Struggling.

I’ve felt, for some time now, that my path is going to shift. Career-wise. I thought maybe I just needed to try a different approach, take more control, make more money…and that did help. But I had sort of a mental break/through yesterday and I really know that doing hair full time is not what I’m going to do for the rest of my life.

It IS something that I will do for the rest of my life. I will keep my license and do family and friends. I’d like to be able to work three evenings a week to keep a select few clients. But that’s getting the cart before the horse.

I don’t know WHAT exactly I’m doing to do. And that poses many questions and lot’s of grief from The Voices in my head. I know my strengths are working with people, with the public. I’m easily trainable. I can write. I’ve had many experiences in my work history to show how adaptable my strengths are. I’m going to work on a resume….and just pray about it.

For right now, I’m still doing Job 2 at the oil and gas office. I’ll work as much there as possible, while doing my clients.

My mental breakdown/through came yesterday when I realized I had a full day of clients, and got to work and had one morning haircut, then nothing untill the evening. Just a full day of cancellations/postponements. Oh, and I’ve been so frazzled doing everything and nothing well, that I totally forgot to pay the middle of the month’s bills last month. I’ve never ever ever been late on a car payment. Ever. So I got everything paid, got money deposited. Robbing Peter to pay Paul a little but will still manage to send the payoff check for my computer to Roger next week.

I can’t stand the instability. I’m 40 years old. I need to know what my paycheck is going to be each month. I need something with benefits. I need to get something into a retirement account. And it’s all making me absolutely crazy. Hot crazy Charlie Sheen mess.

But I don’t want to leap into just anything because it’s a “stable job” I want to make sure it’s the right move. And the job climate isn’t the most friendly for this kind of ridiculousness so I’ve got that going against me. And I’ve worked so hard over the last six years, building a clientele, continuing education, all of it. It’s stressful. But I know I have got to do something different.

so there’s that. I’m not really doing much else in life other than working, working out, coming home. I’m not in the mood to be social much, saving money, finding cheap or free things to do. I haven’t been to the bar since Superbowl. Everyone thinks it’s because of the “friend drama” but really it’s because I have no interest in spending money and drinking calories.

once again, I am here.
I find no comfort in this place. I find no excitement. Just…here I am again. Why can’t I just stick with anything? Where am I supposed to be? I sure as hell don’t know.

on the bright side, it’s going to be 73 today. I’m going to the office for all the day. I do have one haircut around the lunch hour. it’s a new day.