It was a puke and rally kind of day yesterday.

After the evisceration that happened to my paper, I immediately took refuge in the rabbit hole of doom and gloom and nothing nice. By the time I got home yesterday morning, I’d worked myself into a crying jag that lasted till about errrmmmmmmm….4pm. No joke. I had to self medicate a tiny bit just to get through our group presentation.

Ridiculous. So ridiculous.

I met with my professor. She was everything that an advocate for a student should be. The experience reminded me so much of the sessions I had with Ma in her office during my USAO years that I cried more out of nostalgia.

She gave me an amazing talk. Pep talk. Informative talk. Woman to woman talk.

In this semester, when I’ve so tunnel visioned my life to focus only on this, and then with the advent of the new relationship and my focus onto that, I have been sorely missing my friends. This came just at the time it was needed the most.

Life usually delivers that way, yet it’s so easy to forget.

The paper, is going to be finished today. I’ve cleared my work schedule, re-booked all of my clients for another day, and am about to get dressed and head to the library where I shall live until it’s all finished. My prof gave me insight, detail, even research and ways to look at it.

“The reason I’m being so hard on you is because I know where you want to go. I know what you want to do. I couldn’t look you in the eye if I let you move forward into a ph.d program and not learn these lessons here, in a safe space, where I can help you.”

Goddangit. I’d just gotten the tears under control.

Last night was my final class session for Literary Criticism. I have a final next wednesday and really great notes to study from. I have no idea about the grade in that class. We’ll just see, right?

I have to say, this guy of mine? He’s aces. I have behaved like a crazy person, who on top of that, went crazy, this week. He has continued to hold my hand, to offer words of comic genius that carry me through the day, and to remain this calming, steady influence while I’ve spun around and around and around and around again. I don’t know who’s looking more forward to the end of this semester. Really.

With that, I’m off to put on pants.

The library awaits.

 

It’s been a full day of Ridiculous over here.

I met with the graduate department chair at OU this afternoon, and had a really nice, informational meeting about the program, about funding via teaching assistantships, about the application process. I felt really at ease and comfortable and left there thinking…”I can totally do this.”

Being on the OU campus, I had a nice little walk about tour and an after meeting coffee break with my Mr. and then squatted the rest of the afternoon at his house to finish writing my profile paper for literary criticism that’s due tomorrow. It was really a lovely day.

Until. . .

I got the critique of my 19th C paper back from my professor which called for a major re-write, re-organization as well as additional research.

I thought I was going to vomit. I still might, but I’m not giving up the delicious pasta dinner we had for paper stress. No way man.

After spending what could have been a minute or an hour on the side of the bathtub working my way through a meltdown/huh-huh-huh ugly cry, I’m better. I’m not great. My voices have decided to use it as a call to arms and are absolutely screaming in my head, all sorts of shitty things.

“You can’t write a paper and you want to be a professor?”

“You were going to use THIS as your writing sample for the application? You are NEVER getting accepted. You aren’t smart enough. Not even close to being smart enough to do this.”

and the succinct yet substantial:

“You suck.”

I’m doing the best I can to stick a ball gag in each of their mouths. I really really am.

I’ve re-arranged my work schedule for Thursday to allow for the entire day to be spent writing. The paper isn’t due until 5:00 pm on Friday. My professor has given major chunks of criticism and suggested edits. These things, I’m hoping with a dose of space and time added to it, will all morph into an acceptable A paper for this class.

The thing that really really sucks…

I thought it was good. I knew that organization wasn’t perfect and citations weren’t polished, but I thought that I had really grounded my argument in theory, had shown credible and intelligent proof of that and had finished with content that was really, without needing too much editing, a pretty good initial product.

So. There’s that.

I really really really cannot wait to look back on this post and smile with the relief that it all worked out. Because right now…meltingdown is the only thing I’m really sure that I can do.

Remember when Sunday Funday started with rolling out of bed from a night of debauchery, heading to the local hot brunch spot for some sustenance that included but wasn’t limited to, a spicy bloody mary and some kind of sauce on top of whatever you ordered to eat, followed by posting up on a bar stool for the noon NFL game, sipping a red beer with Zing Zang, and easing into an afternoon full of laughter and stories about tripping over midgets that turned out to be fire hydrants?*

Yeah.

Me too. (she sighed, wistfully longing for time gone by)

Today I’m ass deep in historical context for a short story by Kate Chopin, a short essay on the 19th-C novel The Hidden Hand, and more research on feminist theory, and the critic Nina Baym over which my final paper (due Wednesday) is over.

Ya’ll…it’s 73 gawddanged degrees outside.

On December 2nd.

With the completing of the first thing on that list up there, and having run out of printer ink for more article-printing-out, I’ve decided to hit the shower, run some errands, and get a pedicure. (I’ll read while someone works on these hooves)

It’s not a bloody mary and a patio. . .

But it will have to do.

 

*the midget/fire hydrant story is a real thing. you will have to hear it told from Kizz though. I was on all fours in the middle of a Chicago sidewalk… I really can’t tell it so well.

 

I am eating this week.

My paper is really all but two pages and a works cited away from being finished. The due date was pushed back, so while I would like to have it off of my plate, I do have room to finish, let it breathe, come back and tweak before I turn it in. My next paper is due Wednesday, so that’s the pressing matter.

I finished officially enrolling in my final semester. Lotta hoops to jump through, but I jumped. Done. Check that off the list.

Last night I began the process of applying to OU. I have a meeting with the Graduate Department on Tuesday to discuss the ph.d program, and what needs to begin happening in terms of applying for that. Their date is Jan 15. I’ve printed off letters of recommendation forms, assistantship forms, all kinds of forms. The rabbit hole that was the website made me a little nuts last night. It’s maybe one of the worst websites I’ve ever tried to navigate. So thankful to Kizz for doing some prelim scouting for me on that! With the meeting set, and the safety net that is my personal guide to the campus (Mark works there) I feel on track. I’m working on my statement of purpose, as well as my writing sample. Trying to figure out who should submit my letters of rec is the thing most pressing on my list right now. Have you done this? Any of you? What was your process?

Speaking of Kizz…she’s got a cabaret show in her imminent future. I’m so proud. I wish like anything I could be in the audience. In place of me, if you’re in the vicinity please make plans to go and support! What’s not to love about an evening with amazing talent, great music, and witty banter? Nothing. Nothing at all. So. GO. GO. GO. please.

Back into the salon today, and I’m eternally grateful. November ate me whole financially. WHOLE. Three out of the four Saturdays were not at work. Holidays creeped up on us. I’ve opened my book up to adjust for after finals and before Christmas. Hopefully we can eek this year out with what’s left of student loans and the incoming clients and get through the holiday with some sort of grace and no ramen noodles.

The weather has been brisk and chilly this week, yet this weekend we are back into the 70’s. Windy, but warm. I’ve got plans to decorate for Christmas, possibly outside too. This pleases me. A great deal. I want for nothing more than to have my house decorated, and homey, and watch Christmas Vacation and Love, Actually. Nothing gets me in the holiday spirit more than that.

This time of year is one that, for many, incite struggles and grief and anxiety. I’m not participating in that this year. There are new avenues in my life that must be negotiated, and a few days ago I was caught in the panic of it all, and then…nope. I’m just not going to do it. Everything will work out, without my adding stress and wrinkles to the situation by fretting over situations that should just be easy. So, in that vein, I look forward to it this year.

How about you? Are you gearing up? What do you do to get into the holiday spirit?

Time for more coffee and some hair bangin.

Peaceout, ya’ll.

Two Weeks.

We are down to two weeks of scheduled class time.

One week of finals.

I have a paper due this Friday. One due the following Wednesday, then two finals the Wednesday after that.

Yesterday I filled out the paperwork and submitted it for proper signatures. Tomorrow I’ll pick it up from the Dean’s office and jump through the final hoops to finish officially enrolling in my final semester. I filed for graduation while I was at it yesterday, as well. It’s a lot terrifying. But I’ve packed everything I owned into a Toyota hatchback and moved across the country to live and work with people I’d never smelled before, so I got this.

Today I finish the first paper. I did a rough draft before Thanksgiving and it, quite frankly, is awful. I don’t know how rough the professor had in mind when she made that assignment, but looking at it yesterday, it was rough enough for me to start fearing for that grade.

I’ve got sheets off the bed and into the laundry, the livestock fed, coffee made. I have a webinar for LTYM at noon, and must hit the bank and grocery so I will eventually leave the house. Maybe here in a minute so that I can get back and get settled in to write. I want to make some chili. . . perhaps some sweet potato/black bean…perhaps some just normal chili. We’ll see. I left my crockpot at Marks last week, which feels odd when it comes to making soup. I’m so addicted to that thing. Anyways, that’s what’s going on over here.

Focus.

Productivity.

Success.

Eye of the Tiger…it’s my theme song today. It’s my motto.

I can’t believe this week is over and that we are on the precipice of a new one. It seems that for weeks I’ve been looking forward to this one, with reunions planned, and deadlines being met and getting one step closer to the finishing of the semester and time spent with those that fill my heart with more love than one person deserves…

It was a packed week. Packed.

I stayed in Norman for the majority of it. I reunioned with friends. Sang and laughed and drank and laughed some more. I met family and played Princesses and helped build a gingerbread house. I ate delicious food and drank spiked coffee and slept in and napped on couches and watched football and did homework (totally telling the truth there) and slipped into a routine that felt as comfortable as a pair of 501’s from the 80’s.

It was bliss.

I’m back in my own house this afternoon, and there are feathers and hairball drippings that were left for me. There’s laundry to be done and some cleaning of floors. I’ve got a ton of reading to do before class tomorrow. Time has become that thing that both taunts and tricks me, tempts and tortures.  I want things to go slow. And to speed up.

My crazy brain kicked into high gear last night and into today and while I’ve figured out the root of the issue and have somewhat successfully quietened the voices, there is residue that lingers…the sticky, tacky residue that can only be cleaned by a fierce frenzy that includes Comet and vacuuming. So that’s where I’m starting. Time to clean the house. Right the chaos. Prepare for the Christmas decorating next weekend. I wish that I’d decorated this weekend. This is when I usually do it, and it makes the house so…homey. I wish it was done and the house was clean and the things were put up and all of that…all of that…

but I wouldn’t change a thing.

Not one single second.

Thankful?

Doesn’t even begin to touch what’s going on over here.

Many pieces of things, scraps of conversation, bits of lists that are floating around in my brain, in my life. I’m doing my best these next few weeks to stay focused, to stay organized, to meet deadlines and to navigate the end of this semester with some grace and dignity that was not apparent last week.

I know it’s only Monday, but so far, so good! 🙂

This week is full of friends and reunions and laughter and music. I will meet new family, and be thankful for a whole new life that has opened up before me.

Thanksgiving kicked off with Friendsgiving last night at the grown up house of my sweet soul sister and her husband to be. Surrounded by friend, true friends, who are truly happy for me, we are happy for each other in this life, eating great food and sipping on wassail…it was bliss. These are the people in my life that I don’t worry about. They don’t lie. They don’t backstab. They are authentic and honest and just really, living their lives with the intention of doing good. That’s what I love. I told them that I feel loved the way that I love them.

That’s what this once around is all about, isn’t it?

I’ve deleted some drama from my life this year. That seems to happen more often than it doesn’t as time goes by. I can honestly tell you, unless someone brings it up, it just doesn’t cross my mind anymore. That’s progress.

I’ve printed off the requirements and procedures for enrolling in thesis hours, for submitting and defending my thesis…holy shit ya’ll. I need to get an appointment with the Graduate Advisor at OU and schedule a visit. Perhaps next week I can do that.

I’ve been researching a paper for my 19th C women’s class, which I also submitted to a conference in New Mexico in February. It got accepted! WOOT. The rough draft is due Wednesday. I’ve got some writing to do this afternoon. I’ve been reading and mentally organizing my thoughts. Today it’s time to start putting it down on paper.

Mark installed a memory upgrade on my computer this weekend.

Seriously. He’s put gas in my car, aired up my tires *not a euphemism, re-set the notification lights on my dashboard, upgraded my computer….I don’t even have words. Flowers are nice. They are gorgeous. We know that. But that…that list up there? Are you KIDDING ME?

sigh.

We get to gather with our Harvest Fest Group tonight. I don’t know when I’ve been more excited.

Everything changed on that mountain.

For the better.
Forever.

So, it’s time to giddyup. Gather the bits and the pieces and put things in place, and just prepare for a week of soul filling goodness.

Happy Monday Ya’ll

Way back when This Grad School Thing was new, fresh and full of more questions than answers, I got some sage advice from Bill. He said, “Everyone is juggling, Misti. Everyone. The secret is to figure out which balls you can drop that bounce, and which ones break.”

Yesterday, I broke more than I bounced.

I missed a deadline, I had to refocus the thesis and research of my paper, the first rough draft of which is due Monday, my abstract for the conference I want to present this at is due tomorrow so this all readjusted that. There was a point where I found myself in my professors office and just burst into tears.

Not at all unlike those sessions in Ma/Ann’s office at USAO.

I got the director/producer’s manuel for the Listen To Your Mother Show this week. I’m compiling a folder of all the information. Once this semester is successfully finished, once the applications and letters of rec and letters of intent and all the proper information has been turned in on December 15…then I’ll jump into that.

Yesterday was one of the days that….ya’ll…it just tried to swallow me hole. It was defeating. And it sucked.

There is just a lot on my plate for the next few weeks. And I am tired. My brain is tired. My everything is tired.

So it’s time to dig a little deeper and figure out where the energy is going to come from that will get me through one more month. Four more weeks and then . . .

my future will be in the hands of people that are not me

my semester will be finished and nothing else to be done about it

the end of this adventure will be not only within my grasp, but so close I can taste it

I don’t know quite what to make of all that.

It actually won’t matter if I can’t get this paper finished. And finished well. And get the abstract written and submitted. And get The Hidden Hand read by Monday. And get to work today and bang out hair nonstop from 10am until 8pm.

I’ll get some rest next week. Some rest and some good time with people that I love. Refueling, refilling.

But today, today I’m back to juggling.

This time, however, I’m using only the bouncy balls.

I’m sitting here this morning with my hot cup of coffee, my soft pants on, the cats are snuggled in their individual spots. They all get snuggly when the season changes. It’s cold outside. The weather has shifted, a new season is clearly upon us.

A new season.

Isn’t that the truth?

It was a really full weekend, full of friends and laughter and tests both literal and metaphorical and soup and ghost clouds and and love. So much love.

My birthday seemed to appear out of nowhere this year. I kept forgetting about it. “Oh yeah! Thank you!” was my normal response. Facebook, of course, is a grand reminder of another year passing. I spent a few narcissistic hours perusing the well wishes on my wall after I got home from the GRE. The texts and phone calls and cards and gift boxes and presents and just all of it.

It was a really great weekend.

Mark met a good chunk of the tribe. We call it the panel interview. I met his people that way, too. It felt good for my people to meet him, to talk and laugh with him. For them to see us together, and how happy I am…that was a solidifying piece of the puzzle. I had said earlier that it seemed real in Norman, where we were around his friends and out and about, but up here it still seemed like a dream. But now…all good things.

It was my favorite, the back yard gathering. The catastrophic winds kind of…blew but being surrounded by friends what have known you for the majority of your life, good food, cold beers, a lesson in drinking scotch (oy) all add up to just the best way of celebrating a new year.

After meeting Frank and Suzy last night,  for a post-pre-birthday dinner at Republic, we went to see Anthony Bourdain on his tour. Was it a book tour? Why was he touring exactly? We don’t know. But it was good, he was entertaining. He is, in person, just as he is on his show. It seems that he is just as authentic as he appears. It was a good night.

It’s time now, to buckle down. Get focused on the impending deadlines. I’ve got several that are barreling down the pike. Thanksgiving is next week, gatherings and celebrations and reunions abound. This week, I’m going to pound out some work so that next week I can relax and play a bit.

This semester will be over before I know it.

But there is a new season upon us…and I’m looking forward with great gulps of excitement.

Happy Monday Ya’ll.

 

 

I’ve told you over these past few weeks that I’ve got something working that I couldn’t tell you about yet, that things were falling into place in such a way that my horizon was full of excitement and joy and creativity and hope. Throw in a huge dose of fear and nerves and a few of the voices screaming “ARE YOU KIDDING? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO DO THAT?” while they stamp their feet and set things on fire…but today has come.

I can finally tell you what’s up.

My application to produce and direct a Listen To Your Mother Show in Oklahoma City has been

 

ACCEPTED!!!!!!

I’ve known for a few weeks. So I’ve been waking up at 2am working on details in my head.

I’m smart enough to have already built a team that will be so successful, we’re going to make it look easy. Julie Bohannon is my co-director/co-producer here locally. Heather Smith Davis aka http://www.minivanmama.com is my co-producer in Bartlesville. We three bring a set of tools to the table that will not only compliment each other, but a commitment to the project that will transcend the work behind the scenes.

I’ve got a lot of details to work out. This is going to be an adventure like no other. But I am profoundly changed by my personal experince in the Northwest Arkansas show this spring. The validation of having my story complimented from a stranger in the audience, “your story is my story”…I want to share that feeling with my city.

The stories are out there. And they are necessary. The telling of them is necessary.

I am honored with the charge to bring them to the 405.

I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, I ask that you share this information with EVERYONE. Repost, link to your social network, tell your friends.

Because something magical is heading our way, and we don’t want anyone to miss out!.