Last night Mark and I went through the holiday, day by day, and scheduled it all out. His brain needs that kind of parameters, and to some extent, so does mine. I’m saddened, in that his entire 11 day’s off are just booked. Booked. There is very little time for us to just be lazy. Between family and friends, and celebrations, and traditions…I was a little…not stressed…but I felt overextended last night just looking at what we’ve got coming our way.

Trying to organize indoor parties w/o the room of the outside is making me a little nuts, working on our shopping list and getting things wrapped…that doesn’t stress me out at all. I’m enjoying that part. But it’s another thing to be done.

I’ve got some house prepping to do, the guest room that will hold Cindy has been my walk in closet for several months. When I tore it apart to get the mattress topper for Jack and Sarah, I never fully put it back together. Add clean clothes and various sundries and whatnots on top of all that and it becomes clear why the door has been closed for weeks and weeks. I need to haul out the christmas decor containers. The back room is claustrophobic. These things need to happen maybe tonight or tomorrow between shopping.

Our Christmas begins Friday with the arrival of the Arkansas coalition, which moves right into Christmas Adam, Christmas Eve, Christmas, trip to Arkansas (depending on the weather) squeezing in time with Norman people, a gathering of sorts here at the house, our first LTYM director/producer meeting, New Years Eve, New Years..then boom. back to work.

I dont’ know if I’m going to do my New Year’s Day Open House this year. Honestly, Im not motivated to do the work, to spend the money, to do any of it. Not really. But I think it’s because I’m tired and need a break. It’s coming. I know it’s coming.

Grades were posted yesterday.

I no longer have a perfect 4.0. I got a B in Literary Criticism. I’m better with it today than I was yesterday. I told Mark, I just feel like I let everyone down. But I know that’s foolish. I’m fine. One B on my Master’s transcript in a class that historically is known for not giving A’s…I’m okay with that. I needed to learn the lesson about perfection.

It sounds like I’m complaining about the busy…I’m not. I’m ever thankful for friends and family and especially for Mark. Working on our lists, working out our schedules, combining holiday time with his family and mine…it’s a different thing this year but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

A friend of mine yesterday was in the salon. We’ll see him Saturday night at the comic show and he asked,” are you bringing him to get our approval?”

“no. not even close. I could care less if anyone likes him.”

And that’s true. I’m not looking for approval from anyone. It’s nice when it happens, but it’s not a requirement.

This is our time. Our life we’re forging. And it’s fantastic. Tonight we begin to finish our shopping for family and friends. Lists and more lists have been made. I like it.

Hope your Wednesday is good…just a few more days, and everyone gets a break.

I’m not going to write about the shootings.

I’m not going to write about guns and laws and opinions on religion and the bashing that is so prevalent today.

I’m waiting on my final grades. I’m spending time with Mark, and planning time with family and making plans to finish our shopping. I’m looking forward to seeing Talaura and Cindy and hopefully to put together a gathering of friends after Christmas.

I’m sure I’ll have something to say eventually…but for now, I’m going to just enjoy the quiet.

It is done.

All but waiting for the grades, which are due in a week or so.

Done. Finished. Over.

Of course, it’s not real yet. I hit the ground running today with awesome clients, a facial during my lunch hour, more clients, then dinner with my girls after work tonight. I’ve got to get started on Christmas lists, checking off what I still need, begin the wrapping, schedule time with friends, dive into the season fully.

Bills have yet to be paid for the first of the month. YIKES! I know. I’m doing that next…laundry is running, I’ve got to run to the supply store for some stuff for clients before work.

It’s busy.

Just a different kind of busy.

I’ll totally take that.

Finals Today! Woot! Holla! Get Fired UP!

seriously, I just want to get the energy to take a shower, get ready and get to campus for blue books and scantrons before the scheduled time. This afternoon will be spent pouring over notes and critical essays for Lit Crit at 5:30.

I don’t remember wanting something to be over so much in my whole life.

I want another day like yesterday, with sleep. But without the voices telling me “you have stuff you should be doing”

It’s 12/12/12.

Kizz’s show debuts tonight in NYC.

It’s finals for me then I’m finished.

It’s also the 2 month anniversary of this love story that I’m actively participating in.

Two months? It seems impossible. Impossible that it’s only been 8 weeks. It felt like eleven years at two weeks…it’s so great. Every day discovering how much better it is than the previous.

So, for everyone involved Happy 12/12/12! Hope a little magic rubs off on you!

I took a brain break this weekend.

I worked at the salon, laughed and cried with clients, spent time with my Mr. and Michael, ate burn your face off salsa, picked out and decorated my tree, hung lights on the house (really just watched while he did the work) spent time in Norman celebrating his mom’s birthday with his family, spent an amazing night with our friends eating delicious food and being all aglow while we watched Brad and Mark play and sing. (mandolin and guitar, respectively)

It was really a lovely lovely break.

Today I slept.

Seriously, I slept most of the day. I recognize that I’m exhausted. Mentally. So I gave myself the day. Tonight, I’ve got the candles burning, bread making, opted to call a pizza for dinner instead of cook and am back to hitting the books.

Tomorrow at 11am I have my first “final.” It’s really just a continuation of our coursework, with some added opportunity to write for extra points. I’m going early to get blue books, and will probably just stay on campus and work on studying for the Lit Crit final at 5:30.

It’s the time of the semester when I go from stressing over everything to giving myself “The Talk.”

–“it’s okay if you don’t get A’s.”

–“you’ll still get accepted to a program if you don’t have a 4.0”

–“it doesn’t make you a bad student to get a B”

 

It’s anyones guess, really at this point. I’m not stressed. After last week, I don’t think I have any left. I’m tired. I know I need to get to actively finishing my program applications. I think, if someone offered me a full ride with assistantship and the best possible ph.d package…I don’t know if I’d take it. I just…don’t know.

I’ll jump off of that bridge next week.

 

I thought I’d do a Thankful Friday post because….

well if you’ve been reading any Ridiculous this week you know it’s a freakin miracle that I’ve made it to Friday with motor skills and relationships in tact.

I spent about 14 hours working on the paper, 12 of those in the library yesterday. I re-researched. I re-read. I re-organized. I deleted. I added. I cut and pasted. I re-worked and re-wrote and re-thought every single word in what turned into a 20 page paper.

Now. When I rolled into the house about 11pm last night, I knew several things:

a) I actually enjoy this kind of work.

b)my academic “voice” is still not fully formed. I really really struggle with my creative voice. . . and that makes me wonder and question. . .

c)this paper, while I am sure that probably needs revising, especially before I send it with my ph.d applications, and then present it at the conference in February, is for all intents and purposes…finished.  I think, considering where it came from, that it might be good “enough” for the class grade. I’m wary of saying that, but I know that time has run out. I know I’ve done what my professor asked. So at some point, after I do some checking, some polishing, and more double checking, I will have to submit it for a grade.

d)today is the final class session of the semester. all I have to do is take notes to use during our “final” writing session next wednesday.

e)I have a final that I really must study for, Literary Cricisicm. But I’m so not stressed about that right now.

f)I am so thankful that I survived this semester. I have no idea what grades I will get. This is the time where I start talking to myself in terms of “it’s ok if you don’t get A’s”…but seriously. I’m thankful for finishing.

g)I’m so thankful for Mark. For his patience and support.

h) and I am so thankful for YOU. YOU that I haven’t seen in weeks and months. YOU that have been quietly and patiently waiting for me to return to living and not judging or being angry. Your support…well this whole damn thing would have derailed months ago without you.

 

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY THANKFUL FRIDAY ya’ll!

It was a puke and rally kind of day yesterday.

After the evisceration that happened to my paper, I immediately took refuge in the rabbit hole of doom and gloom and nothing nice. By the time I got home yesterday morning, I’d worked myself into a crying jag that lasted till about errrmmmmmmm….4pm. No joke. I had to self medicate a tiny bit just to get through our group presentation.

Ridiculous. So ridiculous.

I met with my professor. She was everything that an advocate for a student should be. The experience reminded me so much of the sessions I had with Ma in her office during my USAO years that I cried more out of nostalgia.

She gave me an amazing talk. Pep talk. Informative talk. Woman to woman talk.

In this semester, when I’ve so tunnel visioned my life to focus only on this, and then with the advent of the new relationship and my focus onto that, I have been sorely missing my friends. This came just at the time it was needed the most.

Life usually delivers that way, yet it’s so easy to forget.

The paper, is going to be finished today. I’ve cleared my work schedule, re-booked all of my clients for another day, and am about to get dressed and head to the library where I shall live until it’s all finished. My prof gave me insight, detail, even research and ways to look at it.

“The reason I’m being so hard on you is because I know where you want to go. I know what you want to do. I couldn’t look you in the eye if I let you move forward into a ph.d program and not learn these lessons here, in a safe space, where I can help you.”

Goddangit. I’d just gotten the tears under control.

Last night was my final class session for Literary Criticism. I have a final next wednesday and really great notes to study from. I have no idea about the grade in that class. We’ll just see, right?

I have to say, this guy of mine? He’s aces. I have behaved like a crazy person, who on top of that, went crazy, this week. He has continued to hold my hand, to offer words of comic genius that carry me through the day, and to remain this calming, steady influence while I’ve spun around and around and around and around again. I don’t know who’s looking more forward to the end of this semester. Really.

With that, I’m off to put on pants.

The library awaits.

 

It’s been a full day of Ridiculous over here.

I met with the graduate department chair at OU this afternoon, and had a really nice, informational meeting about the program, about funding via teaching assistantships, about the application process. I felt really at ease and comfortable and left there thinking…”I can totally do this.”

Being on the OU campus, I had a nice little walk about tour and an after meeting coffee break with my Mr. and then squatted the rest of the afternoon at his house to finish writing my profile paper for literary criticism that’s due tomorrow. It was really a lovely day.

Until. . .

I got the critique of my 19th C paper back from my professor which called for a major re-write, re-organization as well as additional research.

I thought I was going to vomit. I still might, but I’m not giving up the delicious pasta dinner we had for paper stress. No way man.

After spending what could have been a minute or an hour on the side of the bathtub working my way through a meltdown/huh-huh-huh ugly cry, I’m better. I’m not great. My voices have decided to use it as a call to arms and are absolutely screaming in my head, all sorts of shitty things.

“You can’t write a paper and you want to be a professor?”

“You were going to use THIS as your writing sample for the application? You are NEVER getting accepted. You aren’t smart enough. Not even close to being smart enough to do this.”

and the succinct yet substantial:

“You suck.”

I’m doing the best I can to stick a ball gag in each of their mouths. I really really am.

I’ve re-arranged my work schedule for Thursday to allow for the entire day to be spent writing. The paper isn’t due until 5:00 pm on Friday. My professor has given major chunks of criticism and suggested edits. These things, I’m hoping with a dose of space and time added to it, will all morph into an acceptable A paper for this class.

The thing that really really sucks…

I thought it was good. I knew that organization wasn’t perfect and citations weren’t polished, but I thought that I had really grounded my argument in theory, had shown credible and intelligent proof of that and had finished with content that was really, without needing too much editing, a pretty good initial product.

So. There’s that.

I really really really cannot wait to look back on this post and smile with the relief that it all worked out. Because right now…meltingdown is the only thing I’m really sure that I can do.

Remember when Sunday Funday started with rolling out of bed from a night of debauchery, heading to the local hot brunch spot for some sustenance that included but wasn’t limited to, a spicy bloody mary and some kind of sauce on top of whatever you ordered to eat, followed by posting up on a bar stool for the noon NFL game, sipping a red beer with Zing Zang, and easing into an afternoon full of laughter and stories about tripping over midgets that turned out to be fire hydrants?*

Yeah.

Me too. (she sighed, wistfully longing for time gone by)

Today I’m ass deep in historical context for a short story by Kate Chopin, a short essay on the 19th-C novel The Hidden Hand, and more research on feminist theory, and the critic Nina Baym over which my final paper (due Wednesday) is over.

Ya’ll…it’s 73 gawddanged degrees outside.

On December 2nd.

With the completing of the first thing on that list up there, and having run out of printer ink for more article-printing-out, I’ve decided to hit the shower, run some errands, and get a pedicure. (I’ll read while someone works on these hooves)

It’s not a bloody mary and a patio. . .

But it will have to do.

 

*the midget/fire hydrant story is a real thing. you will have to hear it told from Kizz though. I was on all fours in the middle of a Chicago sidewalk… I really can’t tell it so well.

 

I am eating this week.

My paper is really all but two pages and a works cited away from being finished. The due date was pushed back, so while I would like to have it off of my plate, I do have room to finish, let it breathe, come back and tweak before I turn it in. My next paper is due Wednesday, so that’s the pressing matter.

I finished officially enrolling in my final semester. Lotta hoops to jump through, but I jumped. Done. Check that off the list.

Last night I began the process of applying to OU. I have a meeting with the Graduate Department on Tuesday to discuss the ph.d program, and what needs to begin happening in terms of applying for that. Their date is Jan 15. I’ve printed off letters of recommendation forms, assistantship forms, all kinds of forms. The rabbit hole that was the website made me a little nuts last night. It’s maybe one of the worst websites I’ve ever tried to navigate. So thankful to Kizz for doing some prelim scouting for me on that! With the meeting set, and the safety net that is my personal guide to the campus (Mark works there) I feel on track. I’m working on my statement of purpose, as well as my writing sample. Trying to figure out who should submit my letters of rec is the thing most pressing on my list right now. Have you done this? Any of you? What was your process?

Speaking of Kizz…she’s got a cabaret show in her imminent future. I’m so proud. I wish like anything I could be in the audience. In place of me, if you’re in the vicinity please make plans to go and support! What’s not to love about an evening with amazing talent, great music, and witty banter? Nothing. Nothing at all. So. GO. GO. GO. please.

Back into the salon today, and I’m eternally grateful. November ate me whole financially. WHOLE. Three out of the four Saturdays were not at work. Holidays creeped up on us. I’ve opened my book up to adjust for after finals and before Christmas. Hopefully we can eek this year out with what’s left of student loans and the incoming clients and get through the holiday with some sort of grace and no ramen noodles.

The weather has been brisk and chilly this week, yet this weekend we are back into the 70’s. Windy, but warm. I’ve got plans to decorate for Christmas, possibly outside too. This pleases me. A great deal. I want for nothing more than to have my house decorated, and homey, and watch Christmas Vacation and Love, Actually. Nothing gets me in the holiday spirit more than that.

This time of year is one that, for many, incite struggles and grief and anxiety. I’m not participating in that this year. There are new avenues in my life that must be negotiated, and a few days ago I was caught in the panic of it all, and then…nope. I’m just not going to do it. Everything will work out, without my adding stress and wrinkles to the situation by fretting over situations that should just be easy. So, in that vein, I look forward to it this year.

How about you? Are you gearing up? What do you do to get into the holiday spirit?

Time for more coffee and some hair bangin.

Peaceout, ya’ll.