I’ve been thinking a lot this week about fear.
This week has been one of change.
The first week of the 14 day workout/diet/fat flush/kill me slowly starve me fast routine. Workouts every single day save last night when I couldn’t drive to bootcamp because the storm that came through had hurricane force winds that bent the trees ALL THE WAY TO THE GROUND. And look. Let’s be honest. It’s not like I need any amount of discouragement to not workout on a good day, much less on day 4 when I feel like I’ve hit the wall. SO…I did some at home stuff, stretching, sitting up bla bla bla, and was back at it at 6am today. One more bootcamp tomorrow at 8:30 then two days off.
It’s been the first week of booking my own clients…that’s been weird. But my first week at Salon W is shaping up nicely. I had a good phone call with one of my new managers last night and got some details straight in my head. A few nice things…next week I get to sit in on their education class. Product Knowledge, which it’s a new line. I’ve used only TiGi or Loreal Professional. This salon uses Bumble&Bumble and perhaps a few others. Anyways I’ll get to work with and learn about that line before I start and that’s nice. Also…when I asked about my products to use on my clients I was told that for starting there, they would buy me the ENTIRE LINE of Bumble & Bumble to start out with. As well as my first set of business cards! It’s nice to know I’m not out that $ right off the bat. I’m really getting excited about this now…
So. fear? Where’s the fear, you say?
The working out place is 20-25 minutes away. So I have a drive. It’s where my head goes. Thinking time which I don’t have much off in day to day life.
Daily this week I’ve felt fear.
Fear of working out.
Fear of not being able to finish it
Fear of throwing up. (seriously)
Fear of seeming whiny.
Fear of being the fattest one in class.
Fear of starting something and then quitting.
Fear of failure.
Fear of freezing up.
Fear of the people in the new salon not liking me.
Fear of feeling left out.
Fear of financial losses.
Fear of forgetting major things in the transition.
And then I began wondering where all of the fear really comes from…what was the Original Fear that started the cycle…is there such a thing? Is there ONE FEAR, that if we reassured it with mounds and mounds of love and support, would it go away and we would be, for the most part, fearless in life? I started to peel back the layers. Well, I’m fearful of this because this happened. And that happened as a direct choice and result of this situation. Fear begat fear begat fear begat fear…until you’re at the root of it…
have you ever thought of this?
I wonder…if we all peeled back the layers of self protection and puffery and blustery loud that we wear…if we got right down to the one thing that we are the most scared of in our whole lives…and put it out there. All of us, put it out there in the middle of my back yard, one on top of another on top of another…
THEN SET IT ON FIRE!!!
I wonder how that would be? So..when you come across something in the street that stops you in your tracks this weekend, and you think, I’m scared of that…just put it in your pocket. Save it. We’ve got ourselves a bonfire in our future…
So. Anyways. That’s what I’ve been thinking about. What about you? Thinking about a holiday weekend? Me too, gentle readers. Me FREAKIN TOO!!! Here’s a little ditty to carry us off into the day…
this is todays NFTU that I saw AFTER I posted. Too good not to share:
The ease of change, Misti, is directly proportional to one’s willingness to reconsider what’s best for themselves.
I say let it be easy –
Because, Misti, when change comes it always means there’s something better.
3 thoughts on “I’ve been thinking about some stuff…”
I am afraid of staying in a place I just hate. I am afraid of not being able to find a job. I am afraid of finding that job and taking that job. But I’m taking the leap any and putting my CV out there. I’m not afraid of change. I’m more afraid of how to deal with the change.
You are fabulous.
You know what I love… besides you…
well, that we all inspire one another.
We are moving and writing about moving.
We are writing about happiness and sadness and fear and longing and life and love and what we are that makes us real.
I get muddled up in the goo and want to go completely off the reservation which in the past has only left me wearing orange, pissing off everyone I love and being separated from a great pair of shoes…
but sometimes…. when in need of crazy… I can sit down and read what you have written… what we all write and jerk my crazy train back on track before it derails and I drag in for 30 miles through my life.
I love you.
And thank you.
Most of all for you.
Because you are amazing.
You write such wonderful things.
And you are not fat.
Because I say so.
I got a cold pit of fear in my stomach just thinking about peeling back all the layers and finding out which fear was at the very center of my big rubber band ball of fears.