navigate through that quagmire of fear and get to the other side. I don’t think you have to be especially brave, or extraordinarily gifted in deflecting the rejection that goes hand in hand with fear. I think, though, that you do need a tribe of extraordinarily outrageous people, who are especially fearless, waiting for you on the shore, beating the drum, sounding the horn, dancing and clapping and cheering you on.

With that kind of support, who needs a life jacket?