My best friend from my glorious college days is leaving us.

He had a major heart attack a week ago Saturday and has never come back. He is in a deep coma, with minimal brain function. The hard conversations have happened, continue to happen with his family.

It’s been a week of mourning. It continues.

I’m working through boxes, trying to find my photos. Finding bits and pieces here and there. Missing him. Mourning him. Laughing my ass off with him.

There are moments of clarity and function. I feel as if I’ve done nothing but mourn this year. I’m trying to embrace the sunshine, and think of the positive.

I’m writing, words coming, more than a timeline, and then I must pause. And cry. And laugh. And begin again. So goes the cycle.

I said my goodbye a few days ago. I’m mostly okay with that part of it.

I ache for his family, for his children, for his friends.

This loss is profound.

This loss is great.

And he would have us do none of this. Don’t waste time on that crying bullshit, he would say. Laugh, and tell stories of the good times, fart loudly. That’s what he would do.

I can hear him now.

“Mourning gives me gas,” he’d say.

“John, everything gives you gas,” we would reply.

And so it goes.




8 thoughts on “Mourning.

  1. That is exactly what he would say. He was the first person I had a conversation with about living deeply and bliss and all that after I walked out of my first encounter with those ideas in Ann’s class. John was so wise and so goofy – one minute telling me the meaning of life and the next suggesting I wear my skirts shorter. He would have none of this sadness and mourning on his behalf. But it doesn’t mean we won’t do it.


  2. Sweet, funny, John. One of the greatest gifts you can give to a loved one is to help them leave this life and move on to the next. It is never easy but the last gesture of love we can give. And, John knows……..


  3. You’ve reminded me that I joyfully found and brought him Beano. And, once upon a time, heading to NYC as a naive young girl, he got my imagination in shock when he told me there were booths where you could pay, and see these girls …. Oh my goodness, what?! He was a mix of wise and shock for me that delighted the naive full of wonderment girl I was. Was so glad to see him on FB this year. Will be taking pause and thought and rerunning memories with gratefulness and embracement. :(. :). 😦 All at once.


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