Two Weeks.

We are down to two weeks of scheduled class time.

One week of finals.

I have a paper due this Friday. One due the following Wednesday, then two finals the Wednesday after that.

Yesterday I filled out the paperwork and submitted it for proper signatures. Tomorrow I’ll pick it up from the Dean’s office and jump through the final hoops to finish officially enrolling in my final semester. I filed for graduation while I was at it yesterday, as well. It’s a lot terrifying. But I’ve packed everything I owned into a Toyota hatchback and moved across the country to live and work with people I’d never smelled before, so I got this.

Today I finish the first paper. I did a rough draft before Thanksgiving and it, quite frankly, is awful. I don’t know how rough the professor had in mind when she made that assignment, but looking at it yesterday, it was rough enough for me to start fearing for that grade.

I’ve got sheets off the bed and into the laundry, the livestock fed, coffee made. I have a webinar for LTYM at noon, and must hit the bank and grocery so I will eventually leave the house. Maybe here in a minute so that I can get back and get settled in to write. I want to make some chili. . . perhaps some sweet potato/black bean…perhaps some just normal chili. We’ll see. I left my crockpot at Marks last week, which feels odd when it comes to making soup. I’m so addicted to that thing. Anyways, that’s what’s going on over here.

Focus.

Productivity.

Success.

Eye of the Tiger…it’s my theme song today. It’s my motto.

I can’t believe this week is over and that we are on the precipice of a new one. It seems that for weeks I’ve been looking forward to this one, with reunions planned, and deadlines being met and getting one step closer to the finishing of the semester and time spent with those that fill my heart with more love than one person deserves…

It was a packed week. Packed.

I stayed in Norman for the majority of it. I reunioned with friends. Sang and laughed and drank and laughed some more. I met family and played Princesses and helped build a gingerbread house. I ate delicious food and drank spiked coffee and slept in and napped on couches and watched football and did homework (totally telling the truth there) and slipped into a routine that felt as comfortable as a pair of 501’s from the 80’s.

It was bliss.

I’m back in my own house this afternoon, and there are feathers and hairball drippings that were left for me. There’s laundry to be done and some cleaning of floors. I’ve got a ton of reading to do before class tomorrow. Time has become that thing that both taunts and tricks me, tempts and tortures.  I want things to go slow. And to speed up.

My crazy brain kicked into high gear last night and into today and while I’ve figured out the root of the issue and have somewhat successfully quietened the voices, there is residue that lingers…the sticky, tacky residue that can only be cleaned by a fierce frenzy that includes Comet and vacuuming. So that’s where I’m starting. Time to clean the house. Right the chaos. Prepare for the Christmas decorating next weekend. I wish that I’d decorated this weekend. This is when I usually do it, and it makes the house so…homey. I wish it was done and the house was clean and the things were put up and all of that…all of that…

but I wouldn’t change a thing.

Not one single second.

Thankful?

Doesn’t even begin to touch what’s going on over here.

Many pieces of things, scraps of conversation, bits of lists that are floating around in my brain, in my life. I’m doing my best these next few weeks to stay focused, to stay organized, to meet deadlines and to navigate the end of this semester with some grace and dignity that was not apparent last week.

I know it’s only Monday, but so far, so good! 🙂

This week is full of friends and reunions and laughter and music. I will meet new family, and be thankful for a whole new life that has opened up before me.

Thanksgiving kicked off with Friendsgiving last night at the grown up house of my sweet soul sister and her husband to be. Surrounded by friend, true friends, who are truly happy for me, we are happy for each other in this life, eating great food and sipping on wassail…it was bliss. These are the people in my life that I don’t worry about. They don’t lie. They don’t backstab. They are authentic and honest and just really, living their lives with the intention of doing good. That’s what I love. I told them that I feel loved the way that I love them.

That’s what this once around is all about, isn’t it?

I’ve deleted some drama from my life this year. That seems to happen more often than it doesn’t as time goes by. I can honestly tell you, unless someone brings it up, it just doesn’t cross my mind anymore. That’s progress.

I’ve printed off the requirements and procedures for enrolling in thesis hours, for submitting and defending my thesis…holy shit ya’ll. I need to get an appointment with the Graduate Advisor at OU and schedule a visit. Perhaps next week I can do that.

I’ve been researching a paper for my 19th C women’s class, which I also submitted to a conference in New Mexico in February. It got accepted! WOOT. The rough draft is due Wednesday. I’ve got some writing to do this afternoon. I’ve been reading and mentally organizing my thoughts. Today it’s time to start putting it down on paper.

Mark installed a memory upgrade on my computer this weekend.

Seriously. He’s put gas in my car, aired up my tires *not a euphemism, re-set the notification lights on my dashboard, upgraded my computer….I don’t even have words. Flowers are nice. They are gorgeous. We know that. But that…that list up there? Are you KIDDING ME?

sigh.

We get to gather with our Harvest Fest Group tonight. I don’t know when I’ve been more excited.

Everything changed on that mountain.

For the better.
Forever.

So, it’s time to giddyup. Gather the bits and the pieces and put things in place, and just prepare for a week of soul filling goodness.

Happy Monday Ya’ll

Way back when This Grad School Thing was new, fresh and full of more questions than answers, I got some sage advice from Bill. He said, “Everyone is juggling, Misti. Everyone. The secret is to figure out which balls you can drop that bounce, and which ones break.”

Yesterday, I broke more than I bounced.

I missed a deadline, I had to refocus the thesis and research of my paper, the first rough draft of which is due Monday, my abstract for the conference I want to present this at is due tomorrow so this all readjusted that. There was a point where I found myself in my professors office and just burst into tears.

Not at all unlike those sessions in Ma/Ann’s office at USAO.

I got the director/producer’s manuel for the Listen To Your Mother Show this week. I’m compiling a folder of all the information. Once this semester is successfully finished, once the applications and letters of rec and letters of intent and all the proper information has been turned in on December 15…then I’ll jump into that.

Yesterday was one of the days that….ya’ll…it just tried to swallow me hole. It was defeating. And it sucked.

There is just a lot on my plate for the next few weeks. And I am tired. My brain is tired. My everything is tired.

So it’s time to dig a little deeper and figure out where the energy is going to come from that will get me through one more month. Four more weeks and then . . .

my future will be in the hands of people that are not me

my semester will be finished and nothing else to be done about it

the end of this adventure will be not only within my grasp, but so close I can taste it

I don’t know quite what to make of all that.

It actually won’t matter if I can’t get this paper finished. And finished well. And get the abstract written and submitted. And get The Hidden Hand read by Monday. And get to work today and bang out hair nonstop from 10am until 8pm.

I’ll get some rest next week. Some rest and some good time with people that I love. Refueling, refilling.

But today, today I’m back to juggling.

This time, however, I’m using only the bouncy balls.

I’m sitting here this morning with my hot cup of coffee, my soft pants on, the cats are snuggled in their individual spots. They all get snuggly when the season changes. It’s cold outside. The weather has shifted, a new season is clearly upon us.

A new season.

Isn’t that the truth?

It was a really full weekend, full of friends and laughter and tests both literal and metaphorical and soup and ghost clouds and and love. So much love.

My birthday seemed to appear out of nowhere this year. I kept forgetting about it. “Oh yeah! Thank you!” was my normal response. Facebook, of course, is a grand reminder of another year passing. I spent a few narcissistic hours perusing the well wishes on my wall after I got home from the GRE. The texts and phone calls and cards and gift boxes and presents and just all of it.

It was a really great weekend.

Mark met a good chunk of the tribe. We call it the panel interview. I met his people that way, too. It felt good for my people to meet him, to talk and laugh with him. For them to see us together, and how happy I am…that was a solidifying piece of the puzzle. I had said earlier that it seemed real in Norman, where we were around his friends and out and about, but up here it still seemed like a dream. But now…all good things.

It was my favorite, the back yard gathering. The catastrophic winds kind of…blew but being surrounded by friends what have known you for the majority of your life, good food, cold beers, a lesson in drinking scotch (oy) all add up to just the best way of celebrating a new year.

After meeting Frank and Suzy last night,  for a post-pre-birthday dinner at Republic, we went to see Anthony Bourdain on his tour. Was it a book tour? Why was he touring exactly? We don’t know. But it was good, he was entertaining. He is, in person, just as he is on his show. It seems that he is just as authentic as he appears. It was a good night.

It’s time now, to buckle down. Get focused on the impending deadlines. I’ve got several that are barreling down the pike. Thanksgiving is next week, gatherings and celebrations and reunions abound. This week, I’m going to pound out some work so that next week I can relax and play a bit.

This semester will be over before I know it.

But there is a new season upon us…and I’m looking forward with great gulps of excitement.

Happy Monday Ya’ll.

 

 

I’ve told you over these past few weeks that I’ve got something working that I couldn’t tell you about yet, that things were falling into place in such a way that my horizon was full of excitement and joy and creativity and hope. Throw in a huge dose of fear and nerves and a few of the voices screaming “ARE YOU KIDDING? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO DO THAT?” while they stamp their feet and set things on fire…but today has come.

I can finally tell you what’s up.

My application to produce and direct a Listen To Your Mother Show in Oklahoma City has been

 

ACCEPTED!!!!!!

I’ve known for a few weeks. So I’ve been waking up at 2am working on details in my head.

I’m smart enough to have already built a team that will be so successful, we’re going to make it look easy. Julie Bohannon is my co-director/co-producer here locally. Heather Smith Davis aka http://www.minivanmama.com is my co-producer in Bartlesville. We three bring a set of tools to the table that will not only compliment each other, but a commitment to the project that will transcend the work behind the scenes.

I’ve got a lot of details to work out. This is going to be an adventure like no other. But I am profoundly changed by my personal experince in the Northwest Arkansas show this spring. The validation of having my story complimented from a stranger in the audience, “your story is my story”…I want to share that feeling with my city.

The stories are out there. And they are necessary. The telling of them is necessary.

I am honored with the charge to bring them to the 405.

I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, I ask that you share this information with EVERYONE. Repost, link to your social network, tell your friends.

Because something magical is heading our way, and we don’t want anyone to miss out!.

 

I had some moments of rage today.

I know, right?

That just doesn’t even belong anywhere around here lately, but it is what it is.

I had some rage.

First let me add the preemptive caveat that if you think this is you I’m talking about: well it either is or it isn’t. Go with your gut instinct. But you know that more often than not, the 5 people that read here are NOT who gets the focus of my rage. If I’m pissed at you or feel like you’re pissed at me,  I will either just call you right up and lay it on the table, or be so overtly passive aggressive that we both start laughing and just bless it and let it go. We know how I work in that arena. So don’t fret.

This thing that’s going on with me?

It’s good. It’s true. It’s authentic.

It has changed everything.

Everything.

But I’m not mad about it.

I’m not freaked out.

I’m not crosseyed with the hearts and flowers and coloring every episode a lovely shade of blush and bashfull to the point of not knowing what’s happening, either.

What I am, is happy.

What I am is excitedly content.

So when I’m met with…let’s not call it “unsupportive behavior” let’s just call it “active reservations” –about this thing that is doing wonders for my complexion, I want you to know that I get it.

I get it.

Yeah, it’s all whirl-windy-silly when compressed into the devices we use to mark time.

Yeah, it can perhaps be seen as illogical.

I get it.

That actively reserved stance comes from several places. Most of which are a direct result of the choices I’ve made in my past relationships. Reaction comes from fear and wariness and the need to protect from future mistakes. All of those things are strategic parts of a great friendship.

I have felt them for many of you at one time.

You’ve seen me stumble and you’ve picked me up. You’ve seen me want something so desperately that I chose to lose parts and pieces of myself, and you steadfastly helped to piece me back together again when the day came. You’ve understood the way I’ve chosen to navigate this life, and up until awhile ago, all of that made perfect sense.

So. I get the fear. I get the cautious optimism. It’s what I’ve given you to go on.

I am here to tell you, friends…the time has come to give you a different template.

I ask that you understand that the roads have all led me to this place.

I ask that you continue to love me, even if I fall again, just as I do you.  I ask that you put that fear and that reactionary impulse to immediately doubt and disbelieve, I ask that you tuck that away.

And I ask that you not view this thing, this shiny, perfectly wonderful thing, with that clouded, scratched lens. Don’t project that which you view with the fear I have shown you previously, onto this thing that needs not be feared.

Because it’s starting to fucking piss me off.

(see what I did there?)

Being happy is a choice.

and it’s the one that I choose.

So please try not to worry. I’m in very capable and strong and supportive hands.

 

 

 

 

I can’t believe it’s been so many days since I’ve written and posted. I can’t imagine what’s kept me away from this place…heh heh heh.

Life is good here at Brokedown Palace.

I presented my first paper at my first conference this weekend. I had great support with my school partner in crime, and a steady flow of texts from Mark, sending me calm and cool thoughts. My presentation was ok. I think it was rushed. I followed a girl who read her paper word for word. Even managing to mispronounce many of those words. ??? Seriously??? So I think I err’d on the side of going too fast, trying to interject some energy back into the room. Whatever, it was fine and dandy and it’s done and I have that under my belt and on my CV. Done diddly done.

This week is study for the Subject GRE which I’m taking on Saturday. It’s writing a paper tonight to turn in tomorrow. It’s keeping afloat and focused. It’s VOTING on Tuesday. Lot’s going on, and managing to continue to navigate the Happy at the same time.

It’s getting a little easier, that part.

“We’re going to have to be judicious about the time you spend not studying this week.”

Indeed.

I’ve met his people. His tribe that sustains. This next week he will begin to meet mine. I’m excited for that and I know that you will love him, too. Everything is just good.

So that’s where I am today. On the couch, I’m about to finish this book on the Indian Captivity Narrative and write a book review paper about it. Michael is coming over for SOA and some supper. I’m going to make Cindy’s apple sausage/cabbage/potato slurry. I cannot wait.

Hope your weekend was perfect.

Mine was.

Just perfect.

 

 

I know that I’ve always talked about the voices that I have in my head.

When I wake up, whoever is the loudest gets to drive the bus.

That’s just the way it is. It’s what we’ve worked out to be a finely tuned well synced system and that’s just that.

So it kind of throws everybody off when I’m all blissed out. I know that I’m all googlie eyed and silly right now. I’m doodling in notebooks and doing name quizes and counting the minutes until I get to be face to face, all the while I’ve got an entire army of voices in the back of my head that are dealing with some pretty interesting shit. I think they’re wondering what’s going on, when will it be play time again and who the HELL is driving the bus???

I’ve been pretty successful in keeping them quiet these past few weeks. I’ve got a lot of irons in the fire with school, and papers, and the literary conference I’m presenting at on Saturday, and then the Subject GRE the following Saturday. I’m still waiting to find out about being awarded the LTYM Show, which should come soon…and IF that happens what kind of work that will entail. Hurricanes, and biopsy’s and exams all pile on…

all the while we’re navigating a new relationship.

and working out schedules.

and trying to be logical and get some sleep.

and wrapping our heads around how…everything has changed.

I am amazed that there hasn’t been a full blown, blue faced Braveheart revolution happening with the voices. Seriously.

But I think that since I have a space to be, a place to express, and someone who steadfastly supports…that it just might be a time of being settled in my brain.

Maybe.

For that, I am so grateful.

Actively grateful. I don’t want to take any of this for granted, or assume that it’s just going to be here forever or not acknowledge the fact that I GET how really graceful it all is.

So in that spirit I’m going to give you a list. I do love a list.

1) First and foremost, Burl (Bonusdad)’s biopsy results came back. NO CANCER. Did you hear me? NO FUCKING GODDAMNED CANCER!!!!!  I am beyond relieved. Now, both he and my mom get a do-over. Shake the Etch-A-Sketch clean. There is a second chance. I hope that they both get that, really really GET that, and do something about it. Life is really a beautiful gift. I do not take that for granted.

2) You. I’m so grateful for you. For your support of all things Ridiculous. You may not think that I know you’re pulling for me, or that I know you’re sending me love and light and prayer and energy…but oh sweet sweet friend…I do know. I feel it. I know that when I am at my most empty, scraping the bottom and so dry my lips have cracked…that you will re-fill me. Sometimes I fear that I ask that too often, too much, without giving enough back. Yet you’re always here. I do not take that for granted.

3) This ❤ thing. It’s been a long time. I was actually, really just done. I was settled in to be the stereotypical collector of higher education degrees and cats. I’ll be the eccentric spinster aunt that lives in the attic. I’d kind of gotten comfortable in that place. I surely wasn’t going to just quit living…and then all of a sudden there comes a day that has equal parts mud and magic, laughter and tears, soul saving pizza and octopus puppets…and everything changes. I am amazed and full of wonder. And really just full of peace. I’m not twisted and crazy. The voices aren’t questioning and jealous and stirring the cauldron. This is. And while it seems fresh…it’s been working it’s way here for a long long time. I do not take that for granted.

4) I enrolled in my FINAL SEMESTER of This Grad School Thing, this week. I’m taking one class, and the rest are thesis hours. Shakespeare’s History Plays. I’m excited actually. This is a prof that I’d wanted to work with before my time was up. I really know nothing about the history plays as I’ve always skewed more to the comedy section of Willie’s stuff. It’ll be good. The whole looming concept of  What’s Next is out there. But once again, I’m completely at peace about it. That peace of mind, in regards to this adventure? I do not take for granted.

5) I have fallen into an entirely new group of friends these past two weeks. Real, genuine, honest, authentic people. Who want to know me as much as I want to know them. It’s daunting being the new girl. That’s a role that I have not played in a hot minute. But this has been just as graceful as it could’ve possibly been. Plus, I’m totally not above buying love or my way into a group with fancy LED lighting up lipgloss. I’m not an idiot. I look forward to getting to know these people, and making memories that are woven with their thread. I am blessed by the addition and I do not take that for granted.

6) MY group of friends, who for the most part of this semester have been sorely and shamefully ignored. I pop up occasionally for a bridal shower, or a porch night, or a dinner, but my routine this semester has been pretty much locked down. SO, for me to beat the drum and call them to order and announce what’s going on over here…the fact that they listen, and they are just as giddy for me as I am, good grief. I could cry. I could. Because I know not everyone has that. I have it in spades. By the bucket full. Entire gobs of good. I do not take that for granted.

So that’s my list for today.

On this last day of October, a month that changed everything…I’m grateful for you.

and for this coffee.

Lord this is good coffee.

and for George Clooney. I’m really grateful for George. Because….I mean….come on.

 

Sandy is kind of a bitch, eh? I was a nernous ninny all day. I’ve got people that I love there. My people in Brooklyn, Talaura, Kizz, my cousin Jerome. My people in New Jersey, Abby and Seth. My people that I have vicariously through them. I was just nervous. Weather is just…lord.

Watching the morning after, and what went down, looking in the light of day…it’s going to be a long haul to recovery for my favorite city.

I was a little sideways last night. I think it was the full moon, the storm, school, schedules and working around and inside of them, I went to bed with all of my thoughts and feelings on the outside of my skin. Crazy dreams. Unsupportive voices. Kikimama decided to try to sleep on my face. Ugh.

But this morning, I awoke to a song and some conversation and good coffee and giggles and support. It was the new version of morning coffee clatch…and it was perfect.

It totally fed my soul this morning. Because it feels so good when your people feel good for you. You know I’m totally hopped up on the happy anyways, so it just makes it even better when others get hopped up, too.

It makes me so happy to see the happy become contagious.

So, happy happy morning to you all. Today, I write. I write, I clean a bit, I run a few errands and do some banking and pay some bills. But mostly I write and I read. Then tonight, dinner and drinks with PseudoSis 1 for some desperately overdue facetime.

Cheers ya’ll!

 

OH. P.S.

remember that literary criticism test that gave me anxiety? Totally made an A.