That whole concept of easing back into reality after a vacation is bunk. It just is. There’s no easing. There’s nothing soft and cuddly and nurturing about it. It’s a big bucket of ice cold water thrown on you while you’re in your snuggly comfy bed.

Anyone else? Anyone? Just me?

Because yesterday was one of those “I will try to eat you” days.

I’m behind in my classes. I’ve got mounds of reading to be finished by tomorrow and by Sunday. There is a paper that is to be written next week. The GRE is looming and I’ve yet to crack a study book. I’ve got to got to got to got to tie up the loose ends on the insurance stuff for the house. I did a bit before I left, but now is the time for the rest of it. Bills are piled, banking is waiting, work starts back today but only with a few clients which is good because my car is on the brink.

I left night class last night to a car that didn’t start. It was the same deal as in July. But my battery was brand new since the July episode so, that made me wary. I had a helpful guy jump it, and it started but then quit once he drove off. The campus police, 30 minutes later, arrived. It was the same guy that helped me this summer. I wasn’t sure, until he opened his mouth to ask if I had a husband/boyfriend/brother to help me with this. I’m not sure how it is a valid question since if my answer would have been ‘yes’ clearly that asshole can’t manage a car either so JUST JUMP THE CAR. Ugh.

The stereo and all the dashboard lights went wonky. The consensus seems to be alternator issues. Perhaps spark plugs? Do cars even have spark plugs anymore? It makes sense. I’ve had this car, brand new since 2007, and have never had to have any work done. I should have taken it in for tune ups, but who has that kind of money? If it’s working, it’s working! *maybe this is where the husband/boyfriend/brother would have come in handy, but I doubt it unless they were paying for it.* So I’ve got the name of a few  mechanics. I just attempted to start it and it did, so I think I can make it to the salon. I do have emergency roadside service on my insurance, so whatever happens it’ll work out.

BUT WHO HAS TIME TO DEAL WITH THIS?!?!?!

sigh.

I had such an amazing time this past week. San Diego was beautiful, even if we were in the throes of a record-breaking heat wave. The poor kids’ had planned this wedding for a year and a half, outdoors at a beautiful venue and damn if it wasn’t 104 degrees. The weather calmed down, the marriage took place, we were all still together and laughing at life. That’s the best thing about this family. My cousins and I, the thing we do best? Is laugh.

This trip was a good one on several aspects. My dad and his wife were there. She had never met any of the family and that seemed to go well. MeMe was there, and everyone seemed to get along and act like grownups. I held my breath on more than one occasion, just waiting for the shoe to drop and everything to just go to hell. It did not. Even the goodbyes were beautiful. Hugs and I love you’s abound. I myself held it together on the goodbyes…until I got on the plane and then I just hid my face and let the tears flow.

I cried not only because I was sad to leave, and just on principal hate goodbyes, but for all of the good that took place. Personally, I got to go to the San Diego Zoo. For years I’ve wanted to go. To see the koalas. To just be at that zoo. The animals were amazing.

 

https://www.facebook.com/v/4457172668865

that’s a video I tried to embed. Click on the middle of the panda to watch him go to town with that bamboo.

I wanted to see the ocean and have fish tacos and see Miramar and sing the Top Gun theme song in my head. All of these things I did. I got to soak up puppy Buster loving–grrrrr grrrrrrrr–it was awesome.

The temps did calm down and I just enjoyed the perfect weather and the palm trees. They really are quite spectacular when you look at them, really look at them.

It was perfectly perfect.

But now, now it’s time to just hunker down and get back into this fiercely paced life that I live.  There are wonderful things on the calendar coming up, wedding showers, a wedding that I’m in (note to self, make alteration appointment, find shoes) and so much stuff going on with school. Harvest Fest is looming on the horizon, and that is the thing that I’m living for. Those days in between now and then, those days will be filled of fun laughing memories of this trip and dreams of more to come.

Happy Day.

*Hunker Down is a favorite phrase of this part of my family. It’s how my dad taught all of us to water ski, or wakeboard and in turn how my cousin taught all of his friends to wakeboard. You just have to hunker down, push through the gallons of water coming at you, and eventually you will be up and on top of it all. Hunker down, yo.

It’s my last morning to wake up in San Diego. The marine layer is still covering the mountains, the coffee is nice and strong, and Steph and I are doing our morning computer time at the table while MeMe prattles on in the living room.

It’s been a wonderful, wonderful trip. We are planning Cousinpalooza for maybe next year. Giving all 7 of us time to plan, to sock back some money, and get back in the habit of gathering on a yearly basis. I’m all in for that. All. In.

Today is just kind of a laid back day, we’re going to get ready and go to Old Town, putz around do a little shopping, go put my feet into the water and walk around on the beach. I don’t have to be at the airport until 3pm, so we’ve got a little bit of time. We’re eating sushi today for lunch. This makes me ril ril happy. I’ve pretty much checked off all of my list of things to see, do and taste.

I’m beginning to transition into reality mode. I’ve downloaded my next book for class, to read on the plane. I’ve begun to mentally prepare for class tomorrow, for the things that need to be finished in regards to bill paying, insurance stuff, bla bla bla. Reality Bites.

This break, however, has been bliss. I love hanging out with my family. We laugh. So much laughing.

Not a bad way to live.

I’m getting my post up for class last week, a few days late. I talked to my prof, though and he said it’s ok. Last week was A Passage To India. Have you read this?

It’s one that I am most def going to put on my shelf, and grab when I’m not under such crazyass time restrictions. I’ve always been interested in India, in the culture and in the people.

This is the story of two friends, and Englishman and an Indian man, and we take a look at the question that begins the book which is, “can these two people be friends, considering the culture differences, the political clashes, the caste system, considering all of that, can they be friends?”

I’m going to leave it to you to answer that question.

In a sidenote, my H.S. English teacher, who was an amazing tour guide this weekend, highly recommends the movie that was made based on the book. Put it in your Netflix queue.

Next up for class?

Lady Chatterly’s Lover.

I will fit in a little more with the 50 Shades of Grey plane readers on this flight. The last time, I was reading an overview of Literary Criticism while the lady next to me was getting into the first in the series.

The wedding is a memory, a really hot memory, but a memory nonetheless. The kids are married. All growns up and married. Sigh. look how gorgeous…

 

Yesterday Bill and Rita toured me all over this fine city, I will post some pics of that later tonight. We are getting ready to head to the San Diego Zoo and people, I couldn’t be more excited.

I love the koalas. I have for as long as I can remember. I collected them/still have many and used to watch the zoo folk on the Johnny Carson show when I was little and just dreamed dreamed dreamed of someday coming to see them.

That day is here.

Yeah, I’m 41 and giddy about the zoo.

KOALAS!!!!!

Taking a cue from Cindy, I’m doing a Thankful Friday post today.

I made it to San Diego yesterday with zero problems. Not even any motion-sickness which is just a joy when it comes to me and any kind of movement. I was met at the airport by Stephie and my new cousin to be, Toni.

We headed straight to the salon to get our nails done. *Shellac is cool ya’ll! This grey/blue color is also cool.* The nail tech asked how long we’d known each other and we laughed and said, “Oh about twenty minutes, in real life” and she was very confused.

Bless her heart.

It’s another relationship cultivated over the interwebs.

You guys, she’s so stinkin cute. And to see her with my cousin Patrick…oh lord. I could cry. I’ve held it together like a trooper in the emotion category, but let’s be realistic. I’ve not even been here a full day. It’ll happen.

Rehearsal dinner was so good last night, about 30 people, all gathered with the same intention in their heart, to celebrate Patrick and Toni, combined with laughter, wine, delicious food, some manic photo op’s and OH MAN, my heart was full.

Steph, Jerome and I posted up at the end of a table and we talked and talked. Missing my sister, and our Texas cousins in a real, real way, we talked of “Cousin Trips” and how it’s just so fun when we’re together. I said, “I love being grownup together! I had no idea it would be this fun!”

How great is it to be with family, and love them with your whole heart?

When you add in the bonus of actually really really liking them and having them as a real friend in your life…

Listening to my dad and aunt talk about their cousins, the ones we all used to reunion with every summer when they were probably the age us “kids” are today, I saw how easy it is to get fractured, to let a connection like that dissolve. Life moves fast, change comes in the form of different jobs, living locations, children and grandchildren. It’s easy to take for granted that it will always be the way it was.

It takes work.

This morning, as we are all getting around, and having our coffee, and adjusting to the time zones, (I from the Central, Jerome from the Brooklyn)  I am thankful for this gorgeous beautiful place that I’m in. I am thankful. I am thankful for family. I am thankful for friends. I am thankful that for me, right now, those are one in the same.

I leave you with a recipe for MeMe’s Grape Salad.

This. This is how we roll upinhere, yo.

Grape Salad.

green grapes -2lb-cut up or small

purple grapes-2lb-cut up or small

8oz  creme cheese

8oz sour creme

healthy half a cup of good brown sugar.

Slurry all together and be thankful for your tastebuds.

Happy Thankful Friday!

 

it’s 11:30.

I’m I think packed. i think.

I think I packed too much. because there is very little room to bring anything back.

I’m taking my homework with me.

I made great progress writing my abstract for the literary conference.

I had a great meeting with my lit crit professor and he helped me to narrow down the topics for my paper that is rapidly coming due.

I got to spend some time watching awesome tv with my awesome friend. It did my heart good.

My house is not going to be the cleanest when I leave, that sucks for my housesitter and for my brain. . . but there’s still time. it may get done.

also, at some point in the packing process I began to just start wearing all of the things. I sat down to watch some Friends and go over my list and noticed that I’m wearing a goodly amount of jewelry and my sunglasses.

inside my house.

at 11:30 pm.

 

thank God I’m going on vacation tomorrow.

 

Last night, I got home and I was wound tighter than an eight-day-clock.

Lists. Lists. Lists. To Do Lists.

Lists for school.

Lists for the house to prepare for leaving in 48 hours.

Lists for packing.

Lists for things that need to be done for Delbert’s impending wedding.

Appointments for hair and feet and nails and spraytan.

I packed a bit, tried on hateful clothing and made more lists about what I needed to replace it. Sent frantic texts to Stephanie who calmed my ruffled fluffy…oh so fluffy…feathers. Made another list.

Wrote out a list of all the things–A LIST OF ALL THE THINGS!– that I needed to do today, along with times to schedule it so that I can get it all done. ALL DONE!

I’ve got today, in the morning, and a brief moment between classes tomorrow that aren’t booked with things to do or with appointments with professors, or with library time. So…yeah. Once again, look how well I’m managing my time, ya’ll! Wheeeee!!! No hands!~ No hands!

Speaking of hands, let’s see a show of them. How many of you think that the minute I crawled into bed sometime after 11pm that the lists and the voices and the things to do just STOPPED?

Mom-put down your hand. I didn’t take a pill.

I was up until almost 4am. Two bowls of cheerios and an ambien later…I’m awake.

But it’s after 9am and I’m piled with kitties who want to snuggle and I feel a moment of panic and then I feel the breeze and just take a moment. I pad into the kitchen to start the coffee and feed the livestock. I actually turned on the tv and realized what the date was.

And I stopped.

And I took a moment.

And I reflected, as so many of us will do today, on the 11 years passed, and on that day.

I am profoundly changed. We all are, I believe.

I am profoundly grateful for the chance to change, to have experienced everything I’ve experienced in these 11 years. . . including all of the ugly, including the ugly place I was in when it happened. . . because I’m no longer there.

None of us are.

For me, personally, today is going to be about living each moment in awareness. I’m going to take my list, but whatever doesn’t get finished, just doesn’t get finished. I’m going to pay attention and be hyper-aware of this life that I am living, and the people in it that I love so much.

And if that’s not a reason to slow my roll a bit today, then I don’t know what is.

Last week was a testament to the phrase “I’m chasing my tail.” I was forever just ten steps behind my shadow and could NOT get caught up. All direct results of the choices I made with my time, so let me get that out here from the beginning. I take full responsibility and am not blaming anything other than the fact that I am not independently wealthy, so as could have a house of employees to cook, clean, do laundry, pay bills, pack for trips, shop for things to take on trips, while I do homework, become brilliant at time management and live happily ever after in Lake Como.

Yeah, it’s all on me.

This week I was desperate in my online class. It’s one that can get away in the blink of an eye. I knew the weekend was coming up, and I had tentative plans to go to Arkansas with Lynn, and see my family. That did not happen. By the time Thursday night got here, it was perfectly clear that once I got off work on Saturday I wouldn’t be leaving the house again until today. Which sucks because I am really really missing my family. I was talking to a brand new client on Saturday, and we “know” each other because of our hometown and of FB but we really don’t KNOW each other and I started talking about my sister and just started crying.

great first impression.

*my stylist needs a mood stabilizer.

But I did everything. did you hear me?

I DID ALL OF THE THINGS!

book finished, homework posted=check

short essay written, uploaded=check

group project managed, edits made, revisions polished=check

biography written=check

group project uploaded=check

short essay written and uploaded=check

registered and paid for the GRE test=check. I’ll be testing out on October 9th. It’s a Tuesday. The Tuesday before we leave for Harvest Fest for Fall Break. Oh the stress relief I will feel THEN.

So, all of that to say this: I’m not getting behind this week. I’m staying ON TRACK and focused. I’m researching ideas, going to begin pre-writing papers, I’ve got some notes to discuss with another professor today about submitting a paper into our literary conference and presenting.

Oh yeah, I’m flying to San Diego on Thursday morning.

So I’ve also got to gather some essentials for that, get the house spiffed up and stocked up for Laura to live here. (*my remote control to the tv that controls power and volume is brokedown. I need that to be fixed in an easy manner and really just want someone to tell me what to do. any thoughts?) I’ve got to get laundry clean. I have a fear of showing up and looking like the fat ole hillbilly cousin. Hair done tomorrow so that will help with the body spiffing.

It’s kind of amazing isn’t it?

If anyone needs me, I’ll be over here.

Chasing my tail.

Mrs. Dalloway was our assignment for this week. Read the book, post eight times, write a paper over one of the three texts we’ve covered and support your argument. It’s a short one, no outside sources needed. It’s due tonight. That’s next on my list of assignments today.

I’m having frustration with this class because it is doing exactly what it’s supposed to do. Cram 16 weeks of work into 8. However it’s too much. I’m not getting much more out of it other than crossing a title off of my To Read list. And that sucks on several levels. For one, that’s not going to help me one bit when I need to access the knowledge in the future. Two, these online classes are more expensive, so here…TAKE more of my money! Whatever! And three…I am having such a brain expanding time in my other two classes because we’re taking time. Only five novels in one class. Spending more time looking at the elements and genres and the lens by which critics use to expand it. I’m jealous that the texts we are reading in this class don’t get that same kind of attention.

Having said that, I highly recommend that if you DO decide to read Mrs. Dalloway, watch The Hours afterwards. It’s really a lovely, interconnected piece that layers the impact of the book onto the lives of fully realized and interesting characters. I’m not a fan of Nicole Kidman because her face doesn’t move, but in this, behind that prosthetic nose? She was really lovely. I like Virginia Woolf. I like her words. I like the way she strings them together and takes us someplace or makes us think differently. This text has the stream of consciousness rambly bambly element to it and much of the class really came out NOT in favor of it because of that. THAT’s where I wish we could stop and say, Woah. Everyone is hating on this. Let’s look at why and try to being to understand the element and why it’s being used by the author.

Maybe we’re supposed to do that on our own.

Maybe.

Maybe I like being spoon fed a bit longer than some students.

I’m a grown up. . . so that’s my prerogative.

Nanny nanny boo boo.

 

I’m behind this week, on reading my Virginal Woolf book and posting, on writing, on two group projects…I’m not leaving my house after work tomorrow and I’ll get caught up but man oh man I hate this feeling.

It’s the feeling I always had about two or three weeks into Algebra, or any other math class, and I’d get behind and then I’d just say fuckit, and set my goals on fire and walk away. Then stress at the end of the semester.

I don’t want to do that. If I set anything on fire it’ll be the two bags of trash/bills/papers that are waiting in the office for the burn ban to be overturned.

It’ll happen. I’m READY to read and write. I just have to do some hair first.

 

Yesterday, a long awaited thing happened. The Listen To Your Mother Videos went live. All 10 cities that participated in the 2012 show, individual stories by men and women across the country, talking about motherhood in some vein are showcased. It’s a beautiful thing. I cannot wait to watch them all. 

I remember when Elizabeth told me about it. I had a piece that I thought would work, but it was wordy and clunky. I IMMEDIATLY emailed Bill Guy, (my HS English teacher, friend, spirit guide) and said HELP ME EDIT THISwehavetwodaysbeforeit’sdue. And he did. Kindly and gently he took things out, made suggestions for rewrites. We carved and carved and out came the piece that I sent in to be considered for auditons.

I got a call back, moved appointments and drove to Northwest Arkansas to read for two ladies who had great welcoming smiles. One of them was wearing the same Toms wedges that I was so…you know…shoe karma! Woot!

I was accepted into the show. It became profound experience in my life.

I am even more convinced than EVER that Oklahoma City should be included in the cities participating next Spring. I want this for my state. It’s a beautiful experience that is also a fundraiser for local charities. Good things come from this. Good things for everybody.

I leave you with the video of my reading. There is something very revealing about actually being on youtube, reading about your failed relationships and unused uterus. This place is a safe place. It was really…well just scary, doing it live. Totally worth it. It’s not just my story. There are many others like me, living a life in this way. Validation. That feels good, always.

I send out a special thanks to Bill, and to Elizabeth. For without them, this wouldn’t have happened.

I send out much love and thanks to those women listed…profound love.

With each child’s name, I thought Ohhh I haven’t seen him/her in way too long. I miss them! I also have new names to add to that, new faces that I love. But this list, it stands.

Have a great weekend! If you can…call your mother. Tell her that you love her. And thank her for not wringing your neck when you were growing up.