I’ve been musing on this movie this week. It’s been quite the tumultuous week, starting Monday and finishing with a conversation yesterday afternoon. I am ok. And I’m wishy washy on how much of this I’d like to talk about here, and the final decision is not much.
I had the most raw, revealing conversation of all conversations with someone, and I said every single word that was in my heart. Every single thought I’d ever had concerning them, concerning us. I said it. I unzipped and poured. And it was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. And I have hurt in places that I didn’t know exist. But I had to hear, I had to know from that side…”this will never work out.” and he said it. and suddenly…release.
I was afraid that I’d feel worse today, after the final conversation last night. . . but turns out I’m ok. I’m ok. If I died tomorrow, tonight, before this post was finished, I could go knowing that he knew without a doubt, one hundred percent how I felt about him.
And we can’t choose who we feel for and who we don’t. And it’s no ones fault that he doesn’t riciprocate. It’s just not there. There’s just nothing there. And I had to hear it. And now….now…we move on.
We are having a shitstorm of some weather here today. 100% chance of a fucking blizzard. SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?! I am hoping that OKC will escape the worst of it, and just get a grazing. I need my book today and tomorrow to show up and people do NOT show up during snow. We here in OKC, we stay inside. And eat. Gak. Also, I”m hoping it doesn’t kill our audiences. Last night’s pickup rehearsal was like a high school reunion. We were all SO HAPPY to be together again, and the show for the most part just flowed. We’re excited and ready!
I’m sorry to just dump bits and pieces and say that’s all your getting. But it is what it is. I do want you to know that while this has been the worst of weeks…it’s also been the best of weeks. But with a little help from my friends…I’ve dog paddled to the sand and hung on for dear life. and guess what? Standing there on that sand waiting to help me get back on my feet again?