For the first day in I don’t know how many I had nothing to do. No one to help. No obligations, or places I had to be. Nothing absolutely imminent that had to be finished today.

It’s been bliss.

I bartended last night, got home late, slept in with the cool breeze and the kitties. Glorious. Met friends for brunch and sipped poinsettias and had delicious crab cake and asparagus and eggs and saucy sauce.

Home was a nap that lasted several hours with above mentioned kitties and cool breeze.

It’s a rare moment that I can enjoy, without guilt, some free time.

a rare moment indeed.

How’s your Sunday?

After a lengthy meeting with my advisor, who told me, “I knew we’d talk so I scheduled extra time for us!”–after plugging in classes, marking off checklists…rearranging some things, talking some of the more disappointing things from this semester off of my chest…

Ya’ll…I have two classes this summer. A full Fall semester. And ONE CLASS plus my thesis and I GRADUATE IN MAY OF 2013.

SHIT THE BED.

I’m not going to worry about paying for it. And staying afloat.

I’m not going to worry about what next.

I’m not going to worry about what if’s and things that are out of my control.

Seriously.

Tonight, I’m not going to worry about it.

Could be because I’m exhausted from last night’s bout with insomnia.

Or…it could be because in as many days, the Universe has presented me with two brilliant, generous, connected, smart, amazing women who have both said, “I want to help you with your future.”

I lost two financial bounties, but I do believe that what I’ve gained in these two people?

Priceless.

Found out about one of the scholarships I applied for. It’s a no-go. Lots of competition with much younger applicants who have a freshy fresh loaded up with community service, awards, group memberships, et.al.

I was really hoping this one would come through and pay for the summer term. Oh well, I’m going to talk to financial aid today after my meeting with my advisor. Maybe something will come through!

Things will work out. I do know that. But the time between now and then….ugh.

I tossed and turned for three hours last night, then eventually just got up and watched an ep of Rescue Me. Went back to the bed about 4:30, tossed and turned and finally fell asleep between 6 and 7am. I am the epitome of a walking zombie this morning. Gulping coffee. Rearranging my brain to function as if it were fully formed and human.

How’s your brain today?

Well, I did NOT get the Teacher Assistantship. Remember when I found out about applying 2 days before the deadline and then I got scared and decided to not do it and then I found some balls and decided to apply and then I had computer issues and then I had to talk to someone the next day that helped me submit all of my information?

So. I didn’t get it.

My friend is really sad about it. I’m merely Meh. That’s not true. I’m disappointed but not surprised. It would have been quite an adventure and I was starting to get excited about it, but ok. Not going to happen this time around.  It’s just another variable that I was looking at. If someone does NOT take the assistantship they were offered, it could be offered to me. Or if there are several graduates in the Fall…more variables. The thing it means, really, is that I won’t be required to take that methods class in the Fall, and my schedule will stay the same. It also means that I won’t get my tuition comped. But, I’ve got applications in for scholarships and tuition-waivers, so I’m still hoping for those to come through. If those fail, more student loans.

I have my appointment with my infamous advisor tomorrow afternoon. We’ll play with my plan of study, juggle some more variables and see if I can’t wrap this thing up in three more semesters. Boom. I’ve got some specific concerns to address, mainly my sweet, really smart professor that I think maybe has the dementia. I don’t trust her. At all. So I don’t want her anywhere NEAR my thesis committee. I know I’ve gone through all of this before here, but it helps me to remain on point. Hopefully after my meeting tomorrow, I will have less juggling and more solid stuff in my game plan.

Today, I juggle errands, must get more ink for the printer. I’ve got three papers to print off and no ink. Flop. Must get groceries. I’ve got jar foods and canned tomatos. That’s it. Need to get another book out of the library for my big fat Brit Lit paper. Going to meet a friend this afternoon for some facetime. That’s my Tuesday.

Juggling time. Juggling variables. Just juggling…

 

Three more weeks. Two more of the semester, then finals week.

Can you guys believe I’m almost finished with my second semester of This Grad School Thing? How did THAT happen???

This weekend has been a series of great things and blessings.

The majority of my state survived all the tornados this weekend. Woodward got hit pretty hard with injury and 5 deaths. My heart goes out to that town. I’ve got clients who live there…

My house, my neighbors, friends, families’ houses didn’t sustain damage from wind or hail or rain so that’s a huge relief.

I spent time with the family, and though it was hectic (my sis and b-i-l are closing on their new home as I type so their everything is packed and their just chomping at the bit to get moving) and full of coughing (mom’s had that upper respiratory gunk we’ve all fought this year) it’s been nice. I wish I could stay here this week and help paint and move.

I did get a paper written while I was here. Everything that is due this week is written and just needs to be printed and stapled. I also got my reading for tonight finished.

It’s time to get up, get showered and get on the road and I just don’t WANNA!!!!! gah.

How was your weekend?

So it’s been a crammed weekend. Like I do it any other way, right?

What with the tornadic activity all across my state and into others, what with the impending deadlines for papers at school and work yet written, what with the first read through of the Listen To Your Mother Show, and meeting the group of mothers involved, what with being the only non-mother (which was succinctly added to my intro by another), what with living outside the radius of all the activity and goings on with the show, what with feeling desperately awkward and soooooo like the outsider in the company of these talented women…

to borrow from my mother and her mother before that…

My nerves are fucking shot.

Even the cocktail of horse tranqs and  night night juice that my mother gave me before bed didn’t help the sleeping. I kept waking up to check the radar and make sure my tribe hadn’t been blown to bits. I couldn’t get comfortable. I worked on papers or sang some lines from Spring Awakening on loop. I kept playing the read through over and over. Was I defensive? I’m usually good at meeting new people and it seemed just so…stilted. Was it just me or was there that imperceptible shift in the room when my womb activity was announced? Why am I even IN this damned thing anyway???

Kizz told me in no uncertain terms:

Whether or not that shift was real or made up in my scaredy-ass-no-one-will-like-me-mind…THAT is exactly why your story is valid. THAT is why it should be heard.

I’m not the only one marching in this army.

Mothering isn’t exclusive to shoving a body out of your whoo-ha.

I am in awe and immensely grateful to the women in my life who have done it, this raising children thing. I see some of them do it well. I see some of them do it not so great. I look for those women who light up when they see their children. I see the one’s who don’t.

The thing is…maybe my heart will never measure up to loving at the capacity as someone who has birthed, or adopted or raised a family. But I dare any one of them to tell me to my face that I don’t love as much or more because of it. Seriously. I dare you. Try me. I’ve been watching Sons of Anarchy. You decide.

Mothers are everywhere. Every shape. Every color. Every size. Every different name. Friend. Aunt. Teacher. Nurse. Step. Ex-Step. Not ever really a step but considered that anyway. We all love on that scale. We all give on that level.

Those stories are all valid. Those hearts are valid. That love counts.

Thick love.

Isn’t that what we all feel?

Fierce, thick love.

because as Sethe* says, “Love is or it ain’t. Thin love ain’t love at all.”

It’s going to be an amazing show, this Listen To Your Mother gig. The stories are funny and irreverent and moving and heart stomping holy shit I can’t listen to one more word it’s so good—good. I am refreshed with the new day, sitting on this deck looking at the trees listening to the rain. I’m excited and just so honored to get to share the stage with these stories. My insecurities are mine, and seriously when your 4 year old nephew doesn’t tell you goodbye, but instead looks up and says in his most heartfelt and sure voice, “may the force be with you…”

do you really need more affirmation that that?

 

*I'm still in my Beloved phase.

So, we’ve got ourself a three day moderate risk model for the weather. The weather guys are all but guaranteeing that we’ll see tornados, and even suckier, that they will rear their ugly heads at night.

I myself, will be in the Arkansas this weekend. I want to return Sunday, but that will just depend on the weather. Lord knows, the last thing I want is to drive into that storm cell. Everyone has had a good two days of warnings, time to make a plan and prepare. It’s springtime in Oklahoma folks. But after last year, with my second family losing their everything…it’s got an added measure of fear to it.

I’m closing in on the papers. I finished another one last night, then dreamed about it, re-writing it in my dreams until I got up and actually implemented the edits. Oy. But I’m finished with all but discussion and a final for the Southern Women Writers class. That’s a good feeling. I’ve got three more papers, one of which is due Wednesday. Just keep swimming just keep swimming just keep swimming…it’s my mantra.

Today I pack the car, bang some hair, then drive to Tulsa tonight. The Avett Brothers are in town and I’ll be singing away. I’m going to drive on into Arkansas after the concert. It’s only about 2 hours. It’ll be a late arrival, but it’s better than forking over money I dont have for a hotel and driving in tomorrow. Rehearsal for the show is from 1-4. I’m excited to meet the other women. I reached out to the woman who started Listen To Your Mother two years ago. There is an official process for new venues that opens up in the fall. I’m really going to try to push OKC onto this map.

Ok, that’s it from Brokedown Palace. If you’re around here, hunker down this weekend. Have a plan. Stay safe. It’s for real ya’ll.

 

 

It’s not that I have nothing to say…but I have very little that is awesome and good and uplifting.

I have lots of grinching and worry and cranky that derives directly from deadlines and stress.

It’s best not to unleash that beast.

I’m getting things checked off. One at a time. I can’t believe I decided to do a major creative thing that would take up two weekends with driving during the last weeks of the semester, but indeed I did that. This weekend is Avett Brothers in Tulsa Friday night, then on to Arkansas after the concert. Rehearsal on Saturday. I’ll probably come home on Sunday because of homework. I’m excited to see the fam, and to meet the rest of the cast of the show. I hope they let me in the club despite my not being a mother. I can offer zero input on conversations relating to lactation or placenta eating. None. I can only offer gagging noises. So, hopefully they’ll like me.

I did get an extension filed on my taxes. But that has GOT to get figured out and turned in soon.

We find out in about two weeks from today who is awarded tuition-waivers. I applied for one. Wouldn’t that be grand. I have no idea when we find out about TA positions.

I’m reading Beloved. Its a story that after I read and saw the movie, said I never needed to read again. But that was 20something me. Its interesting, the view from here. But thats a whole nuther post.

Happy Tuesday, ya’ll.

 

I awoke last night about 4am, and was either cold, having an allergy attack, or a panic attack. I got up and put on some clothes and another blanket on the bed, took a claritin, sneezed a million times, and went back to bed where my mind raced about deadlines. Taxes are next week, 10 days away. I’ve yet to even begin to deal with mine. I will have a tax bill due, payments to make etc. Im calling my lady today to file an extension. Also, we’re in the MONTH OF APRIL. I knew that. I did. But the fact that it’s the FINAL MONTH OF THE SEMESTER shot right through me. So last night I began counting papers that will be due within the next few weeks. I think I’m up to 5 plus a project/report of some kind. Holy hell.

I moved to the couch, and did fall asleep.Woke up with a neck crick and mind racing once more. We’re supposed to find out today or tomorrow about the TA positions. There are only two available. But enrollment begins Monday, so we need to know if we should enroll in the methods of teach for TA’s class…or not.

Money is making me a little nuts. It’s going to be slim, scarily slim until the next round of student loan monies arrive in August. But everything will work out.

I think last night just was the night for everything to manifest in my panic area and throw a parade. Fire batons included.

Here’s a thing…if any of you have any extra thought energy to throw around, send me some. I’m trying to decide on a thesis subject and committee…and pretty much I’m chasing my tail. I’ve got some variables. I’ve got some thoughts. But there are more negatives and buts than yes’s and absolutes. I know it’ll come…but it needs to get here pretty soon.