Exactly one year ago today, I voiced to you, gentle readers, my desire for applying to grad school. It seems that my plan was initially to study British Literature. I think I was channeling Ma and my USAO experience.
I remember the night, it was a drunken debacle of a night after my friends mother’s funeral. It finished about 4am with Gert telling me, you really should do it. You really should.
I’d thought it before. Mostly in the shoulda woulda coulda file of my brain. Mostly when I thought about how I missed the boat. Mostly in the context of the graduate assistantship to Ole Miss that I gave up because at the time, I was married to a racist, slacker, pothead piece of fucktard, who said, “We are NOT moving to Mississippi. There’s nothing but black people there.”
It stuns me NOT that those words came out of his mouth. It stuns me that it took several more months before I would leave. Stuns me.
However, that’s not the point of this story.
I was thinking about it, the seed had been planted way back in 1997. Gert added some tenderness and Miracle-Gro and love. Many conversations later, with Caro, with my sister, with many of you and here I am. At the end of May, after Spring semester and intersession, I’ll be 21 hours into my 32 hour program.
I look back on that post, and read your comments. I see Chris’ words, which are eerily comforting. Brought tears to my eyes. But that’s ok. They did a year ago, too. I see your support. From the very first time I wrote the words.
What a difference a year makes, eh?
Looking back on all of the obstacles, mostly self inflicted neuroses, I think…”man. I am SO GLAD I did this.” And as is usually the case I wish for 2012 MistiRidiculous to be able to go back and speak to 2011 MistiRidiculous and say,
“Girl. GIRRRRRRL. Take. A. Breath. Jump into it. Go. Figure it out. Steer clear of that bitch that teaches the Young Adult class, and get involved. You’re going to be just fine. You will still have your house, You will be crazy stressed, try to get some more sleep. But it’s all good. Take a breath and LEAP.”
I’m incredibly uncertain about the future. I’m crazy nervous about the next few semesters, about picking a thesis topic, about getting a thesis committee together. What in the name of Carrie Bradshaw am I going to wear if I get the TA position??? And seriously. Can ANYONE tell me what in heaven’s name am I going to do AFTER I GRADUATE??? Ph.d program? WHERE? What if no one wants me? What if I garner so much student loan debt that I just get buried under it? What if I never get hired by anyone? What if I’m totally a fraud and couldn’t teach a kangaroo to freakin hop???
This is where 2013 MistiRidiculous needs to show up and say,
” GIRRRRRRRL. Take a breath. It’s all fine. See? See how things have worked out? Take a breath. Leap.”
But since that never seems to happen without the aid of a magical baseball diamond in a cornfield…I’ll take comfort in words.
Yours. Mine. Ours. and Patty Griffin’s.