Struggling.

I’ve felt, for some time now, that my path is going to shift. Career-wise. I thought maybe I just needed to try a different approach, take more control, make more money…and that did help. But I had sort of a mental break/through yesterday and I really know that doing hair full time is not what I’m going to do for the rest of my life.

It IS something that I will do for the rest of my life. I will keep my license and do family and friends. I’d like to be able to work three evenings a week to keep a select few clients. But that’s getting the cart before the horse.

I don’t know WHAT exactly I’m doing to do. And that poses many questions and lot’s of grief from The Voices in my head. I know my strengths are working with people, with the public. I’m easily trainable. I can write. I’ve had many experiences in my work history to show how adaptable my strengths are. I’m going to work on a resume….and just pray about it.

For right now, I’m still doing Job 2 at the oil and gas office. I’ll work as much there as possible, while doing my clients.

My mental breakdown/through came yesterday when I realized I had a full day of clients, and got to work and had one morning haircut, then nothing untill the evening. Just a full day of cancellations/postponements. Oh, and I’ve been so frazzled doing everything and nothing well, that I totally forgot to pay the middle of the month’s bills last month. I’ve never ever ever been late on a car payment. Ever. So I got everything paid, got money deposited. Robbing Peter to pay Paul a little but will still manage to send the payoff check for my computer to Roger next week.

I can’t stand the instability. I’m 40 years old. I need to know what my paycheck is going to be each month. I need something with benefits. I need to get something into a retirement account. And it’s all making me absolutely crazy. Hot crazy Charlie Sheen mess.

But I don’t want to leap into just anything because it’s a “stable job” I want to make sure it’s the right move. And the job climate isn’t the most friendly for this kind of ridiculousness so I’ve got that going against me. And I’ve worked so hard over the last six years, building a clientele, continuing education, all of it. It’s stressful. But I know I have got to do something different.

so there’s that. I’m not really doing much else in life other than working, working out, coming home. I’m not in the mood to be social much, saving money, finding cheap or free things to do. I haven’t been to the bar since Superbowl. Everyone thinks it’s because of the “friend drama” but really it’s because I have no interest in spending money and drinking calories.

once again, I am here.
I find no comfort in this place. I find no excitement. Just…here I am again. Why can’t I just stick with anything? Where am I supposed to be? I sure as hell don’t know.

on the bright side, it’s going to be 73 today. I’m going to the office for all the day. I do have one haircut around the lunch hour. it’s a new day.

4 thoughts on “Struggling.

  1. 2 years ago… I sat here… right here and said the exact things you are saying… bills… instability… late… hot mess… why can’t I stick with one thing?… all of that. I had half an education… I’d been laid off from the dog food factory…. a huge low in my life, that whole time… add a child to the mix and a growing need to BE because I had been before… Happy. And what did you say?
    LEAP! And the net will appear.
    I hate money. Nothing will make me fall farther, faster… than money. I want it done. Taken care of. I want that worry gone.
    Once it is… there is clarity.
    Its a kind of peace you and I have not known a whole lot of.
    But we are not the kind of people that do that government job… take that stable… route, road…
    we are the leapers!
    And look what lives we have led and where the leaping has taken us…
    we continue to live lives that are not always stable…
    but are always true to what we are… deep inside.
    Years ago… you had to leap and be the actor.
    Go. I said. Go.
    And look where that led you…
    follow your bliss my love.
    Chase it down. Tackle it. And ride it.
    Its what we do.
    I am right here.
    And once in a while… I will remind you…
    we are not normal. We’ve never been average. We’ve never been buckle down extremely responsible with money girls.
    But we do live.
    What ever you do… it will be great.
    Because you are doing it… and that is what makes it so.
    Sometimes… we have to do normal and be normal… to afford the times… we do not.
    Its not forever.
    But forever is…
    what is inside of you… and what you give to the world and those around you that love you.
    I love you.

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  2. well, seriously, Audra…who can follow that? 😉

    hang on, sis…I’m about to jump in the car and drive…be there in 12 hrs or so. well, after I pack said car….but I am coming home, and then…well, that remains to be seen. but it will all be fine, you hear me? IT WILL ALL BE JUST FINE! WE WILL MAKE IT SO.

    Like

  3. Ditto Audra and Lynn!

    I am here always and forever and you are fabulous and will find a new calling and we accomplish and conquer. and warmer weather will be here (to stay) soon and i forsee us some quality time walking (for our excerise), talking ( it’s free) and solving the world’s problem’s (because we are so damn good at it!), and who knows maybe we will solve a few of our own along the sunny lane kinda way.

    Like

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