The Same And Not The Same

I think that sometimes after a big big event, where I am just completely blissed out and refueling for the days ahead, I think I go into a slight depression afterwards.  I miss being around the people I’ve been around. I miss their voices and their laughter and their energy. I get a little nutty in my head because I think I’m going nutty when really, all it is is that excess bliss I’ve absorbed trying to find space and get comfortable inside of me.

I worry that the connections I’ve made are all in my head, that they aren’t really real and that it was all just a dream…so I hone in on something…latch on and just focus on it to keep it all alive. Seeking validation, affirmation…putting one foot on the floor to stop the spins and make sure there is something solid underfoot.

I’ve been that way today.

Last night, really.

I felt just incredibly lonely. I was sad for my classmate at school who unloaded all about her fresh break-up and imminent divorce the minute I removed my ear buds and quit listening to music.

I was sad because it was so quiet here and the laughter that I was so used to seemed so far away.

It’s all connected to this time of year. It’s my power time. I feel more in tune with the energy around me during these months on the calendar than I do during the rest of the year. All of my senses are at attention, my witchy blood starts to boil a bit, things seem achievable. Like I can just manifest whatever I’m focused on.

Sometimes my focus skews a little left and manifests some wonky shit.

Why yes. Yes I will give you an example.

While the energy crackles and I seem to really have it all together,  the loneliness can sometimes be palpable. So of course, thoughts go to rectifying that situation, daydreams happen, whatever.

I got asked out yesterday.

By someone who I’d already been sort of set up with years ago. And for reasons that I will only give as “I came in 2nd place” and “whew” I absolutely knew that this was a song that I wasn’t about to sing again.

It felt icky. And I felt icky. And compound that icky with the icky from my classmates divorce story and toss in the feelings of withdrawl from my mountain people…

I was a hot mess on the way home last night.

But I got an A- on my literary criticism paper with some quality remarks on it.

And my friend’s lesbian aunt gave me some sweetass compliments online yesterday.

And I had a great conversation with another friend who said perhaps some of the nicest words to me I’ve heard in a very long time.

So the loneliness went away. And it felt like all was right with the world again.

The same and not the same.

I do think that’s called balance.