Rent Free

I’ve been letting work and people from the work world live rent free in my head this entire weekend. Starting Tuesday night and full steam ahead until this very moment.

I’m uneasy, anxious, sideways, and have a general unshakeable funk.

This is the feeling I get when

a) I’ve done something wrong and need to correct it.

b) I’m surrounded by toxic energy.

In this case the answer is c) all of the above.

I’ve worked in the garden, researched the way to make my ill feeling/looking plants feel better and taken long gorgeous walks that broke a sweat. We went and bought a few bird feeders for the yard and I’m excited about that. I’ve spent time with friends who knew me when, gazed out on glorious vistas, laughed and relaxed for consecutive moments. I’ve been good not to emotionally eat (not counting the leftover cornbread salad that I just scarfed for brunch) or to imbibe in the alcohol. I don’t want to waste any points.

(did I tell you I went back to Weight Watchers a few weeks ago? All is going well on that front. Maybe I’ll say more about it later. Maybe not.)

Bonus Mom lost her brother to fucking cancer this weekend. Bonus Dad has his melanoma removal surgery on the 3rd. As is with most things cancer related, I’m furious that both of these events are happening, and completely shut down on the entire issue.

However, underlying all of the above is this constant prattle of voices. Rewriting a meeting that happened. Rewriting another meeting that happened. Thinking about what I really want. Thinking about what is the root of this anxiety and unease. Trying to dissect behavior and choices and conversations to get to the real root of the funk.

It comes down to personalities that are extremely negative and toxic that are doing everything in their power to remove focus from the target goal of serving girls. It’s seeping into all of the other work that is happening and I am watching the last year’s work dissolve the way those giant buildings go down after the explosives have been detonated. One giant kaboom, then things just slowly melt before your eyes.

That’s what I see happening.

I’m at a loss to stop it.

I should’ve made different choices in the beginning. Maybe that would’ve helped.

Maybe not.

Right now, today, I am so sideways that if it really weren’t for believing in the mission of this work, I would walk away in a heartbeat. If it weren’t for the staff that I work alongside, I would walk away without looking back. I might give a big fat Fuck You to three or four people or I might never acknowledge their existence again. Who knows. It doesn’t mean that’s what I’m going to do. It’s just the space I’m living in since Tuesday.

Learning lessons. Managing expectations. Getting clear on what I need in order to live a life that isn’t consumed by toxic energy.

I guess that’s what’s happening here this weekend.

Really, I just would like a week or weekend away, where true relaxation happens, disconnection from the phone and texts and messages that come through that work phone. (Thank God I keep a real life phone too. I usually let the work phone die on the weekend which I believe saves my life)

Last night I got to sit outside in the glorious place with Jack and Sarah and Isabella and Julie and Mark and we talked and laughed and ate and spent time just being. In 10 days I leave for NYC. I’m holding on to those with both hands.