Exactly one year ago today, I voiced to you, gentle readers, my desire for applying to grad school. It seems that my plan was initially to study British Literature. I think I was channeling Ma and my USAO experience.
I remember the night, it was a drunken debacle of a night after my friends mother’s funeral. It finished about 4am with Gert telling me, you really should do it. You really should.
I’d thought it before. Mostly in the shoulda woulda coulda file of my brain. Mostly when I thought about how I missed the boat. Mostly in the context of the graduate assistantship to Ole Miss that I gave up because at the time, I was married to a racist, slacker, pothead piece of fucktard, who said, “We are NOT moving to Mississippi. There’s nothing but black people there.”
It stuns me NOT that those words came out of his mouth. It stuns me that it took several more months before I would leave. Stuns me.
However, that’s not the point of this story.
I was thinking about it, the seed had been planted way back in 1997. Gert added some tenderness and Miracle-Gro and love. Many conversations later, with Caro, with my sister, with many of you and here I am. At the end of May, after Spring semester and intersession, I’ll be 21 hours into my 32 hour program.
I look back on that post, and read your comments. I see Chris’ words, which are eerily comforting. Brought tears to my eyes. But that’s ok. They did a year ago, too. I see your support. From the very first time I wrote the words.
What a difference a year makes, eh?
Looking back on all of the obstacles, mostly self inflicted neuroses, I think…”man. I am SO GLAD I did this.” And as is usually the case I wish for 2012 MistiRidiculous to be able to go back and speak to 2011 MistiRidiculous and say,
“Girl. GIRRRRRRL. Take. A. Breath. Jump into it. Go. Figure it out. Steer clear of that bitch that teaches the Young Adult class, and get involved. You’re going to be just fine. You will still have your house, You will be crazy stressed, try to get some more sleep. But it’s all good. Take a breath and LEAP.”
I’m incredibly uncertain about the future. I’m crazy nervous about the next few semesters, about picking a thesis topic, about getting a thesis committee together. What in the name of Carrie Bradshaw am I going to wear if I get the TA position??? And seriously. Can ANYONE tell me what in heaven’s name am I going to do AFTER I GRADUATE??? Ph.d program? WHERE? What if no one wants me? What if I garner so much student loan debt that I just get buried under it? What if I never get hired by anyone? What if I’m totally a fraud and couldn’t teach a kangaroo to freakin hop???
This is where 2013 MistiRidiculous needs to show up and say,
” GIRRRRRRRL. Take a breath. It’s all fine. See? See how things have worked out? Take a breath. Leap.”
But since that never seems to happen without the aid of a magical baseball diamond in a cornfield…I’ll take comfort in words.
Yours. Mine. Ours. and Patty Griffin’s.
Misti Ridiculous 
“Be bold. Be Brave. For the Lord Your God is With You.”
Sorry – for some reason, that line we sing at church popped into my head; perhaps because I have been telling it to myself. If this is the right the path for you, then the doors will be opened, peace will come, strength will arrive. And if there is some other path, it will show up. I personally am tickled pink that you went back to school and are thriving in that environment. I would love to go back, but it would be just to learn more. I can’t afford anymore learning that isn’t going to apply to what I want to be when I grow up and I know it isn’t an English teacher.
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I will be 57 by the time my student loan is paid off. But I don’t even think about it. It has the lowest interest rate and it’s just something I pay on every month. Somethings are worth it.
That what if game is dangerous. It’s my least favorite game. If it’s what you want and it makes you happy, it will all happen the way it’s supposed to. Every day I think of how proud of you I am for following your bliss. You will choose them, not the other way around. The world is yours and you will choose the next step. PhD? Any where; any where you want to go.
You are amazing.
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I’m a pro at The What-If Game, sadly… I’ve said it, you know it: I am so so so proud of you! Yes, stupid YA teacher is a bitch, and now you know you’ll never take her classes again. What will you wear if you become a TA? Anything! Have you seen those rag-a-muffin TAs and full-fledged profs? You can wear whatever you want!
I sometimes regret not taking the TA position that was handed to me on a goddamned platter, but I knew I wanted to be in the classroom, making a salary as soon as I could, BUT damn, I sometimes wish I had just stuck it out, continued the starving student schedule for 2 more years, and come out with a Masters instead of 2 years in a Catholic school pulling my hair out.
Student loan debt is something I’ve yet to have to deal with, but I see it in the future… Just know that as a TA, some of your hours are covered. And that’s a good, good thing.
Who knows what you’ll do with this degree? I know that you’ll be happy with this giant leap. That’s what you’ll do with it.
Whit
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It’s a remarkable adventure you’re on.
When have you never been fine…I mean, of course there were times you’ve been low, but you’ve still always ultimately be fine. You’ll be fine. Just fine.
And if you need, you can practice hopping-teacher skills on me before you go out into the big bad world of kangaroos.
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Congratulations! You look good when you leap.
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I find it strange….when you doubt yourself. I suppose we all do at times. Anyone that knows you also knows you will be a most awesome teacher, or the coolest dean of whatever wherever….. You have so many gifts and attributes …… the ability to really connect with people, a heart as big as the sky, an understanding of the value of our time on this big blue marble. You are still an inspiration to me that it’s never too late to get up and go. Keep going, grinding, fretting, and I will just keep smiling, because you will make it just fine. A success….you already are to me.
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and lest you forget….you have your very own personal shopper who can find teaching attire on the cheap! 😉 and, isn’t student loan interest still tax deductible?
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See what I mean?
Strength in words.
Mine.
Yours.
OURS.
We all have doubts. And insecurities. And those wavering WHATTHEFUCK moments. But I’m a firm believer, that once spoken, once written, once out there…they become less powerful. They have less of a hold on you.
I think that by putting a voice to the Voices, we give the Power back to ourselves.
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DITTO what Joe says.
I am so proud of you and all that you do and accomplish. Keep it up. You will be the more than the moon and the stars combined!
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