It was a fast and furious trip to KCMO, but well worth it. Being in the same space as Chris and Cindy, getting to lay on the bed and talk, feast my eyes on their selves, their perfect house, their new neighborhood and favorite places…it’s was healing.

I’ve more to write, but am pressed for time. I’ve got to get some reading done before class today and found out this morning that I’ll also get to feast my eyes on my cousins and perhaps some family at the end of this week. It’s under sad circumstances that they are all merging from California, Austin, Brooklyn…2012 is a bitch. Maybe the Mayans knew something afterall…

So today on the list is clean the house, return some calls about the stupid insurance, pay some bills, (good Lord, it’s mortgage time already) make deposits in the bank, get some groceries. I was so excited for a poached egg this morning. . . flop. nada. Tonight I get a meal with Audra and Joe. Thankful for that. I can’t wait to get all the details of being a restaurant owner and just to see them. SEE them.

I’m getting a treadmill this Friday! A friend of Trisha’s is giving me the one he’s had and replaced with an elipitical. I’m so excited. I’m down 2.6 for the week, and as amazed as I am by that, I know I could do better if I was moving my body. Health. I will never take it for granted again.

I am thankful. Thankful for one more day to have a list of things to do.

I’m thankful for each one of you that send me an email or a text this weekend, I was afraid I was going to be a slobbering hot mess, but Cindy and Chris can attest, we had none of that. We laughed. We talked. We learned some things, and mostly we just coveted each other. I told them about each one of you, sending your love, sending your strength. Some of you they knew…some they knew in name only through me. But each one…we felt the love. We felt the strength.

It was an amazing grace.

I made it to KCMO. Safe trip. Long drive. Desolate. Lord but it’s some desolate land in the state of Kansas.

I’m here. With Chris and Cindy.

And there is much ado, and much to tell at some point.

There has been laughter.

There have been hugs.

There’s been food and drink and the softest pretzel you’ve ever tasted.

There’s been draining of bags and venting of hearts.

There’s been strategery.

There’s been youtube videos and more laughter.

but there have been no tears.

So all of you, who have text or emailed or silently sent up a prayer of strength?

It’s working.

We’re still here.

Heading up to KCMO to see Chris and Cindy this weekend. I’m so ready to breathe the same air as those two, and scratch Hooper and just soak up their presence.

I have to throw some clothes and whatnot in a bag and be ready to leave after my appointment tomorrow, and right now, I just want to sleep.

See previous post.

It’ll get done. I’ll get up right now and do it. Because I’ve got to be at work at 830 tomorrow to squeeze another client in…no leeway in the schedule.

but then, I’m probably just going to sleep.

yawn.

I’ve been sleeping. A lot. And when I’m awake, I’m either in class or watching Sons of Anarchy. Thanks to my sweet cousin Stephie, I’ve finished the series, am caught up until it comes back on this year.

And now…well. I guess my dealing mechanisms…I know the sleeping is a thing. Go to sleep. Dream. The world is better when you’re sleeping. It’s not healthy, really, but it’s better than overeating and binge drinking. So there’s that.

I’ve got a metric shit ton of reading to do for classes, looking at applying for scholarships and that’s an application process in itself. I’m going to try to get all my readings finished before heading to KCMO on Saturday, but I may have to bring some with me.

I’ve been craving sweet…which is strange because usually I crave chips. or cheese. or potatoes. But I’m still cleansing all the sugar out of my system I think and it’s bound to rear up. Gonna make myself a smoothie, low calorie, and have some chia seeds in it. Have you done the chia seed thing? they’re interesting little creatures. Very filling. Very pro-cleansing. I like all of it.

I’m watching last weeks Glee. One of my friends said this episode caused him to promise more public declarations of love to his husband…I get it. But I think my heart is on such severe lockdown that nothing is getting in.

So, I’m going to watch a little tv and I’m going to jump back into some Fitzgerald tonight. I took a two hour nap this afternoon, so my sleep schedule is wonky, but I feel like I could crawl into bed right now and be fine.

It’s so boring over here. Sorry for that. When I figure out how to get some energy, some happy, some spark…I promise I’ll write it all out with joy abundant. Till then…naps are good.

The car is in the shop getting my Christmas present installed today. Remote Starter, yo!!! I’m excited for that.

I made an amazing quinoa tuna salad for lunch ate it on a plate of spinach. I’ve been unsatisfied with my food choices lately. Bored. And it’s not even that I want some cheesy pizza, because that sounds like crap, too. I dunno.

I finished my tonight’s homework, and am working on readings for Monday. I’ll be coming right to class from the trip to KC, MO, so I have to get it all done.

It’s rainy here. Rainy and sleepy. Stormy is on the couch with me and we’re snuggling and reading while Parenthood plays on the tv.

I need to work on my dishwasher. It’s not washing dishes. Nothing is clean. So. I’ve done a titch of research, and I think if I just clean the filter…maybe…we’ll see. Right now dishes are just in the damned sink. Which I hate. Years of living with Dion has me trained that the dishes in the sink are gross. So…that’s in my future.

Ok. I’m back to the working and reading. That’s all from Brokedown Palace, ya’ll.

Ok. So. I start fresh TODAY. Because I sucked it up last night.

I went out and met some friends last night. I got to see Hope…sweet sweet Hope who buried her Rudy last week. She’s so stoic. She wants no fuss. No extra attention. I get that. We talked. We laughed. She showed me her new truck. . . or pickup, I’m not sure what it’s called really. She’s such a country gal, with her big rides and shiny things she attaches to them. It was good to hug her.

But then my club soda turned to Miller Lite…and clearly that’s just not something I can let myself do right now. No control. Not really. Not enough for me.

Hitting the drive thru for more therapy in the form of fake cheese in a styrofoam container happened next.

I know my mechanisms for dealing. And I’ve got to find a way, figure out how to get new ones.

Trish has said time and time again, Long John Silvers and Taco Mayo ARE therapists…just the really really bad ones that molest you on their couch while wearing a mask of your dad.

right?

bad. bad. therapy.

I’ma figure out some good therapy.

There were good parts, I got to have some time with PseudoSisters #1 and #2, with MGirl who I just miss with my whole heart. We talked about Rudy and life, current shitty situations, boys, school. It was good to laugh and cry with her, too.

The Good of 2012….Audra’s restaurant, upcoming weddings of people that I love, new relationships and happiness for other people that I love…I’m focusing on that. It’s not been all bad. The great things have been really dang great.

And now I’m going to go make some coffee and a 200 calorie breakfast and read some Aphra Behn.

I’m not here. Not really. There’s a lot going on, and none of it is for this space, for public consumption yet.

Couple of things though:

I went completely off the rails with my clean eating/no alcohol this weekend. Consider this my confession.

Forgive me.

The way that I deal with crisis always involves food and alcohol.

Here’s what I’ve learned.

After 20 days of sobriety and clean living, I have absolutely no control over anything remotely resembling moderation.

Tamales made and sold by tiny Mexican women who come to your salon will maybe save your life.

When your soul sister brings an Igloo of Mexican coke, ice cold, and a sonic cup of ice, it also saves your life.

Pizzahut boneless wings are pretty damned good. Eat them as soon as you get them. The pizza is good cold.

When you’ve cried so much you can’t quit, take a xanax.

When you wake up and think you’re back to eating clean, don’t eat two more pieces of pizza. Just throw it all in the trash immediately.

I’m actually relieved that I’m back on the wagon and back watching my calories.

I’m watching Sons of Anarchy. I’m on the final ep of the last bit that’s streaming. My cousin Steph is saving my life by getting Season 4 into my viewing soon.

I have reading to do. Finishing up some Fitzgerals and starting some Aphra Ben.

Going to go to the grocery store, stock up on clean things, and get a little facetime with the PseudoSisters tonight.

These cards that have been dealt…well. I guess we’re going to play them.

Dealing.

Haven’t laughed much this last week.

I did tonight when my friend Michael posted these vids.

I share them with you. In order.

Also, PseudoSis 3 had a birthday this weekend. All hell was raining down on my so I missed out on celebrating, but I think she’d laugh at these as well. Love you SISTER!!!

Enjoy.

 

Yesterday was a long, exhausting day. It was about a 6 hour round trip excursion to say goodbye to our friend Rudy. As far as funerals go, it was nice. My heart breaks for Hope, being practically carried into the auditorium…

I got home last night and ate leftovers made by Kathy for our Golden Globes viewing party. I was so thankful that I didn’t have to cook. I scarfed it down, and vegged on my couch the entire evening, finally going to bed at 9:30. Wiped out. No homework finished, no papers written, no readings done…I just didn’t care too much.

I’m caught up this morning, and other than going from a day in the 70s yesterday to a day in the 20s today…I’m ready for it.

I’ve got class this afternoon, some bank deposits to make, bills to pay, then phone calls to make regarding insurance, and doctor bills. More reading for tomorrow’s class.

This couch and blankie and cat are looking awfully tempting. But I’m getting up. I am.

Seriously.

 

I got a phone call today, from one of my oldest friends. I’ve known and loved her since the 3rd grade, was a member of her first bridal party, styled her hair for her final walk down the aisle, was there the night her son was born. We saw each other through the loss of both of her parents, and the loss of my grandparents. She is family to me.

Her niece was in a horrible car wreck and is on life support with little hope of recovery.

I ask that what good thoughts and prayers you have, please send to them today.

And consider this a big fat hug from me.

because I need it.