Can someone be good at letting things go and not be good at forgiveness?
Can someone be good at making friends and connections and not be good at letting down their wall?
How do all of those contradictions live inside of a person without making them just batty as a june bug?
I had an email on Facebook today. From someone that was once very important in my life. They were important because they made someone that I love very much very happy. And then they didn’t. And that is the way the story goes. I had an email today from this person that began with:
I’m sure you’re not jumping up and down to get a message from me and I understand that, but felt the need to say thank you
Turns out they read my blog. They read Ruint Blessings and for some reason it struck a personal note with them and they wrote to tell me about it. It was one of the most kind and generous things ever written to me, moreover, it was about something that was personal to me and that I’d put down here.
I’m still kind of sitting here with my mouth open. Dumbstruck.
What a generous thing. To be kind enough to reach out to someone that you clearly think doesn’t like you, and to give compliment after compliment…
And I am a little heartbroken because I’ve never done anything to change the mindset that I disliked them. I just kind of blessed it and let it go…without clearing the air. Or asking for forgiveness for the part I played in the debacle.
I want to be someone that is authentic and honest and genuine. I want to create that for myself and attract that into my life. I am absolutely bumfuzzled as to how I can walk on this planet, with the Bless It And Let It Go motto, yet have someone still carrying the weight of my actions around. That’s just shitty. Shitty boombalitty. But I’ve since cleared the air, and there is forward motion and amends are made and moving on…
But it got me to thinking about the other dichotomies that I’m built on…
When will I be able to really let down this wall that I live behind? I mean, I know I’m pretty transparent as I lay most everything down somewhere on the internet, or in my daily relationships, or monthly confessionals to whoever the lucky person is on the phone. I feel like I’m doing a good job at being real. And at owning it, owning my choices. But…it’s not all open. Lord. Ya’ll should see what I’ve got tucked away in this attic of mine…stuff that I keep from you to protect you. I promise you that.
And I’m not suggesting it should be all out in the open. That’s just indecent and messy and no one needs to go slipping around in that muck and mire. What I’m wondering, what I’m thinking about is the act or process of revealing ones self. Opening up to another. It doesn’t come without risk.
We’ve all got them. We’ve all got stories that made us who we are now. Some good. Some fabulous. Some tragic. But they’re ours.
I think real connection comes from sharing. From risk.
That…that right there…makes my palms sweat.
It is a real fear that I have, to tell you the truth. That the people new to me, will be halfway through my book and slam it shut. Retreat. Back away slowly.
It’s happened before, but it was covered up in lies and deciet and I was none the wiser until they told me.
This is too much. I don’t like this. I’ve been lying and going along with you but I don’t like this at all.
Yeah. So. Well.
I am a lot.
I own that.
What I’ve discovered today, is that what I thought I figured out…was not. There is work to be done. Holy hell is there work to be done. Connection is risky. Forgiveness is an active thing. It’s not stagnant. Blessing it and letting it go is one thing, but really REALLY doing that, and making sure everyone involved understands where you’re coming from…well that’s another thing.
So it’s constant, isn’t it? This thing we’re all doing? This Once Around?
The email ended with:
… But that doesn’t stop me from appreciating your gift of writing and being grateful for the lesson you taught me in your “Ruint Blessings” post.
So thanks. I hope this season treats you and those you love, well. You’re a cool cat Misti…
Thank YOU, friend.
This lesson, you taught ME.