Last night, I got home and I was wound tighter than an eight-day-clock.

Lists. Lists. Lists. To Do Lists.

Lists for school.

Lists for the house to prepare for leaving in 48 hours.

Lists for packing.

Lists for things that need to be done for Delbert’s impending wedding.

Appointments for hair and feet and nails and spraytan.

I packed a bit, tried on hateful clothing and made more lists about what I needed to replace it. Sent frantic texts to Stephanie who calmed my ruffled fluffy…oh so fluffy…feathers. Made another list.

Wrote out a list of all the things–A LIST OF ALL THE THINGS!– that I needed to do today, along with times to schedule it so that I can get it all done. ALL DONE!

I’ve got today, in the morning, and a brief moment between classes tomorrow that aren’t booked with things to do or with appointments with professors, or with library time. So…yeah. Once again, look how well I’m managing my time, ya’ll! Wheeeee!!! No hands!~ No hands!

Speaking of hands, let’s see a show of them. How many of you think that the minute I crawled into bed sometime after 11pm that the lists and the voices and the things to do just STOPPED?

Mom-put down your hand. I didn’t take a pill.

I was up until almost 4am. Two bowls of cheerios and an ambien later…I’m awake.

But it’s after 9am and I’m piled with kitties who want to snuggle and I feel a moment of panic and then I feel the breeze and just take a moment. I pad into the kitchen to start the coffee and feed the livestock. I actually turned on the tv and realized what the date was.

And I stopped.

And I took a moment.

And I reflected, as so many of us will do today, on the 11 years passed, and on that day.

I am profoundly changed. We all are, I believe.

I am profoundly grateful for the chance to change, to have experienced everything I’ve experienced in these 11 years. . . including all of the ugly, including the ugly place I was in when it happened. . . because I’m no longer there.

None of us are.

For me, personally, today is going to be about living each moment in awareness. I’m going to take my list, but whatever doesn’t get finished, just doesn’t get finished. I’m going to pay attention and be hyper-aware of this life that I am living, and the people in it that I love so much.

And if that’s not a reason to slow my roll a bit today, then I don’t know what is.

Last week was a testament to the phrase “I’m chasing my tail.” I was forever just ten steps behind my shadow and could NOT get caught up. All direct results of the choices I made with my time, so let me get that out here from the beginning. I take full responsibility and am not blaming anything other than the fact that I am not independently wealthy, so as could have a house of employees to cook, clean, do laundry, pay bills, pack for trips, shop for things to take on trips, while I do homework, become brilliant at time management and live happily ever after in Lake Como.

Yeah, it’s all on me.

This week I was desperate in my online class. It’s one that can get away in the blink of an eye. I knew the weekend was coming up, and I had tentative plans to go to Arkansas with Lynn, and see my family. That did not happen. By the time Thursday night got here, it was perfectly clear that once I got off work on Saturday I wouldn’t be leaving the house again until today. Which sucks because I am really really missing my family. I was talking to a brand new client on Saturday, and we “know” each other because of our hometown and of FB but we really don’t KNOW each other and I started talking about my sister and just started crying.

great first impression.

*my stylist needs a mood stabilizer.

But I did everything. did you hear me?

I DID ALL OF THE THINGS!

book finished, homework posted=check

short essay written, uploaded=check

group project managed, edits made, revisions polished=check

biography written=check

group project uploaded=check

short essay written and uploaded=check

registered and paid for the GRE test=check. I’ll be testing out on October 9th. It’s a Tuesday. The Tuesday before we leave for Harvest Fest for Fall Break. Oh the stress relief I will feel THEN.

So, all of that to say this: I’m not getting behind this week. I’m staying ON TRACK and focused. I’m researching ideas, going to begin pre-writing papers, I’ve got some notes to discuss with another professor today about submitting a paper into our literary conference and presenting.

Oh yeah, I’m flying to San Diego on Thursday morning.

So I’ve also got to gather some essentials for that, get the house spiffed up and stocked up for Laura to live here. (*my remote control to the tv that controls power and volume is brokedown. I need that to be fixed in an easy manner and really just want someone to tell me what to do. any thoughts?) I’ve got to get laundry clean. I have a fear of showing up and looking like the fat ole hillbilly cousin. Hair done tomorrow so that will help with the body spiffing.

It’s kind of amazing isn’t it?

If anyone needs me, I’ll be over here.

Chasing my tail.

Mrs. Dalloway was our assignment for this week. Read the book, post eight times, write a paper over one of the three texts we’ve covered and support your argument. It’s a short one, no outside sources needed. It’s due tonight. That’s next on my list of assignments today.

I’m having frustration with this class because it is doing exactly what it’s supposed to do. Cram 16 weeks of work into 8. However it’s too much. I’m not getting much more out of it other than crossing a title off of my To Read list. And that sucks on several levels. For one, that’s not going to help me one bit when I need to access the knowledge in the future. Two, these online classes are more expensive, so here…TAKE more of my money! Whatever! And three…I am having such a brain expanding time in my other two classes because we’re taking time. Only five novels in one class. Spending more time looking at the elements and genres and the lens by which critics use to expand it. I’m jealous that the texts we are reading in this class don’t get that same kind of attention.

Having said that, I highly recommend that if you DO decide to read Mrs. Dalloway, watch The Hours afterwards. It’s really a lovely, interconnected piece that layers the impact of the book onto the lives of fully realized and interesting characters. I’m not a fan of Nicole Kidman because her face doesn’t move, but in this, behind that prosthetic nose? She was really lovely. I like Virginia Woolf. I like her words. I like the way she strings them together and takes us someplace or makes us think differently. This text has the stream of consciousness rambly bambly element to it and much of the class really came out NOT in favor of it because of that. THAT’s where I wish we could stop and say, Woah. Everyone is hating on this. Let’s look at why and try to being to understand the element and why it’s being used by the author.

Maybe we’re supposed to do that on our own.

Maybe.

Maybe I like being spoon fed a bit longer than some students.

I’m a grown up. . . so that’s my prerogative.

Nanny nanny boo boo.

 

I’m behind this week, on reading my Virginal Woolf book and posting, on writing, on two group projects…I’m not leaving my house after work tomorrow and I’ll get caught up but man oh man I hate this feeling.

It’s the feeling I always had about two or three weeks into Algebra, or any other math class, and I’d get behind and then I’d just say fuckit, and set my goals on fire and walk away. Then stress at the end of the semester.

I don’t want to do that. If I set anything on fire it’ll be the two bags of trash/bills/papers that are waiting in the office for the burn ban to be overturned.

It’ll happen. I’m READY to read and write. I just have to do some hair first.

 

Yesterday, a long awaited thing happened. The Listen To Your Mother Videos went live. All 10 cities that participated in the 2012 show, individual stories by men and women across the country, talking about motherhood in some vein are showcased. It’s a beautiful thing. I cannot wait to watch them all. 

I remember when Elizabeth told me about it. I had a piece that I thought would work, but it was wordy and clunky. I IMMEDIATLY emailed Bill Guy, (my HS English teacher, friend, spirit guide) and said HELP ME EDIT THISwehavetwodaysbeforeit’sdue. And he did. Kindly and gently he took things out, made suggestions for rewrites. We carved and carved and out came the piece that I sent in to be considered for auditons.

I got a call back, moved appointments and drove to Northwest Arkansas to read for two ladies who had great welcoming smiles. One of them was wearing the same Toms wedges that I was so…you know…shoe karma! Woot!

I was accepted into the show. It became profound experience in my life.

I am even more convinced than EVER that Oklahoma City should be included in the cities participating next Spring. I want this for my state. It’s a beautiful experience that is also a fundraiser for local charities. Good things come from this. Good things for everybody.

I leave you with the video of my reading. There is something very revealing about actually being on youtube, reading about your failed relationships and unused uterus. This place is a safe place. It was really…well just scary, doing it live. Totally worth it. It’s not just my story. There are many others like me, living a life in this way. Validation. That feels good, always.

I send out a special thanks to Bill, and to Elizabeth. For without them, this wouldn’t have happened.

I send out much love and thanks to those women listed…profound love.

With each child’s name, I thought Ohhh I haven’t seen him/her in way too long. I miss them! I also have new names to add to that, new faces that I love. But this list, it stands.

Have a great weekend! If you can…call your mother. Tell her that you love her. And thank her for not wringing your neck when you were growing up.

I’m a little sideways.

Which is dumb, because lot’s of good things area happening. I just came off of a great weekend. I’ve got a reunion and facetime with Audra and Delb and Darci and many others on Friday night. I got brand new windows yesterday.

All good things.

But my sinus is funky. One side of my head is clogged and I’ve got tension about school. I’m falling behind this week. I’m not behind yet, officially…and I should be able to rally and be ready and caught up by Monday.

But I’m treading water.

And I’m tired.

I don’t know how those water polo players do it.

My plan to get all caught up on homework today was a silly silly silly one.

The contractors arrived at 8:30 am and began replacing my windows.

I’ve been moving from room to room, trying to stay out of their way, trying to get stuff done.

The windows, they are gorgeous. All are replaced, and now the “finishing them out” part of the process, where the caulking and trim and finishing bits happen. The windows are gorgeous. I wish I had new curtains. I hate the ones in my living room. Blergh. I want something different. I need new ones for the guest room, too. See what happens? I get one thing done and it makes me want more more more.

I got an estimate to paint the outside.

It’s more than I thought.

I’m going to have to see about insurance and finances. I’ve got to get an invoice to them, get the rest of my funds and see where I am.

Hopefully these guys will be finished up soon. Then I can put my house back together, run my errands, come home to a newly sealed structure and get all my reading done.

Right now, I’ve pretty much given up on anything other than cruising the internet and doing some preliminary research for a group project.

 

It’s always interesting, the let down after an weekend full of friends and plans and socializing and fully enjoying a three day weekend.

I’ve been napping most all the day long. In between episodes of Game of Thrones, that is. I’ve looked at homework, pulled the next novel for class and put it right here close by me so that at any moment, I might pick it up and begin. I’ve checked into my group project web email to see that none of my group for my 19th-C class has checked in. And I folded a load of towels and put them away.

That’s pretty much it.

I think it’s ok, I’ll get some reading finished tonight, and besides, this weekend was already full of accomplishments.

I cut off Cindy’s hair.

She’d been growing it to donate, as part of her Life List, for about two years now. It was perhaps, one of the most interesting experiences, most emotional experiences, I’ve been a part of in the salon.

We cut the giant pony. In order to get the majority of the length, some bits came out uber short, but I knew where I was going with this cut and knew it would work out. I also know how fast her hair grows, and where it’s going to be in a blink of an eye.

The pony itself wasn’t the emotional part.

As I cut, flicking the weight of the hair onto the floor, section by section, I could feel the change.  We both began to see the girl emerge…this girl that had been gone awhile. Not in exile,  she was on a journey. . . and with each flick of my shears, with each snip and cut. . . she began to return.

Layers of emotions, of thoughts flooded my heart.

This is what she looked like before…before. 

There was a lot of weight that was attached to that pony tail.

And…

Here she is.

It was a rising.

Joy rising.

Strength rising.

Life rising.

We laughed. We cried. We got massages and ate Burn Your Face Off Salsa. In between that we hosted a bevy of friends in the back yard and amidst the tiki torches and under the full moon, we laughed some more. We understood the fleeting promise of time and we all just stopped for a bit, and soaked each other up.

It was full. It was perfect.

Today was quiet.

It’s always a little sad…because it’s is altogether too short.

Have you read this? The Good Soldier?

It was written by Ford Maddox Ford. The title is included in many of the  “Top 100 Books of all time in the history of ever happily ever after” lists.

I liked it.

It was easier than James Joyce. I liked that. It also used the “unreliable narrator” device and I do enjoy that as well. I was talking on one of the threads about liking this device and many were agreeable, if not indifferent to it, with one post voting on the negative side of it.

I decided to throw out some examples of this device used in film.

The Ususal Suspects. 

Primal Fear. 

American Psycho. 

I think it’s maybe easier to grasp the concept of the device if it’s seen, and maybe after that it’s easier to adjust to in a novel.

Maybe?

What do you think? Do you have any other examples of the “Unreliable Narrator”? Throw ’em out here!

 

 

I’m ready for a long weekend. And by long weekend, I really mean weekend. I’m booked back to back all day at the salon today, and I think tomorrow is busy, too. Saturday however, is a pleasure.

Cindy arrives tomorrow night. I’ll be bartending (my last gig till the end of Sept) when she arrives but she’s got a key to Brokedown Palace and can make her way accordingly. Saturday I get up and go to the salon for a titch of hair banging, then I’m finished. I took the afternoon off.

She and I have groupon massages booked. Thirty five bucks for ninety minutes of massage? Yes please. We both need one. We’ll then gather the necessary provisions and return back to the house and get things ready for our friends to arrive. I’m going to grill some burgers and hot dogs and lay out the tables and fill the ice chests and light the tiki torches and play some music and we shall all just sit and relax. (I won’t sit and relax. There’s going to be 20 people at my house. But most everyone will sit and relax. That’s the goal)

I’ve been looking forward to this weekend for days. Knowing we get a break from class, (but not from assigned homework or reading) knowing I get to see Cindy and our friends, it’s been a beacon on the calendar. Just one day closer to the weekend. One day closer to the weekend.

I have completely forgotten that football begins Saturday! Woot! Finally football season! College season is usually lost on me because of the working, but I like to watch and get excited anyway. I wonder if this time next year I’ll have another school to cheer for? I wonder…

Have a great day. Enjoy your weekend. I’ve got an hour to get ready and get to work. Peaceout, ya’ll!

Tuesday is my day.

No classes to attend.

No heads to bang.

Just me. Errands, and chores, homework and naps, all or nothing. (Who am I kidding, there’s always homework)

Last week I spent three hours running errands, I was frenetic and worried and yes it was the first week of school and I was figuring it all out but a phone call from my sister put things into perspective.

“Maybe Tuesday needs to be YOUR day. Maybe you just lay on the couch and read, maybe you take that time to study for the GRE, maybe you just sleep late and buy groceries or throw in a load of laundry. But you need a day.”

This coming from a woman who has her shit together, scheduled, meals lined out for the month posted on the fridge, kids and husband cared for as well as our parental units. Dude. If SHE’s telling me to take a day, I’m taking a day.

When I got home from night class last night, after a usual 8 hour day of nonstop classes/reading/researching/juggling deadlines I climbed into bed with the thought “I can sleep in. And I won’t feel guilty about it.”

I did just that.

I crawled out of bed after 9am, made coffee, returned emails, fed the livestock, watched some television. I read half of my Brit Novel, “The Good Soldier” and posted a handfull of homework posts. I napped. I got two more books in the mail, and ordered three more. It seems that this semester my classes have all synced up. THESE are the classes I’ve been waiting for! So…I’m ordering everything my professors suggest. I did pick my paper topics for Literary Criticism and can now begin to research. I printed out two articles for 19th-C women.

So, I feel good about this “lazy” day.

Tonight, I’m going to do a load of laundry, put up the clean clothes on the guest bed, and finish work for tomorrow’s class.

And just like that…it’s Wednesday.