I had some moments of rage today.
I know, right?
That just doesn’t even belong anywhere around here lately, but it is what it is.
I had some rage.
First let me add the preemptive caveat that if you think this is you I’m talking about: well it either is or it isn’t. Go with your gut instinct. But you know that more often than not, the 5 people that read here are NOT who gets the focus of my rage. If I’m pissed at you or feel like you’re pissed at me, I will either just call you right up and lay it on the table, or be so overtly passive aggressive that we both start laughing and just bless it and let it go. We know how I work in that arena. So don’t fret.
This thing that’s going on with me?
It’s good. It’s true. It’s authentic.
It has changed everything.
But I’m not mad about it.
I’m not freaked out.
I’m not crosseyed with the hearts and flowers and coloring every episode a lovely shade of blush and bashfull to the point of not knowing what’s happening, either.
What I am, is happy.
What I am is excitedly content.
So when I’m met with…let’s not call it “unsupportive behavior” let’s just call it “active reservations” –about this thing that is doing wonders for my complexion, I want you to know that I get it.
I get it.
Yeah, it’s all whirl-windy-silly when compressed into the devices we use to mark time.
Yeah, it can perhaps be seen as illogical.
I get it.
That actively reserved stance comes from several places. Most of which are a direct result of the choices I’ve made in my past relationships. Reaction comes from fear and wariness and the need to protect from future mistakes. All of those things are strategic parts of a great friendship.
I have felt them for many of you at one time.
You’ve seen me stumble and you’ve picked me up. You’ve seen me want something so desperately that I chose to lose parts and pieces of myself, and you steadfastly helped to piece me back together again when the day came. You’ve understood the way I’ve chosen to navigate this life, and up until awhile ago, all of that made perfect sense.
So. I get the fear. I get the cautious optimism. It’s what I’ve given you to go on.
I am here to tell you, friends…the time has come to give you a different template.
I ask that you understand that the roads have all led me to this place.
I ask that you continue to love me, even if I fall again, just as I do you. I ask that you put that fear and that reactionary impulse to immediately doubt and disbelieve, I ask that you tuck that away.
And I ask that you not view this thing, this shiny, perfectly wonderful thing, with that clouded, scratched lens. Don’t project that which you view with the fear I have shown you previously, onto this thing that needs not be feared.
Because it’s starting to fucking piss me off.
(see what I did there?)
Being happy is a choice.
and it’s the one that I choose.
So please try not to worry. I’m in very capable and strong and supportive hands.