She Was Mine

For as long as I can remember. Third grade. Fourth grade. I loved her. She was an obsession for me…beautiful, fresh, young. She was living the dream I always wanted. I saved my money, bought every hardback book ever published. Memorized the details of her wedding dress (designers=emmanuels. 24 foot train. honeysuckle for her bouquet from the royal gardens) She was perfect. She was mine. I made a scrapbook. Filled with pictures from every rag to People.

As I grew up, so did we all. Fairy tales are just that. Dreams don’t come without a price. But I still loved her. I was Murial, in Murial’s Wedding. I watched the wedding over and over and over. I couldn’t help it. It broke my heart for her that life was not as she’d been told it would be. It broke my heart for me, that life was not as I’d been told. So many changes, paralells.

Finally, it seemed, we were both on a path to happiness. New beginnings. Ten years ago last weekend I moved out of my house I shared with my husband. Ten years ago today, I did my last show of my first professional acting job. Ten years ago tomorrow, I flew to Indiana and began a new life.

I heard the news in a convenience store. We’d stopped in after saying all our goodbyes to the cast and before we headed back to Tulsa. I thought what everyone thought. No. Couldn’t be true. Just a bad accident. She’s fine. She’s mine.

Flying away from all I ‘d ever known to be true and safe the next morning she was everywhere. The news. The papers. Friends were calling my mom’s house, checking on me. I was so scared, all I wanted to do was be in my room and watch it unfold and cry for what we’d lost. Instead I flew to a new place, lived in a office/den. Cried for all we lost. Watched tv until I couldn’t focus. Wished desperatly to be home, anywhere, married and baking cupcakes. wishing that for both of us. wishing.

I can see that funeral procession as clearly as I can see her bridal procession. I can still remember the feeling in my heart, the rapid fire beating of it as I watched her approach the cathederal. She was amazing. She was mine. And she was everyone’s.

3 thoughts on “She Was Mine

  1. I didn’t know what time of year all that went down for you. There’s a beautiful new book out about her that I had trouble not buying. A lot of pics I’ve never seen before.


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