and finally, I leave you with Eve’s words. I have done this show twice. Once as an actor, the other as a director. It was profound, both experiences. This isn’t the monologue I did, but the one I’m waiting for…along with my wagon wheel coffee table!Looking for Bob.
Happy Valentine’s Day to you all. Love Love Love.
THIS IS HOW I CAME TO LOVE MY VAGINA.
IT’S EMBARRASSING
BECAUSE IT’S NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT.
I MEAN, I KNOW HOW IT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED.
IN A BATH, WITH SALT GRAINS FROM THE DEAD SEA,
ENYA PLAYING…
ME LOVING MY WOMAN-SELF.
I KNOW THE STORY.
VAGINAS ARE BEAUTIFUL.
OUR SELF-HATRED IS ONLY THE INTERNALIZED REPRESSION
AND HATRED OF THE PATRIARCHAL CULTURE.
IT ISN’T REAL.
PUSSIES UNITE.
I KNOW ALL OF IT.
LIKE IF WE’D GROWN UP IN A CULTURE
WHERE WE WERE TAUGHT FAT THIGHS WERE BEAUTIFUL,
WE’D ALL BE POUNDING DOWN MILK SHAKES AND DOUGHNUTS,
, SPENDING OUR DAYS LYING ON OUR BACKS
THIGH-EXPANDING.
BUT WE DIDN’T GROW UP IN THAT CULTURE, DID WE ?
NO.
I HATED MY THIGHS,
AND I HATED MY VAGINA EVEN MORE.
I THOUGHT IT WAS INCREDIBLY UGLY.
I WAS ONE OF THOSE WOMEN WHO HAD LOOKED AT IT,
AND FROM THAT MOMENT ON I WISHED I HADN’T.
IT MADE ME SICK.
I PITIED ANYONE WHO HAD TO GO DOWN THERE.
IN ORDER TO SURVIVE,
I BEGAN TO PRETEND
THERE WAS SOMETHIN G ELSE BETWEEN MY LEGS.
I IMAGINED FURNITURE.
COZY FUTONS WITH LIGHT COTTON COMFORTERS,
LITTLE VELVET SETTEES, OR PRETTY THINGS.
SILK HANDKERCHIEFS,
QUILTED POT HOLDERS.
I GOT SO ACCUSTOMED TO THIS,
I LOST ALL MEMORY OF HAVING A VAGINA.
WHENEVER A MAN WAS INSIDE ME,
I PICTURED HIM INSIDE A MINK-LINED MUFFLER
OR A CHINESE BOWL.
THEN I MET BOB…
BOB WAS THE MOST ORDINARY MAN
I EVER MET.
THIN, TALL, NONDESCRIPT,
HE WORE KHAKI TAN CLOTHES.
( audience laughing )
BOB DID NOT LIKE SPICY FOODS OR LISTEN TO PRODIGY.
HE HAD NO INTEREST IN SEXY LINGERIE.
IN THE SUMMER,
HE SPENT TIME IN THE SHADE.
. HE DID NOT SHARE HIS INNER FEELINGS
, HE DIDN’T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS OR ISSUES
HE WASN’T EVEN AN ALCOHOLIC.
HE WASN’T VERY FUNNY O R ARTICULATE OR MYSTERIOUS.
. HE WASN’T MEAN OR UNAVAILABLE
HE WASN’T SELF-INVOLVED OR CHARISMATIC.
HE DIDN’T DRIVE FAST.
I DIDN’T PARTICULARLY LIKE BOB.
I WOULD HAVE MISSED HIM ALTOGETHER
E IF HE HADN’T PICKED UP MY CHANG
THAT I DROPPED ON THE DELI FLOOR.
WHEN HE HANDED ME BACK MY PENNIES AND QUARTERS,
AND HIS HAND
ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED MINE,
. SOMETHING HAPPENED
. I WENT TO BED WITH HIM
THAT’S WHEN TH E MIRACLE OCCURRED.
IT TURNED OUT THAT BOB LOVED VAGINAS.
HE WAS A CONNOISSEUR.
HE LOVED THE WAY THEY TASTED, THE WAY THEY SMELLED,
THE WAY THEY FELT, BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY,
BOB LOVED THE WAY THEY LOOKED.
. HE HAD TO LOOK AT THEM
FIRST TIME WE HAD SEX, HE TOLD ME HE HAD TO SEE ME.
“I’M RIGHT HERE, BOB.”
“NO,” HE SAID. “YOU, I NEED TO SEE YOU.”
“TURN ON THE LIGHT,” I SAID,
THINKING HE WAS A WEIRDO AND FREAKING OUT IN THE DARK.
HE TURNED ON THE LIGHT.
“OKAY,” HE SAID, “I’M READY, I’M READY TO SEE YOU.”
“I’M RIGHT HERE, BOB, RIGHT HERE.”
HE BEGAN TO UNDRESS ME.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BOB ?”
“I NEED TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.”
“BUT YOU’VE SEEN A RED LEATHER COUCH BEFORE, BOB,
I KNOW YOU’VE SEEN THAT.”
BOB CONTINUED, HE WOULD NOT STOP.
I WANTED TO THROW UP AND DIE.
“THIS IS AWFULLY INTIMATE, BOB.
CAN’T YOU JUST DO IT ?”
“NO,” HE SAID.
“IT’S WHO YOU ARE, I NEED TO LOOK.”
I HELD MY BREATH.
HE LOOKED,
AND LOOKED.
HE GASPED,
AND SMILED,
AND STARED,
AND GROANED.
HE GOT BREATHY,
AND HIS FACE CHANGED.
HE DIDN’T LOOK ORDINARY ANYMORE.
HE LOOKED LIKE A HUNGRY BEAST.
“YOU’RE SO BEAUTIFUL,” HE SAID.
“YOU’RE ELEGANT AND DEEP
” AND INNOCENT AND WILD.
“YOU SAW THAT THERE ?”, I SAID.
IT WAS LIKE HE READ MY PALM.
“I SAW THAT,”
HE SAID, “AND MUCH, MUCH MORE.”
BOB STAYED LOOKING
. FOR ALMOST AN HOUR
, AS IF HE WERE STUDYING A MAP
, OBSERVING THE MOON
STARING INTO MY EYES.
BUT IT WAS MY VAGINA !
IN THE LIGHT,
I WATCHED HIM LOOKING AT ME.
HE WAS SO EXCITED.
SO PEACEFUL AND EUPHORIC.
I BEGAN TO GET WET AND TURNED ON.
I BEGAN TO SEE MYSELF THE WAY HE SAW ME.
I BEGAN TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL AND DELICIOUS,
LIKE A GREAT PAINTING OR A WATERFALL.
BOB WASN’T AFRAID, NO, HE WASN’T GROSSED OUT.
I BEGAN TO SWELL.
I BEGAN TO FEEL PROUD.
I BEGAN TO LOVE MY VAGINA.
. AND BOB LOST HIMSELF THERE
AND I WAS THERE WITH HIM,
IN MY VAGINA.
AND WE…
WERE…
GONE !
Misti Ridiculous 