One of the things that I’ve been trying to do when I find myself in the middle of a situation that is steeped in anxiety and panic is to go to the worst scenario, and walk backwards.

You’re not dying.

They can’t eat you.

You never have to do this day over again.

Step by step I proceed until I can breath calmly and move forward.

I had a sorta kinda panic attack today. It started from about 11am and worked its way through my day coming to a head about 3ish? 4ish? I dunno.

I didn’t go to my first class today, but got notes from my study buddy friend. I tried to sleep it off. Tried to think it away. Focus on the giddy. Focus on the music. Focus on upcoming plans.

Yet there it was. This funky thing just kind of sitting on my shoulder.

I had my first major exam in Literary Criticism tonight. This is the class, as I’ve said before, that all of the master’s students say wrecked their 4.0.

I know that I’ve got it written in big colorful letters on my Desire Wall/Goal Wall/Dream Wall whatever the hell I call it, that I don’t have to be perfect. I am not required to stay at this level of perfection. It’s okay.

. . .

My stepdad, last week, found out that he has a mass on his lung. He’s been seen by three doctors, and the thing shows “signs” of cancer. He went to Little Rock to the VA hospital there and this morning they did a biopsy. We’ll get those results in a week or two. I haven’t said anything because there’s just not much to do until we know something for sure. Pragmatic approach. Me. Pragmatic.

Yeah, it’s weird. I know.

So. The biopsy was today. Mom kept me posted with texts throughout the day. It went well. The lung didn’t collapse, as was a possibility, and he should be leaving the hospital tomorrow. We should get results within the next few weeks.

There’s a lot of stuff swirling about. And I promise you some…a lot…is good, new, shiny, potentially delicious stuff. But today was one of those days that tried to get the best of me.

I finally just breathed through it, and got centered. This post that I wrote for the Lenten season this year popped up on my sitemeter, so I went over and re-read it. 

That was not an accident, friends. Not an accident at all.

Sometimes the reminders are subtle, and sometimes they come in the form of highlighted text that says CLICK HERE AND READ ME.

The day has wrapped up nicely.

Pretty sure I owned that literary criticism test.

Burl is going to be okay.

I made a wish at 11:11 tonight.

I’ll let you know when it comes true.

4 thoughts on “Reflection.

  1. I don’t say much online about God stuff either. I don’t want to be pushy and I actually don’t know where some people are with it. But for me and my house, almost every Sunday, we drive 1 1/2 hours one way for church because we feel fed there, fed more so than anywhere else. I will pray, if I may, that you have strength and peace and wisdom. You and yours. And for healing too. I am so sorry your day was hard and so proud of you for taking that test anyway. You are loved.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s