Taking a Breath.

It’s been a week.

Mark’s brother-in-law lost his fight with Fucking Cancer this week. It was, as it always is, just bullshit from the get go. It’s not really my story to tell here, but as we all know, this kind of thing just sucks.

I’ve been in Norman every night, spending time with family, being together, and that part has been lovely.

Last night, I dreamed crazy. I dreamed about school. I dreamed about being so far behind on writing my thesis. I dreamed about not graduating until the Fall and everything just falling apart. I dreamed about this assignment we have for my Shakespeare class…

I had emailed my professor with questions about this last night and then dreamed that his reply…well his reply was nothing that I could do. It had tons of information, tons of stuff to help me…if I were Chris. I kept looking over the paper, and saw prompts that would make the assignment easier and I kept saying, “But I don’t know that episode of the Simpsons. I didn’t watch the X-Files. Dr. Who has never been on my television. Chris would know this. Chris could do this.”

It was like that all night long.

Cindy’s post today was really on point. “It doesn’t get easier…” It really is a relief, I think. . . to know that. Of course, the interpretation of  “easier” is up for grabs…just depends on your journey.

The closer we get to February, the more I’ve been thinking about him. About Cindy. About that day, about that trip with Amy and how it is still just so raw. I guess I too, have been waiting for it to get easier. This week has just kind of peeled back the scab.

I was thinking this week about Mark’s sister. I was thinking about having lived an entire life with someone…only to have another entire life ahead without them.

I was thinking about my friends who are on this path already…some many steps ahead of the other but walking it, nonetheless.

The list is just way too long.

Today I’m paying bills, reading more homework and heading to class. I didn’t go on Tuesday. My place was in Norman. So I’ve got some catching up to do. A little time in the salon with clients, then load the car, feed the livestock and head back down.

I’ve said for years, “You never have to do this day over again.”

Eventually something shifts and it becomes, “You never get to do this day over again.”

We’re somewhere in the middle this week, and that’s okay.

 

cancer

4 thoughts on “Taking a Breath.

  1. I’ve said for years, “This’ll be over with before you know it. And then you’ll wish it wasn’t.” Or weren’t. I never can get that grammar rule straight.

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  2. You are loved and believed in.

    I identify. I have been thinking a lot about lately about Cindy and others I know who walk these walks that terrify me to think about. I also have been having crazy dreams, full of stress and me not measuring up at work. Maybe it is just that season.

    Hang in there. I know you are making this better for by Mark just by being there.

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