He’s already seeing someone else. I swear to God. Texts on his phone confirm. And yes, I check it. I have always checked it. Because I’ve never trusted him. DUH. Plus I pay for that mother on my bill so I figure it’s mine to do with what I want, including cancelling it if Sprint will be so gracious to do so. Doubtful.

I got two texts around the same time last night on my phone from people I know were at the bar, who obviously saw them together and figured it out. And it’s not so much that he’s with someone else, it’s that they are up there at the place I LIKE TO GO TO! With some of my people. Ugh. annoyed is what I am.

I told him last night that I didn’t know what this weekend was really going to encompass. I’m supposed to go to Arkansas until Tuesday but I don’t see how I can do that…I need to be PACKING AND GETTING THE FUCK OUT. And I also said, “don’t bring anyone into my house until I’m out” He just looked shocked. And it doesn’t matter that I say that and he says ok, he’ll do whatever he damn well pleases anyway because that is how he operates. What he wants and when he wants it.

Am I pissed about the other girl? Not her specifically. I don’t think. It’s not like I wanted him/want him. Is it just because they are gross all over the bar that used to be mine? territorial thing? I am pretty territorial. WHY DO I CARE??? Annoyed. It’s embarrassing. true. But it’s not my embarrassment, I’m not owning that.

I’ve packed about 4 boxes and oh my GOD you guys. . . endless. It feels endless and hopeless and what the fuck am I going to do?!?!?!?!? I’m not whining, or crying. Not really stressing. I guess I’m just having a bit of a blowout. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

And as I type out loud, the cats scatter away wondering what the hell’s gotten into Mom.

and I need suggestions as to where to go for boxes. He brought three from the bar. Beer boxes are good, so there should be more where those came from…I’m getting boxes from work today…

I think I’m just going to get packed, order a U-haul, beg strong men, possibly my father for help (am moving a piano people. those are hea-bee as Wonderboy says)and try to get this shit done by next Sunday…

Should I just move my clothes and cats and start living there this weekend when I come back? Then just move boxes at a time, after work and whatnot? I hate HATE leaving my stuff here unsupervised. Now, that IS me tweaking out on being territorial.

And does anyone know how to get my Itunes music off of this computer and onto my laptop? Joe? Ideas? At this point, I could give a shit but am trying to cover all the bases.

oy.

I have to say, sleeping in that other bed SUCKS ASS. I wake up I swear every single hour. Me and whatever cat. I just can’t sleep. I try breathing exercise, meditation, and all that does is clear my head to start mentally packing and moving. Waking up remembering not to pack the Harry Potter’s because Madchen(MAY-chen) is reading them right now and wouldn’t that suck to pack them away mid series.

So. forget all that no need to say anything but good game bullshit I said earlier…I need community response and insight. I’m at the bottom of my resource of energy getting through the last phase and working out of this one. I’m just focusing on being moved, living life on the frontier with the kitties. All 7 of them. And working on loving life and myself again.

But first I freaking have to pack all this shit.

and did nobody like my koala joke? I laughed until I fell off my chair. Oh well. It worked on me!!!

During college, Chrome and I had a conversation with our Ma. Ma was our English professor/Division Chair/mentor/Wonder Woman. She had decided that both Chrome and I looked very much like two of her daughters. . . so we asked her one day, “who’s our Daddy?”

In all eloquence and dignity, she replied, ” Girls, you can pick your own.”

The woman is BRILLIANT, I tell you.

Well, Chrome picked Carl Sagan to be her daddy and I picked Joseph Campbell.

Joe has helped me through many a dark night of the soul and as I was flipping through a book of his last night I found some inspiration and wonderful words. I share them with you.

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

“The warrior’s approach is to say “yes” to life: “yes” to it all.”

“Committing yourself to a person unconditionally is very different from having unconditional love for everybody in New York City. I’m not the Dalai Lama, who’s supposed to have unconditional love for everything in the world. Even God doesn’t have unconditional love. He throws people into hell. I personally don’t even think that unconditional love is an ideal. I think you’ve got to have a discriminating faculty and let bastards be bastards and let those that ought to be hit in the jaw get it.—–I think perhaps unconditional love is the Grail. It goes past God–a pretty big picture. Love, which is unconditional in marriage, is specific, it is focused. It is for that person and not for somebody else. Unconditional love goes right through everything, and it’s a breakthrough in spiritual life. Do not look for it outside of yourself. The only place to look for it is inside. If it is going to be unconditional love, what’s out there doesn’t matter.”

“The psyche knows how to heal, but it hurts. Sometimes the healing hurts more than the initial injury, but if you can survive it, you’ll be stronger, because you’ve found a larger base. Every commitment is a narrowing and when that commitment fails, you have to get back to a larger base and have the strength to hold to it.—Nietzsche called it “the love of your fate” Whatever your fate is, whatever the hell happens, you say, “that is is what I need.” It may look like a wreck,but go at it as though it were an opportunity, a challenge. If you bring love to that moment-not discouragement-you will find the strength is there.”

And finally:

” the dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed.”

A koala is sitting up a gum tree ….

smoking a joint

when a little lizard walks past

and looks up and says,

“Hey Koala !

What are you doing?”

The koala says: “Smoking a
joint, come up and have some.”

So the little lizard climbs up and sits

next to the koala and they burn a few.

After a while the little lizard says his

mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a

drink from the river. But the little lizard

is so stoned that he leans too far

over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over

to the little lizard and helps him to

the side, then asks the little lizard:

“What’s the matter with you?”

The little lizard explains to the crocodile

that he was sitting smoking a joint with

the koala in the tree, got too stoned and

then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this

out and walks into the rain forest, finds

the tree where the koala is sitting finishing

a joint, and he looks up and says “Hey you!”

So the koala looks down at him and says:

“Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude … how

much water did you drink?!!”

So, I’ve often suspected of infidelity on his part throughout this relationship. Some things I have a gut feeling about. The when’s where’s who’s are of no consequence and there is no “why didn’t I leave sooner” going on. Now is the time and so be it. But tonight I had a conversation with a girl who I enjoy quite a lot. We hung out at the bar, her husband has fixed my a/c on more than one occasion.

Apparently, he’s moved on. And fast. There was someone all over him on Saturday night, and she was wearing a wedding ring. The night before I broke up with him, he left with two six packs and his ex girlfriend. The one before me. I found that out about thirty minutes after I broke it off and left the house that morning.

Bleagh. Ewwwwwww. Gross.

I feel grossed out by that. The corpse ain’t even got the rigomortis and DAMN!

On the other hand, had there been ANYONE to kiss this weekend, I’d have totally done it.

But I have a grossed out pit in my stomach…and while I know there is no understanding or explanation, and who-the-hell-cares-good-by-and-good-riddance-to- him-I-have-done-the-right-thing-and-the-logical-side-is-the-one-that-is-in-the-driver’s-seat-now, I feel what I feel. I figured I’d write it out. Purge and Cleanse.

Chant with me people:

CLEAN SLATE! CLEAN SLATE! CLEAN SLATE!

I’m settling in for a night of my boyfriend Anthony Bourdain who is in the center of the universe on tonight’s episode. NEW YORK baby!! I’m taking notes. Hope you get to catch it too. . .

I’m ok. but I’ve decided to unlock the dam. Un-compartment the compartmentalization that’s been so strong for the last few years. No holds barred, here it comes. I don’t need anything from this nor do I expect anything in the form of words or whatever. This is one of those situations where we all go “good game” and leave the field. I’m in a good place. I just need to get it out of my head.

Things are good. I really feel like my plan is forming and taking shape and it’s one that I like and can really live with. Communication and whatnot are fine between he and I, but we still have to talk and get things settled and take care of details about the money and living arrangements. I really don’t see any of it being a problem.

My plan is to move to the Frontier with BonusMom. The kitties will love all the room and things to kill and eat. Plus two of their family already live out there so it’ll be a reunion of sorts. I had a talk with KikiMama yesterday and she purred in agreement so I’m thinking it’s a good deal. I’ll stay there and get my money worked in a way so that when my perfect house comes around I can afford new furniture, (of which i have none) a washer and dryer, (of which I have never even thought of owning) a new bed/mattress/sheets (because taking the spare bedroom furniture that is in my house that used to belong to his ex girlfriend does not appeal to me nor does it fit in with my Clean Start plan one iota.)

While this is a lot of money to save, and by the way, will need to save for a down payment of some sort, I will have my raise/promotion go into effect after the NY trip in September, and getting busy in the holiday season will bring in the money.

I feel like it’s good. Workable. The only downside is having no place to bring home a man for a slumber party. . . and quite frankly, that is the least of my worries right now.

I feel sad at times about the demise of this relationship. But the mourning period has come and gone already. It’s been done for awhile now. Years. So the only really anxiety I feel is about packing all this crap and moving it. And that is so minor, I’m just not going to fret.

It is what it is.

I feel the support from all corners. I am truly blessed with a net of people to catch me. Life is good.

Huzzuah and Happy Monday.

New Life.
Single life. Today is episode one. . . in thinking about the new series with will be starring me, I wondered about some music, some writing, some costumes. . . here’s what I came up with.

Carrie/Misti: I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love. And I don’t think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel/house in Paris.err…Oklahoma City.

along with the music of Rent. . . natch and these lyrics specifically:

What’s the time
Well it’s gotta be close to midnight
My body’s talking to me
It says “Time for danger”

It says “I wanna commit a crime
Wanna be the cause of a fight
Wanna put on my tight skirt and flirt
With a stranger”

I’ve had a knack from way back
Breaking the rules once
I learned the games
Get up life’s too quick
I know someplace sick
Where this chick’ll dance in the flames
We don’t need any money
I always get in for free
You can get in too if you get in with me

Let’s go out tonight
I have to go out tonight
You wanna play? Let’s run away
We won’t be back
Before it’s New Year’s Day
Take me out tonight! Meow!
When I get a wink from the doorman
Do you know how lucky you’ll be?
That you’re on line with the feline of Avenue B

Let’s go out tonight
I have to go out tonight
You wanna prowl
Be my night owl?
Well take my hand we’re gonna howl
Out tonight

In the evening I’ve got to roam
Can’t sleep in the city of neon and chrome
Feels too damn much like home
When the Spanish babies cry!

So let’s find a bar
So dark we forget who we are
Where all the scars from the
Nevers and maybes die

Let’s go out tonight uh-huh
I have to go out tonight
You’re sweet wanna hit the street?
Wanna wail at the moon like a cat in heat?
Just take me out tonight
Please take me out tonight
Don’t forsake me – out tonight
I’ll let you make me – out tonight
Tonight – tonight – tonight

I think I’ll look for something in this color to wear. all the time.

I really am ok. . . just need to begin again. It will be easy what with all the arms I have holding me up.

Author : Rowling, J. K./ GrandPre, Mary (ILT)
Title : Harry Potter And the Order of the Phoenix
Story Type : Fiction.
Weight : 2.8 lbs

I loathe people who say, ‘I always read the ending of the book first.’ That really irritates me,” she said. It’s like someone coming to dinner, just opening the fridge and eating pudding, while you’re standing there still working on the starter. It’s not on.”

Your Kiss is Orange

For you, kissing is all about pushing the envelope. You’re a wild kisser. And you don’t have to know someone all that well to kiss them. (You figure that’s how you’ll get to know one another!) While you may be impulsive with who you kiss, there’s nothing random about your kissing technique. Kissing Type: Unconventional People See Your Kisses as: Intoxicating You Kiss Best With: A Red Kisser Stay away from: A Pink Kisser

You Should Be In The Donnas

You’ve got that a bit of an edge to you The bad girl that all the good boys want!