So. Here’s the gist of it.
I failed my comps.
I won’t graduate in the Spring.
*They don’t give the exams in the Summer like previously advised.
It will have to be the Fall.
I found all of this out Friday afternoon. That morning I received my official rejection letter from OU. I knew that was happening, and really after hearing what I’d already heard about that department, and visiting the building that stank of armpit hair, I was okay with it.
Then I got the email saying I’d failed my comps.
My advisor was and has been really supportive. He sees that while it was MY lack of thesis writing that caused all of this to happen, the really awesome lack of advisement on any of it, writing a thesis, guideline/timelines, the comprehensive exams as another option, criteria for those, the building of a committee all played a major role. My advisement to take the comps this semester, when they were 9 days away and knowing I was at a conference presenting a paper was also poor advise. My third committee member, whom I’ve had for a class before and made an A, is known for failing students on their comps and for some reason refuses to answer/acknowledge any of my emails this semester.
I was never going to pass this. Ever. This was a perfect storm for guaranteed failure.
I had a tiny bit of hope, though.
The buck still lands with me. My thesis wasn’t happening. I wasn’t happy with my topic, not finding much in terms of research and certainly not writing. I should have done something different.
I’m going to always maintain that I’VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE so completely and utterly trust those with the letters by their name and take their advise anytime it’s given. But that is neither here nor there.
The bottom line is this: no graduation for at least another nine months. Student loans and financial aid are factors that are becoming dire. I meditated on that all weekend, and then yesterday I got the email saying this:
WELCOME TO OSU! WE ARE ADMITTING YOU TO THE PROGRAM AND HERE’S YOUR T.A. OFFER!
It’s like the bleach in the paper cut.
So now I have a list of things to do:
un-apply for graduation.
drop the one hour of comp exam that I enrolled in at last minute.
talk to financial aid and see where I stand with repayment.
build a new committee.
call OSU and regretfully decline their offer of the assistantship and ask about possible deferment of admission and really decide if that is what I want at all.
write an official petition to the department asking to re-take the comps in the Fall.
In juggling all of this, I’ve let my Shakespeare class slide. I got re-focused and caught up this weekend but not before two really spectacular failures in that class as well. I sent an email to my professor owning that and promising better.
This has just been a really awful rollar coaster of a thing. I’m angry, and embarrassed, and exhausted and defeated and angry again. But the extra time is what I know I needed. . . I just didn’t know I needed that much. I understand that there is a lesson here. Several in fact. But really…I just want it to be over. I just want it all to be over.
I don’t know when I’ll be solid with this turn of events. Right now I’m very mercurial. I’m stuck somewhere between “this is what I needed and I’m good enough to figure it all out” and swimming in a pool of self doubt that is reinforced by every single detail of this debacle.
It’ll be ok. It’ll be ok. It’ll be ok. It’ll be ok. It’ll be ok. It’ll be ok. It’ll be ok. It’ll be ok.
***some of you have text/emailed regarding yesterdays post. no. no one is talking about marriage. everybody calm down. that is not this…and really, after all of this word vomit today who’d want to. 😉 it’s not a prophetic dream. just a dream where solace was found at a train depot.
10 thoughts on “Spectacular Fail.”
I am sorry, Misti. Grad school has this way of tearing people down–not out of some military goal of rebuilding us, but because so many people in academia are pretty damaged people with pretty poor senses of who they are. As a result, they can really take it out on others.
What ever you do from here out, you have to keep them from defining you.
We love you anyway. It’s not much solace, but we do. And we both know that there IS an answer in this ess somewhere.
Well, dammit all to hell.
Now I wonder what window will open.
I once had an “aha!” moment at the first “real” job I had out of college. Basically, I was made to feel that I wasn’t smart enough to do the job I had been given. The thought is this: I’m a hell of a lot smarter than other people that have succeeded in this and they did it, therefore I can do it.
You may have seen the video of the kid that used to be bullied and made an animation that went viral, in it, he uses the line, “They were wrong.” For whatever reason that really stuck with me. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ltun92DfnPY)
Misti, you’re a hell of a lot smarter than everyone. School is stupid, and looking back, I feel it was a waste of my money. Your advisors were wrong. And I love you.
What Spence said…
And I love you, too.
Something very similar happened to me. My advisor didn’t even read my thesis before I presented it to my committee (a date he’d chosen). They really should offer a class on how to deal with the politics of grad school. It will be OK. I completely re-wrote my thesis (on my own) and my committee loved it despite my advisor. That initial fail was a huge punch in the gut, but it taught me where I needed to toughen up.
You have all the strength and ability to make the choices for what you want from this. And you have all the love and support for whatever that may be. Everyone is proud of you and none of us have any doubts about you.
Never let someone else determine your worth!!! God will open another door or better still a window. I have walked into graduate classes that smelled worse than armpit hair?? Love you, too!
It will be okay. It will be okay. It will be okay.
You just need to stay around there for a little bit longer. You got this. Much love, my friend! XOXOXO
Okay… So, we regroup and figure it out. I know nothing about committees and Thesis, and it’s been a long damn time since I’ve thought about anything “college” (ahem, I mean anything associated with school-work “college”. I have referenced “party college” twice in the last two weeks.. Beer in the snow on “snow days” and when I walked out a door of a trailer home to find no steps and fell 3′ to the ground..)… So we’re here. Facetime soon. Xoxo. Love you
Theoretically, Michaelangelo had this written in his study; it loosely (very loosely) translates as, “I am still learning.”
You’ve heard it before; nothing is lost. Nothing is wasted. You have not been eliminated from the path, you are simply taking a rest period. Refocusing. Learning from lack and applying new knowledge to old outlooks.
You are in place. Breathe. Annnnnd THROW.