You guys! You guys!!! It’s ok!!! I’m ok! the guy and I are ok. My heart isn’t crackling into teensy bits of firtch. I’m not curled up in my bed listening to Air Supply on repeat. I haven’t dove headfirst into either tequila or velveeta. It’s all ok.

Last night was actually…fine. Other than I didn’t want to do gameshow, but I have NEVER wanted to do gameshow. For an ENTIRE YEAR I have said no to gameshow…and I gave Brian the answers so that he would WIN gameshow…just to get it over with. (heh. that’s what she said.) And we were fine and civil and frankly, he was NOT at the center of my attention. It’s ok. and he isn’t an asshole. or an idiot. and the girl? I’m sure she is lovely, Hubble. This was never a match made in funny heaven, ever. So it’s no one’s fault…

This weekend I was a ROCKSTAR!!! Yes. Yes indeedy. Went to Bedlam Baseball with my PseudoSisters and entourage. Had a blast with Bobby and Kasey and all the crew. Drank some free beer. Some 8 dollar beer. Went to a piano bar after. Headed to my homebar after that…rolled in sometime around 2am. Sunday was spent with crappy Mexican food and a round table of funny best friends doing the whole recap of each weekend. It was really nice. I called my mom for Mom’s day and made the comment that someone should remind me that I’m not 21 anymore…her response?

You’re not 21, Zelda.
You’re.
Not.
Thirty.
Either!!!

SLAM!!!

but the thing is…that number? I have no comprehension what it’s supposed to mean. I’ve seen people hit, say…50, and all of a sudden it’s an excuse for everything to fail. To go south. slowly. and the thing is…IT DOES! They automatically got old.

I have too much I want to do to slow down. I have too much I want to see and feel and taste and love and eat and experience…So while I am NOT 21 any longer…and shit. yeah. I’m not even on the other side closest to 30…I don’t care. I wouldn’t want to be. Look at how fabulous 38 is on me! Go back? Pish Posh. Bite yourself. I”m not gonna.

But I would say that last night was an early to bed night for me. Zonked right out!!!

I’m reading

Eat Pray Love

.

I’ve been avoiding this like an Arbonne Party ever since it came out. I have to say, anything that get’s that much hype…and especially if Oprah loves it? ehhhhh. Notsomuch. Chrome, however, made me bring it home when I was there at the first of the year. I’ve finally this week picked it up and I ashamedly admit to you that I am devouring it. Connecting with it. With this author. I has made me want to want again. Made me want big.

I want to travel. I do. I need a passport. I don’t even have a copy of my birth certificate so this process will take a few steps. And I dreamt last night of getting another job. part time…to help with money and to help save money. Work is horrible last week and this one. I had three mens cuts and a style. Tomorrow I had two clients, but my color, the money, text to say she’d lost HER job and had to cancel. Times are tough and I’m a little bejiggidy about money. A Lot bejiggidy about money. But all the while, in my mind, I want to take a trip. I want to find a way….and yes I need to see Dionysas in Chicago this summer. And I’d LOVE another trip to MYNYC…and I’d love to hit Vegas and hang with Carus for a bit…but I really really really want to see Italy. I just do. sigh.

so anyways…I have no idea how, or when, but I”m going to do that. I just am. Passport. First step! Dream a little dream, eh kids?

because I may not be thirty…but I’m sure as hell not dead!

On my way home tonight I had many a thought for a post. . . recap of the rockstar weekend…bedlam…being called a MILF by some douchebag wearing my OU colors…crappy mexican food with really fabulous not crappy friends…sending the day falling in love with a serial killer…DEXTER!!! OH MY GOD SEASON ONE!!!!…the one yar anniversary of my friens 796 Entertainment doing a fabulous show that was seen by many a people…going up onstage for their stupid gameshow skit and giving the other contstant the answers just because I wanted him to win…

so many thoughts. Lots of thoughts this weekend. Lots of stuff going round and round and round in my brain…Thunderdome as it were…

sigh.

I’m good. I’ve had many a conversation this weekend about life. Choices. Friendship. Cleveland. Grandparents. Suffering. Loss. Gains. Bliss.

It’s been a good good weekend. I’m full of love. It was Mother’s Day. I got to speak to one, and finally sent at text on another. Church. Timelines. Bleagh. I have a difficult time on Mother’s Day anyway…cuz I’m not one. and that’s my deal. It’s ok…

I had a great GREAT conversation with the Future on Friday. I was actually LATE TO HAPPY HOUR if you can belive that of me! we had… a revelation of sorts. not quite a quid pro quo…but a realease…for me…of some anxiety about the upcoming reunion planning meeting and whatnot. He sent me a few songs. YOU CAN DO THAT VIA INSTANT MESSAGING by the way. for you cool kids already in the know…amazing. put a nice smile on my face for aobut 72 hours. I get to see Gert next weekend. Bring on the weekend!

I’m good, kids. I know that the faceamask is in place. I know that most of you think I’m asking for trouble by going to comedy on Monday nights. and hey. yeah. bleagh. But I did good tonight. I got up there. I particiapted. Yes. I would rather give myself an abortion than go onstage in front of HIM and HER and look like a chubby girl who is growing her hair out…but whatever. I did it. I survived…with nary a thought to either of them. Just had actual genuine emotions of pride for the group…and laughed with my friends…and look forward to the week.

i did an assload of laundry today. and inside cleaning. tomorrow…I mop and fold and put away whilst watching the season finale of Biggest Loser!!!

Happy Monday everybody.

So…yeah. It’s Friday. I got nuthin. I woke up at 3:30 and was awake for a few hours. Tossing and turning. I have one appointment today. I am not motivated to do anything. Not motivated to do anything around the house, not motivated to do anything regarding anything remotely at all.

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTT.

SO.

I thought I’d rustle myself up a little Inspiration Sandwich for breakfast and try to kick this day on it’s ass. Maybe you need a little bite as well.

I turned on my a/c tonight.
It’s hot.
damned hot.
crotch pot cookin hot.

and really…for us here in The Plains, it’s not. it’s just muggy as all get out and stifling. and I figure…ehhhh what the hell. Give myself a good night of sleep. Besides that…with the back door open to let in the breeze there’s about a billion flying creatures that are making me and Kikimama crazed. She’s chasing and enjoying. I myself…am not.
chasing.
or enjoying.

This week has been LONG. boring. long days. I did have a few appointments today which was good. Tomorrow, however, I have one. One style. Shampoo, blow dry. done. I am going with my PseudoSis to watch her kid in a talent show at school for our lunch hour. That’ll be a kick in the pants dose of fun! Kids crack me up and this one is no exception. He told his mom he was singing Wagon Wheel. (wagon wheel by old crow medicene show. look it up.) he isn’t but dang I’d love it if he did!

I’m ready for the weekend. Going to hang out low key tomorrow night with MGirl then with PseudoSisters 1 and 2 and their fam at the Bedlam Baseball game downtown. That’ll be funfunfun. I’m a sucker for some baseball. and beers! Huzzuah! Gonna find a way for facetime with Gert.

Hopefully the weather will allow me to work in the yard. move firewood to a stack. pick up firtch. make pretty. Hopefully it wont rain rain rain. Gak. We need some mental health sunshine around these parts.

Oh! and I can’t get into my email account. Hotmail I guess is under seige. that blows. I’m annoyed with that.

I got nuthin else.
I’ve actually got tons else, but am marinating on what I want to discuss. Some of it will bubble up to the surface this weekend, to be sure.

meanwhile I love you.
I love George Clooney.
life is good.

I had two no-shows today. Both for color. A few hundred bucks.

fuckin sucks. I’ll tell you what.

bright side? cuz I always look for one…I got a LOT of reading done on my book. I’m into The Wonder Spot by Melissa Bank. She wrote The Girlfriends Guide To Hunting and Fishing, which because of Kizz, I read and loved. So that’s cool.

I got the trash bins pulled up. Every little thing is a major fete for me these days. Emptied the indoor trash. Picked up laundry and a bird fetus that Sammy horked up in the dining room floor.

ALL TOGETHER NOW:

BLEARGH!!!

I mean really. This crazyasscat. Wearing me out.

I’m beat tired from such a rockstar night last night. I would like to tell you that the situation with the new reader is fine. Again. For today. Possibly tomorrow. The way things go with us…that’s about all I can promise. But I forgot about being able to disconnect the ability to comment on certain posts. I’m such a comment whore, the thought had never occured to me.

Oh and Elephantsoap? I need info about how to sign up for your class. I’m so totally doing that!

while it may just be another night, another humpday, another span of time…I’d like to point out that it is

MY BOYFRIENDS BIRTHDAY!!!

Happy birthday baby. The one true and constant man in my life…day in day out giving joy, playing a pivitol role at the circus, making me happy, making me smile.

Happy Happy Birthday.

TRASH IS EMPTIED!!!

it’s a proud day at the Circus! Proud day indeed.

How was your Cinco de Mayo? I went out to celebrate a little…celebrated a lot…had a blast and laughed like I’d never had a bad day in my life. Sat around a table of old friends and new friends and drunkie magoo friends that I brought home with me and put to bed on the couch…which meant I had to wake up at the crack of ass and take them to their car/home this morning. But that’s ok. Better than them driving last night.

I heard from the Future yesterday! A whole bunch of stuff, which made me laugh and smile and just shake my head at the ridiculousness of it all. There was a silly silly story involving a staple gun and a beer that had me cracking up…nice.

what else? Oh, I’ve successfully driven off any new readers with that last post. Kizz…I don’t think I do it well at all. But it is what it is, right? oh well.

Tonight is a late work night, then nothing but home. Tomorrow I’m meeting Collin for dinner after working, Saturday I get to go to Bedlam Baseball with my other sisters…the week’s shaping up nicely!

How’s yours? Happy Humping Day everyone! Enjoy! I’m going to go out and pull up my empty trash carts!

Dear Readers,

It seems that from time to time I feel the need to post a few things about how the Circus is run, and what it is meant and used for. We have a few new members here now, and clearly, it’s that time again.

This place is mine. I love that you are here. I love that you care enough to read. Either by express purpose or by chance through a Clooney google…you are here and that pleases me. I care that you care. I love that you comment. It makes me feel good and warm and loved and all of those things are good.

But this place is mine. It’s where I come to live and to love and to share and to hurt and to heal. It’s where I pick my scabs. It’s where I lick my wounds. It’s where I rail and shout and cry and ask the same questions over and over and over. It’s where you who love me soothe me and pet me and tell me that I am worthy and valid. It’s a place were I celebrate you. Celebrate us. With pictures and memories and cake and beer. Cyber beer, but beer nonetheless. It’s where I tell you the crazy happenings in my life concerning traveling and dating. It’s where I learn from your stories that you also share. I curse here. I laugh here. and lately…I’ve been hurting here…

but you don’t know about that because I have purposefully chosen not to share details. I have chosen not to spread this out like an abortion buffet for everyone to see and ooh and ahhh and click and tsk tsk over. It’s painful, and though I would gain healing from putting it all out there…and I know your words would wrap around me like a warm fuzzy…I chose not to. I still choose not to. this situation is too…just too. fragile. trepidatious. prideful. too sacred. And it’s not because I don’t trust you with the details of it…it’s because I still feel it….vividly. And I am ok. Daily marching one by one, red boot, white boot, convening the coven when necessary, from miles away to blocks away, and I’m good with that. I’m good.

Your opinions matter to me. And I never pointedly post anything that would be hurtful to anyone. Because I don’t write for you. I don’t write TO you. This is my space. my face. my blog.

Having said all of that to say this…

I love that you found this place. All I ask is that you love this place for what it is. Don’t read into it more than what is there. If you are confused or sad or concerned…ask me. I’m glad to explain. This place is a sweet, kind place that can sometimes go down like warm tequila. Pretty much like me.

happy day, gentle readers. thank you for reading. thank you for commenting.

Yours Truly,
Zelda Pinwheel

Forgot to tell you about the whole movie thing Sunday. It was fun. It was a lot of waiting and sitting and watching. I met a few new people…the girl who actually let us into the shop I knew from MDS Comedy! She’d only been to one show and that is the one I started talking to her! (seriously folks. I think I know a million people) Anyways we talked for a bit and made plans for the next comedy show. She had some interesting comments about the 796 boys…heh. Not original however. Anyways she was about the only one who’d speak. The girl who was the lead in the movie was a snotty uptight bitchy girl. She was really cute and looked great on film but seriously? I wanted to say, Little Girl…I’v been around that block so many times they named it after me. Don’t try that attitude with me.

But I didn’t. I smiled and continued.

When we shot her scenes and close ups it was great. When it was time for mine? she was totally not into it. Not giving me any lines correctly. Just whatever.

But it was fun and I got to see how things work like that and wahoo hoo hoo for the experience.

I saw a still of myself from the film….

it’s a good thing I gave up bulimia for Lent.
S’all I’m sayin.

It’s been an age since I’ve participated in Ten Things Tuesday…but I’m a gonna today! Lists help me. I like lists. I think most of us reading, or living in the blogosphere feel the same way. My head is a little jumbled with things to do…so voila!

Ten Things I Need To Do This Month

1.) make a place in the yard to put my firewood. move firewood to said place.
2.) weed killer. buy it and use it on the lawn.
3.) remove old twinkle lights from gazebo and replace with new ones.
4.) do something with the flowerbeds and rose bushes that have become unruly.
5.) check propane tank on grill and refill for summer parties
6.) get more fluid for tiki torches
7.) set a date for The Vegan/AbbyNormal party that will kick off the season
8.) get an oil change in my car
9.) finish organizing the office
10.) call plumber about the washing machine backing up.

All of these things aren’t too terribly bad, some of them cost money. Mostly it’s just some elbow grease. I need some warm dry weather for a few days…There is so much mud I can’t really do anything till it drys. SO I get a pass on that this week.
However there are more lists in my head. Here’s another for you

Things I Need To Do For MySelf

1.) deposit tips daily/weekly
2.) call the frickin YMCA and figure out if that’s something I can afford or do.
3.) begin working on the one woman show that’s tumbling around in my head.
4.) remember who loves me.
5.) forget who doen’t.
6.) spend more time happy.
7.) ween myself from so much computer time.
8.) sign up for Elephantsoap’s yoga class. and GO TO IT.
9.) start saving for a summer trip to Chicago to see Dionysas.
10.)get the eating under control.

Yesterday was spent pretty much in this chair. Not all of the day. I did laundry. I went through some old clothes and sorted thigns out to take to Goodwill. I picked up the backyard a little before it started raining. I did dishes and cleaned the kitchen all but the muddy floors. I started watching season one of Dexter. Everyone in my life is humming about this show. I like it. I love the actor…always always have. But it’s a little scary for me to watch by myself. I’m a ninny about stuff like that. Yesterday I had to switch over to eps of Gilmore Girls in between to kind of calm myself down. Whatever works for ya, right? yup.

It’s Cinco De Mayo! Have a Tecate or a margarita and some chips and salsa! Enjoy your day! I’m banging hair, then I have a committee meeting at the theatre then possibly some cinco fun. Guess what I’m doing tonight?

TAKING OUT THE DANG TRASH FOR PICKUP TOMORROW!!!!! I will remember. I will remember I will remember.

The big trash guys TOOK EVERYTHING!!!! EVERY LAST TINY BRANCH! I am amazed and full of joy! Now…NOW it’s not so overwhelming. The sun is shining today so I can get out there and do some work. Stack the firewood…maybe plant a few things. Put the gazebo back together…make it shiny shiny again! Oh joy joy joy!!!

How’s your Monday treating you? I’ve been over on the Facebook and Dionysas has loaded a bunch of pictures from the Michigan tour. My very very very favorite is this one:

Kizz, Dionysas and I were freezing, huddled outside on the porch drinking beer and Jason was taking the picture. it’s possibly my favorite one ever taken.